BLOOPERS

This is what happens when I want a family picture. This is a behind the scene look at what I deal with. Why do I even try?

You may notice that Kaden is CRAZY. He thinks he is funny.





He wants to claw his eyes out.






Yes. . he is screaming.

All of that and much much more to get this. . .


And as a BONUS this makes me laugh hysterically every time I see it. Smile.

Who eats chap stick?

You know, there is just nothing like needing some chap stick and going to grab your favorite one.

You are so innocent and unknowing feeling relieved that your lips are going to be refreshed.

You remove the cap and your eyes are assaulted! You want to swear under your breath because this is not the first time you have fallen victim to this awful crime.

What you see is Hazel's teeth marks scraped across your favorite lip refreshment.
It looks as though it was done carelessly, in a hurry I bet because she heard me coming and she needed time to replace it so I would be unsuspecting.

It takes a couple of deep breaths, but I'm under control. After all it is addicting, the smoothness and just a tint of red and the yummy smell. Dr. Pepper chap stick, can I really blame her?

Later we are playing and she gives a good laugh. . and there it is. . the evidence, red chap stick in her teeth. I can't decide if this will protect against cavities or cause them?

Hypnotized

This morning while the kids were eating their breakfast Kade decided to hypnotize Hazel. He would wave his finger and tell her she was getting sleepy, she would close her eyes and act dizzy. Then he would say when I count to 3 you will open your eyes and start quacking like a duck. 1-2-3! And then Hazel would Quack away and Kade would laugh and laugh saying I really did it! It was so funny. Smile.

November

November was...well...filled.

I got Kade into speech therapy at school. Yay! Once a week for 30 min. Not so cool. I talked to them on the first day of school and he is just now starting. Apparently he has weakness of the mouth and tongue which makes it very difficult for him to articulate. So you can understand about 50% of what he says. Hmmm isn't that what I said? He has increased weakness on the right side and he also has trouble with his right foot. I feel like they are connected somehow, but don't know how.

Kade decided that his bedroom wall needed a little something.


I got a haircut, yes another one, but now I want to grow it out. It will only take me 5 years starting now.





I turned 30. And that is all I will say about that.



Hailey turned 9. She had a Taylor Swift cake. I took her to lunch, ice cream and as you wish where she painted a fairy sitting on a crescent moon. Then party!


Avary was playing monkey jumping on Hailey's bed, knocked the lamp on the floor, then fell on top of it resulting in 6 stitches. I had a huge migraine and spent 3 hours at urgent care. She is one tough little girl, she didn't even flinch when they sewed her up. I told her no more monkeys jumping on the bed and she said, I won't do that again, next time I will jump on my own bed.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I didn't even get a headache thanks to some fancy pills my mom gave me(digestive enzymes). No she's not a dealer. The food was so yummy and the company was the best. Very exciting watching everyone nap around the house. Especially Ranell because she wakes herself up when she snores.Smile. The only bad part was that I was wearing tight pants.

Food for thought

This is something Hailey wrote at school. I love it and think she is so talented and a wonderful writer.

I'm Waiting

I'm waiting for Thanksgiving to come, for the smell of mashed potatoes being made for supper, for the sight of mother saying the dinner prayer so beautifully, for the taste of roast turkey almost burning my tongue, for the feel of love being spread around to make people smile, for the sound of music playing in the family room, and laughing in the kitchen. And then I will know it's Thanksgiving Day!

By Hailey

A little man

I was watching Kade do his homework and he had to draw a picture of a man. Awhile later I was about to take a drink and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a little man. Haha this made me laugh. It still does.

I'm thinking again!

Right now my house is a disaster. Avary is watching ponies and Hazel is taking a nap and I should be cleaning. I am doing laundry, but I should be doing all of the other cleaning kind of things in between. But instead I can't stop thinking about change.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time. No not hours. . it has been years.

I have a testimony of repentance, forgiveness, faith, hard work, patience, all of the things that go along with change. I have used all of these things often.

I'm not talking about weather or not it is possible because I know that it is, we are promised that it is. We are even told what to do and how. The thing I am talking about is, do they?

Have you ever had one of those toxic friends? The kind that when you talk to them they drain you and you feel exhausted after being with them? They seem to make the same mistakes over and over and you know they know better but their life always seems to be falling apart. And every time they make progress and seem like they learned something they go and do the same thing again! It seems like there is no consequence that ever seems to be bad enough for them to change. Eventually you end up having to distance yourself from them because somehow their bad choices end up bringing you down, or stressing you out. Or if you are too close they end up hurting you.

The hard part is making that choice to let them go. I guess it's because who will take care of them when you are gone? And it is so hard to finally come to the conclusion that they are not going to change.

It's not that they don't know how, it's not that they can't, but they choose not to.

I have to say I do not personally know, lets say .. any men..(now don't get all -you are a man hater-on me because I'm not). I just happen to not know any that have actually changed their lifestyle or bad behavior or how they treat their wife or kids or bad temper or emotional or verbal abuse. It can be a long list. I'm sure they are out there, but I don't know any of them that choose to change and at some point don't change back. I know some women like this too, but I just happen to know a few who decided to change and never looked back. At what point do you say, see ya later?

There are always people who are going to say, why did you let them treat you that way for so long? And then the one's who say, you think You are worth something? You should stay forever, what makes you think You deserve better? Well. . that's what they are really saying, right?

Really, I wish there was an answer like, after this long, or at this point, or if this happens, but there's not. It is a HUGE risk to ever try and trust them again or give them another chance. How long should you spend your life in that cycle?

I know the real answer is trust in the Lord, He is the only one that can give you an answer like that.

No one ever wants to talk about these things because there is no easy answer. But I think about it. Think about it, do you know someone personally who has changed their heart and their behavior and never changed back?

Halloween

I just have to say that today I am so sad. It's that heart wrenching sadness and disappointment. You wonder how you will keep going and wonder if your heart will ever stop hurting. It's a familiar feeling for all of the familiar reasons, you would think that when you can see it coming it would get easier. But somehow it never does.

Ok. That is as long as I will bore you with that. Now let's get on with it.


So...for Halloween I had a little party with the family. I talked it up and made plans and then Mr. Incredible didn't show up until the end so I was a little disappointed, but every one had fun. My camera died half way through, that is always irritating. Why didn't I think to charge my camera?

On Thursday we went to grandma and grandpa's trunk or treat party where Mr. Incredible lost a pie eating contest, we ate yummy chilly from the cook off, and they gave all of my kids real fish when they played the fishing game. Sadly they didn't make it and were flushed to sea. Avary and Kade shed many tears for only knowing them for one night.

Friday was our party where we had a doughnut eating contest, candy corn pickup, bean bag toss, monster teeth race, pumpkin painting, mystery feeling gross stuff like eyeballs and dancing.

Saturday we trick or treated for a mile and the kids got waayy too much candy. Mostly candy bars, whole candy bars. Crazy! So, the house and the kids have been cranky and sticky and I think we are all partied out.

Now we just have to get ready for more birthdays and lots of eating.

Avary turned 4

My little Avary. So sweet.

Avary Charity was my easiest pregnancy out of the 4. She came a week early at 7 lbs. 5oz. 19in. We named her after she was born. She was immediately awake and alert but didn't cry she just looked around. She had little elf ears. I remember her ankles were so skinny we couldn't find socks that would stay on, that didn't last long. She chubbed right up. Avary was also my easiest baby. She had rsv when she was 2 months old and that was scary for awhile, and she was stung on the finger by a scorpion and that was scary too. Other than that she was always smiling and rarely ever cried. In the beginning I was worried something was wrong because she was so quiet and happy, I had never had a baby like that. She has always been mellow and quiet and happy.

I always say Heavenly Father sent her to trick me into having more.

She has always been a climber. She didn't need chairs she used her fingers and toes and would climb right up anything. She was able to swim when she was 2, flips and everything. She has had to run with all of her boy cousins so she is tough and can hold her own. But does it in a princess dress.

She was so excited to turn 4 and she was excited to get her ears pierced, she didn't even flinch or make a face. Her ears didn't even swell up.

Avary is so sweet and loving it makes me happy to see her smile. Oh how I love my little babycakes!

Bald spots

My poor little Avary climbed under her bed and this is what happened to her. It took me a minute to realize that her hair was actually ripped out of her head. I wanted to cry (for real I still want to). It had to hurt soo bad. When I unbraided her hair and she saw the huge chunk she started to cry. She has not let me cut her hair for like a year because she just wants long hair. But someone, who we will not name has cut her hair in the front TWICE.

She said she didn't want to go to preschool tomorrow because someone might see it. Isn't that so sad. It makes my heart hurt. My poor Babycakes!

October Break.

We went to the pumpkin patch! The kids had fun picking their pumpkin, playing in the blow up jumper, seeing the animals, going on a hay ride and doing the hay maze.

Although we would have had way more fun if we were not dying of heat stroke. I'm sure you will notice my kids beat red faces. Now if you add everyone sweating and being covered in dirt and hay and my sunburn that blistered that will make the day. It wouldn't be Halloween without it.

We also went to the zoo (got a sunburn there too) but I didn't have my camera.

We went to Tucson to visit D & B and I found a wonderful friend I didn't know I had. I mean why would they care about some half way ex in law cousin? But they let me and my 4 crazy kids come crash their day and eat their food (which was very good by the way)and mess up their house and keep them up late and they never blinked an eye. They smiled and hugged me They are so nice they make me want to cry (don't worry I will do that in private). I love seeing couples who are happy and in love. And now I have experienced the awesomeness of the lovely miss B. Smile.

After a meeting with the sisters it is decided that we have a disorder, in which we do not know what to do when people are nice to us and we feel weird and guilty and you are waiting for the other shoe to drop because it catches you off guard. We have been exposed to way too many mean people.

Then the next day we went to Thatcher to see some long lost friends who we have had a tradition of carving pumpkins with nearly every Halloween for the past 8 years. They also are some of those nice folk who welcome you in and let you sleep and eat and play at their house. Our kids paired up perfectly and ran wild having the best time. Kaden even got his fix shooting potato guns and playing with fire because the Dad's were playing with fire. They never complained about wanting to go home and asked when we could go back before we had even left. I got car sick on the way home, I'm lucky that way. But we had a lot of fun and wish we lived closer because the kids have decided that we love them so much we must be related to them.

Then believe it or not we went to Grandpas 65th birthday party! Oh how we love him! I think it is time to retire and start acting old.

Are you Kidding me!

Hazel definitely knows she is two. She has been a tornado today.

I sat down to make a grocery list, sounds easy right. Wrong. I have to go through all the ads then all the coupons then try and make a menu out of it. For anyone who does this you know it is torture, I hate it, but it saves me so much money.

Well anyway, while I was doing this Hazel very quietly goes into my room and climbed on the dresser?? And throws everything off scriptures church papers and all of the socks needing to be matched(they were up there to be away from her). I heard a little giggle so of course I had to get up and find her wearing way too many socks.
Next she goes and throws all the books off of the book shelf and gets stuck climbing up the shelf and this time I hear her saying help. When I go to help her I find candy corn and cheese its all over the floor (our pantry door is broken and obviously she likes to climb).
Next she dumps all of the blocks out all of the puzzels out and tries to pull out all of the wipes. Gets into my purse looking for my favorite chapstick.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

I've had it, this girl needs to eat lunch so I can put her for a nap. That consisted of her squishing it in her hands and throwing it all over the kitchen. Taking her clothes off 3 times while I was trying to get her out of there.

This all happened in one hour! Needless to say I did not make it to the store with all of the cleaning I need to do now. And Yes taking her to the store with me goes exactly as horribly as you can imagine. So I think I will not put myself through that today.

All about Hazel

My little Hazel is 2 years old! I can't believe it.

My pregnancy with her was anything but fun. I wanted to appreciate every moment of my last one, but from the beginning it wasn't so. I had constant painful contractions the whole time and worried about her coming too early. I would say she was the most active but i think it was the fact that I had a cyst in my ovary that she was smashing every time she moved made me notice her every painful move(gross i know, it's gone now). I had kidney stones and no painkillers! That is love. I was anemic, had a headache every day and was uncomfortable in every way. Everything I tried to do was painful.
I was sure that I was going to be blessed with the best baby that slept all night and never cried because I was having a 4th child. That is a lot nowadays.
She came two weeks early and was my best labor(if there is such a thing) I delivered naturally, which was my goal, but broke my tailbone in the delivery. She was 6 lbs 1 oz 19 in. I brought home a baby that screamed constantly and never slept longer than an hour at a time without waking up screaming for a year! She had rsv, ear infections, acid reflux, and was always in the 7th percentile. She would scream in the car until she passed out and would not let anything be easy. Four kids, no sleep and Ric no where to be found, let me tell you, I was on the brink of insanity. but then she would smile through the tears and it was all worth it.

She is still so little, but full of mischief.

Almost every minute is spent plotting her next scheme. She is a purse snatcher. She likes to eat my favorite chap stick. She is definitely a climber. She likes to play copy cat and can tease her siblings like the best of them.
Yesterday in the car everyone was quiet except for Hazel who was screaming at the top of her lungs "be quiet". She likes to take toys and run. She absolutely will not tolerate being left out.
She loves to pull hair just so she can give you a hug and say sorry. She loves to change her clothes, just tonight Ric wanted to sew her into her jammies.
She screamed for the first year of her life and was never put down. I was the only person she would let hold her for that first year. I was probably the only one who would take her (miss grumpy pants).
Her hair grows like weeds and has had 8, yes 8, haircuts with at least an inch or two cut off every time. She was born with a mullet.
She loves to make funny faces, loves to dance and loves to sing. She has an infectious smile with her little pumpkin teeth.
She has always been very affectionate and her little hugs around my neck cheek to cheek are greatly appreciated. I can't get over her cuteness. I could go on all day as most mothers can about our little loves.
I wouldn't trade her for the world, or sleep or skinniness or quiet or even a tail bone that didn't still hurt. I love my little Hazelnut!

I will post a picture as soon as I can figure out how.

songs of the heart

So, years ago my brother gave me a cd with a bunch of churchy songs that make me cry on it. Music goes straight to my heart. I can tear up on the first note. I heard this song today. This song I have been listening to for years because it is just how I feel so often. I was searching for so long to feel my Father in Heaven's love for me and sometimes it felt so far away and so lonely and other times it is like I can almost hear him. In all my worries and falling short I know He is the only way to ever feel peace. Because He IS always there. I'm lame and don't even know who sings it.

How do I walk through the darkness
Trust that I'll find your hand
Where do I look for the answers
So that somehow I will understand

When my heart aches
When my soul yearns
When the road seems far too long
How will I learn what you teach me
When I don't even know how I'll go on

There are times that I can almost hear you
And it feels like you are right by my side
I need you there
To know you're there

When it feels like I am falling
When I've given the best I have
When the sea of my life is raging
Only you Lord can calm the waves

And help me know
How will I know
I need to know you're there

Pictures made of Gold

Ok...I am going to broach a subject that is very painful for me and the emotions are still raw and raging. Are you scared yet?

I love pictures, especially pictures of my children and our family and our life together. All of the memories and emotions they bring to the surface. They can bring a smile to your face immediately even when you are sad.

It pains me even to think it and I have unsuccessfully been pushing the thoughts out of my mind for months and months. Here we go. . all of my children's digital pictures from their whole life are lost. Sobbing! Stop and feel for a moment how you would feel if this happened to you. Yes, you can go on and I will. But there will always be pain when I think of this.

I'm not going to mention how this happened or why these pictures of gold were not burned to cd's because then I feel angry. But this is why I cannot post any pictures.

Alright..deep breath. That is all I can do. I got it out and now it is going back in and will not be spoken of again. I need some time to recover.

Oh Life. What more can I say? Well, I guess we all know I can say more haha.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster. You hear people say this all of the time, but I can see why. Sometimes I feel so much hope for the future, that maybe someday I will have a happy family and there is so much to live for. And I give too much of my heart away and then there is all of this feeling foolish for ever getting on this ride in the first place. You have to feel that crushing feeling of the reality of the situation knowing that you are about to take that fall going a hundred miles an hour straight down to where you started, but then you get whiplash because life takes an unexpected turn, or expected since we did say we were foolish for getting on in the first place, but somehow it feels surprising anyway. The ride feels way to long and you are about to lose your lunch and the world is spinning and starting to go dark. And then you are jerked to a stop all of a sudden and you aren't quite sure where you are and then you realize you are right back where you started, which isn't always a good thing. Somehow we just keep getting back in line because we did laugh and you momentarily forget about the sick, spinning, dizzy, dark, crushing, plummeting,whiplash,heart attack loosing your lunch stuff. Your subconscious knows, that's why your heart is racing and you are sweating, it's trying to scream at you to get out of line. But somehow we think this time is going to be better, it's going to be different. Every time I step off that ride I feel foolish.

Of course this is a metaphor for my life right now. Like I said, Oh Life.

In the real roller coaster world I have learned to stay far away from certain rides. No amount of peer pressure will make me give in. I have motion sickness and even with Dramamine I get sick just watching them. And others I love every second and anticipate the fall that is my favorite part. I guess what I am telling myself is that it all depends on the ride. Some are just meant to be, some you need a little a Dramamine and the trade off is worth it, and some even with the Dramamine will just never work for you, it will take you out no matter what you do.

I must really need a vacation and there is not one on the horizon or even far beyond that. It seems to be seeping into my thoughts. Smile.

Attack Of The Bugs!

Well I have had quite the week! Who am I? Well one thing I know about myself is that I HATE BUGS! I am truly scared of them, not all of them, mainly cockroaches and crickets. I don't even like writing the words, and who named them anyway?
We have been having a cricket problem at my house, the garage is where they take cover, this is why I have not finished unpacking. I swear they are breading in my boxes. The kids know the drill, I will swing my bag in front of the sensor to turn the light on and give the invaders a second to scatter, then I try to make one of them go first which usually backfires. So we run to the car, well really it's hoping while I am letting out little screams and we jump in the car. If they stall for any reason there will be yelling, they should just be prepared for this if that's what they choose. The apology will follow once the doors are shut. And yes if you are wondering cricket is one of the words in Hazels small vocabulary.
Now, on to the traumatizing events of the week. We have had some break in's recently in the cricket neighborhood and I freak out for a minute and then gather myself then run and get the bug zapper that some genius invented. I listen to it pop and fry, I can't bear to watch, then beg one of the kids to throw it away, which usually backfires. These crickets are stalking me and show up at the least expected times. I can't even sleep well because I think I can hear one hoping across the floor. HaHa laugh it up, you think this is funny!
One morning I wake up everything is normal, we eat breakfast, I go to brush my teeth and uncontrollably end up running away screaming waving my arms in the air. Hazel bolts after me because of course with four children you simply can't brush your teeth alone, you might miss a spot. It took me a long time and a lot of chest pains and heart palpitations later to accept that there was a dead roach in my sink and I was going to have to remove it myself. It ended up being flushed just in case it was playing dead followed by gagging for the next 4 hours and I didn't pee for the rest of the day.
July 4th, 9pm in sister's driveway piling everyone in the car to go watch fireworks, yay fun right. Right until I realize I'm being yelled at to get in the car before the roach does. After realizing I had two choices, I could either run for it and hope it doesn't attack or take the chance that it gets in the car. I would be walking for the rest of my life, so I ran, yes, screaming. It was HUGE and on my windshield an underside view, not looking good for me. My lovely sister is trying to coach me through it, just turn on the windshield wipers she says. But I couldn't what if it smeared it across. After quite a ruckus and with my eyes shut I was able to do it. And although I tried I just couldn't believe her when she said it flew off. The rest of the night I was in a daze, you know, post traumatic stress. I asked how she was not freaking out and she said well, when one person is panicking the other one has to stay calm and I obviously wasn't the calm one. I couldn't even pull in the drive way to drop them off, just made them jump out at a low speed drive by. smile. I wouldn't do that! But I did make them get out on the street. And Hailey snapped her flag in half running from the same roach to the car.
And now for the not funny in any way cricket attack! Just a normal day, spraying off the pool deck so we don't blister our feet getting ready to swim. I felt something and trying to stay calm this time asked my other lovely sister if there is something on me. She looked and said no, but then I knew I felt something and look over my shoulder and there is a cricket devil on my back! I admit it, I lost it I flung it off then ripped my hat off and started to scream and do a pretty dance. I just kept screaming "it was on my back, it was on me" As I scream that it is not funny while my sister is laughing a very nervous scared laugh, worried I've finally cracked, says "i know it's not i don't know why i'm laughing". As I look down they are everywhere. I try to spray them off and finally drop the hose and jump in the pool as I am being mocked by a bunch of little kids running around screaming yelling CRICKETS! I thought I was safe in the pool they can't swim right? I look up and there is one on my nephews back who is leaning over the side, so I yell of course trying to save him. He just goes under, but the cricket devil floats and doesn't die and he's coming for me. Lucky for skimmers with long handles. I am clearly not ok and have a hard time enjoying my swim. My sister says it was jimminy cricket must have been my conscience. Funny!
Yes, I realize I have a problem a disorder even and my children will be scarred for life. But I am still traumatized! I wonder if they make a medication for that? And just so you know, I will not get a wink of sleep tonight after revisiting these painful memories. But sharing helps you work through your issues right?

Cookie Alarms

Kaden is so funny. When I went to tuck him in he says " mom I went in the kitchen and I was going to get a cookie and I thought maybe you put them in the fridge so I looked in there and saw my bag of pretzels I put in there and that made me laugh HAHAHAHAHAHA! They weren't there so I decided to get a drink and I filled my cup all the way to the top so it spilled and then I saw that crinkley stuff you know that silver shiny crinkly stuff that you put over the cookies and use for an alarm so you will know who gets into them so I didn't get a cookie. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh you know what my favorite song is? Guess, it starts with a K. Guess HAHAHA Guess!(me thinking you must have gotten into something and not being able to think of a song that starts with a K I say I have no idea you will have to tell me) I can't tell you I don't know what it is HAHAHAHA! We could sing the ABC song but I think that one is just really slow.( Oh yeah I better go check the sugar) Sing me a song I've never heard (me totally drawing a blank we end up singing the ABC's and he races me to the end) As I walk out of the room HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm glad he went to bed happy. And now we all know that tin foil makes a great cookie alarm.

Who Am I ?

I feel like my castle has been stripped to the studs maybe even to the very foundation. Which when faced with this is a comfort to know that it can not be taken from me, it is mine and it is in the very depths of my heart.

I have been thinking of my life, who and what I am outwardly and inwardly. These two do not look as much alike as i wish they were for so many reasons. I want to change that. I have been searching my heart and my mind, I have lost so much of who I am trying to be what others wanted me to be. I want to become who the Lord thinks I am. When you have sources in your life always telling you or showing you that you don't matter or that you will never be enough it is so hard to think of yourself as the Lord does. I have a long way to go, but I have started by asking myself "who am i"? And "who do i want to be"?

Don't panic, this isn't the first time I have asked these questions. But sometimes things happen in life that change who you are. Sometimes parts of yourself get buried in sadness, disappointment, sorrow, depression the list can go on. You thought I was going to say snickers, twix, ice cream and fat didn't you. Anyway, I thought I might try and dig myself out a little at a time and find out who it is that I am. Who am I when I stand alone? Am I who I want to be? Not even close.

I am a mother, I have been a wife, I am a sister, a daughter, a friend.

simple thoughts that are boring to most everyone but me

In my scripture study I have been studying Lehi's dream. You can go into great depths about it, but it has touched me in a very simple way also. Holding to the iron rod on the path to the tree of life there are places where you are surrounded by mists of darkness. I can relate to this at the moment. I feel like I was walking with someone and then You feel blinded and you can't see and you can hear those people pointing and mocking and it does feel as if they hate you. You keep walking, but you don't know where you are going because now you are walking alone. sometimes it makes you feel lost, so full of sorrow and devastation. For a moment you can forget what you are holding on to because you can feel it swirling around you it's so dark you can't see. And then you remember that you never let go of that iron rod. You may feel alone, but you are not lost. It can be so hard because you want to go and find the one who let go. But all you can do is tighten your grip and keep walking until you can see again.
For me the pointing and mocking is more like indifference from people that I didn't necessarily have much of a relationship with, but it hurts all the same. It is so hurtful when someone can look at the surface and make assumptions about your life or about who they think you are. They say hurtful things and do hurtful things and they don't seem to care about your pain or the fact that they are adding to it. They don't seem to care about what is right or true and don't try to tell them because they don't want to know. They are going to believe what they want to.
This has been my experience. It's so strange how people that you knew didn't really like you to begin with can cause so much heartache when they make it clear that they still don't like you. I guess I thought they might have some compassion for me and my pain as a human being. I'm sure this seems silly to you, but this has changed me, it has changed who I am.
If I have ever made anyone feel this way I am very sorry. You have to judge right from wrong for your life and family. But I have realized it is nearly impossible to judge someone elses life or situation, you can never know what is truly beneath the surface of what you see, people don't usually share the humiliating details or their deepest heartaches of how they have been hurt. I can guarantee that no ones life is as simple as what you see. And you never know how much more sadness you can cause by being unkind or gossiping or by just not caring when you see someone who is hurting. Sometimes it's so hard to see past your own pain.
How does this have anything to do with Lehi's dream? You are wondering I'm sure. But when I asked myself what are my mists of darkness full of right now and how can I withstand them and make it through them this was a part of them. What?! Just a part?! You didn't think I was going to spill all the details that would actually make any of my ramblings make any sense did you. Don't be silly!

Sweet Little voice

Today me and the kids knelt down for prayer together. Little Hazel, who is 20mo., ran over knelt down folded her arms, which she has always done, but this time she just started to say the prayer using all the same tones that we always do. It was so cute we all clapped for her, after amen. But it was also just what I needed, a sweet little voice praying to her Father in Heaven to remind me of what my purpose in this life is, to be a mother, to teach them and love them and show them how to make it back to their Heavenly Father. It's good to know someone is paying attention!

my castle

You know those times in your life when the trials that you are faced with seem so heavy that they are crushing you and your heart can stand no more it is completely broken and you are just devastated beyond words? And you wonder sometimes if the Lord has abandoned you? Or really, that you know He is there, but why will He not step in and take over and save you from the unbearable pain both physical and emotional? In the midst of feeling completely abandoned and alone buried in your pain you think, Oh honestly just get it together,where is your faith! The relief comes after the trial of your faith! You already know this. You are turning to the Lord because there is no where else to go. And you just keep going because there is nothing else to do, you can't stop loving and giving and hoping even though sometimes that seems to make your heart crumble even more later. It is so difficult sometimes to carry the burdens when you know there are heavier ones coming in the future and you are just not sure how you will make it through. But somehow you always do, the Lord doesn't take it away it seems more that you are scraping by by the skin of your teeth, and you know that the Lord carried you for a moment. And in those times when that tiny ray of light reaches you in those desperate moments you are so grateful to Him and you realize He knows what He is doing even if you don't. He came and healed a tiny piece of your heart so that you can survive if it is broken again because again you already know it's going to get harder for awhile. Harder maybe forever just for different reasons. Because sometimes it is so hard to let go of the thing that is causing you so much pain. And it makes it worse because it is not wrong to hold on to it forever nor is it wrong to let go of it. I hate these kinds of decisions! But they do force you to cling to the Savior because He seems to be the only one who can tell you which way to go and of course it is never on the time line that you wish it was. My biggest hope is that I am able to come out of each trial stronger than before with a deeper unwavering testimony of my Savior and stronger relationship with my Father in Heaven. And if there is one thing I want to succeed in it is teaching my children to know their Heavenly Father to know that He loves them and knows them and to always turn to Him. So that when they feel they are alone in their pain and sorrow they will know that He is there crying with them. For them to know that everything good comes from Him. So often lately this primary song keeps coming to my mind. "If with all your heart ye truly seek me ye shall ever surely find me thus saith our God."
So often lately, too often. Almost every day sometimes, when my heart is down and out and I just can't bear it any longer it always seems to take me back to that. Am I seeking my Father in Heaven? Not just expecting Him to be there, but am I seeking Him and His will? In church they read a story by C.S. Lewis that went on to tell about how you let the Lord in to do some repairs and then He decides to remodel. You thought He was going to knock down a few walls, but you can't understand what He is doing because it's painful. You might feel a little upset. He's not just remodeling, but adding a second floor or a second wing and then a tower. He's building a castle fit for a king because He expects to come and live there Himself. I've been trying to remember that. Hopefully someday I'll be who He knows I can be and I will get to enjoy my castle.

My Spring Break

Just in case anyone was considering... Trying to recover from surgery while taking care of 4 kids is not fun! I do not recommend it, even for those nasty people who pretend that nothing is hard. If only I could have thought it remotely funny at the time I would have taken a picture of each disaster, but I did NOT think it was funny.
Just off the top of my head, that is pounding by the way, the kids could not pass up the chance to raid the pantry, cupboards, fridge and freezer. So naturally why would I be surprised when I walked in my bedroom and find a whole bag of chocolate chips spread all over the floor and a trail to the bathtub. The bathtub? Then of course the entire box of goldfish all of the living room floor, which trying to force them to clean, Kaden decided to suck each one up one at a time with the vacuum hose that plugged the vacuum. Why didn't you just eat them! And then is my mind playing tricks or do I hear the hose on outside!!! Mud and ruined clothes and baths tree times a day. And why is Hazel in the swing!! And you cannot understand unless this has happened to you, walking toward the kitchen noticing a trail of stickiness finding Hazel on the table, she had poured out an entire jug of apple juice all over the kitchen. You have to mop 2-3 times for the sticky to actually be gone. And then for the rest of the day you think everything is sticky so you wash it too. Baths once again. It doesn't help that two days before one of the possessed children that we will not name dropped a jug of apple juice and it broke, so I knew what I was in for. Toys strewn all over the house. Laundry taking over my bedroom and the hall. And why is there BLONDE HAIR ON THE FLOOR!!! After inspection Avary was the victim of one of the possessed. Then, I must be dreaming the pain must be driving me out of my mind there cannot be chocolate chips all over the living room floor. No no that chocolate scent is not cookies. Q tips all over the bathroom. Paint on the table, uuuhh yes your picture is beautiful. It's me,oh, am I smiling , crying or yelling? Not to mention the sick teething baby and all the hacking coughs. It was quite an eventful spring break. Do you think they were bored? I did take them out, not that they deserved it. I took them to Grandmas, the park and to Jeepers.
You think you are going to crack and then you hear one of those little voices singing from the other room, Avary, "I love to see the temple I'm going there some day I hope I see a ghooost". HaHa! I did, just for a minute, look at their little dirty faces and messy hair and the little twinkle in their eyes and think, what did I do to deserve you? . . . You can take that how ever you like. Smile.

Binks

I think we might have a problem on our hands. Or better yet our faces. Hazel is definitely the baby, she still has a binky and is almost 18 months old and even worse still drinks her milk from a bottle. Yes! I know! But right now it is just not worth listening to her cry, but it has to come to an end before her 18 month Dr. appointment because her Dr. will let me have it if she finds out. She is soo against bottles after 12 months, which is funny because so am I or I was until I had my fourth child and then ya know what's the big deal. But things have slipped in other areas too like having a barret in her hair at all times of course, but without a bow! And to tell the truth there have been many days when I haven't even brushed their hair, but still put a barrett in. But in my own defense I have had my plate very full and it came down to my hair or theirs and I have to say it has been 50/50 most of the time.
And can someone tell me why with my first child at this age she was talking and seemed so old and Hazel just says gaga and goo goo. I am not kidding! She really says that and corndog, which are gross by the way. Oh and you can't forget gilk, her other obsession, but refuses to say no or yes. She will only shake her head. I'm sure she can talk I have caught her before but it seems she is trying to get away with being a baby as long as possible. She has finally started to grow at least. One day she started eating and has not stopped, she wants to eat all day long. Her cheeks are are even filling out and she has gotten taller. Who would have thought!

Sickos

I have to say, I hate puke! It is even a gross word. Don't you think? First Kaden got it and he said he was an old man and had to sleep in our bed. The first thing out of his mouth, after his lunch, was I told you I can't go to school! And then poor little Hazel got it, she leaned over the side of her crib and threw up on the floor. she was throwing up every 20 minutes for 8 hours straight. I was holding her and out of the corner of my eye I see Avary running for her life screaming from the bathroom. I can't think of anything in this senerio that would have a good ending. I wondered, but Hazel was throwing up. Wait a minute why is there a shine coming from the floor, we all know my floors don't shine.That cannot be toilet water flooding my house!!!!! We all know I hate toilet water!! But it was a bad day so of course it was toilet water! Luckily Joanna was picking up Ryan so she got stuck holding the puking baby, and by some divine inspiration I some how was wearing tennis shoes. Because I would have died if I had to wade barefoot in toilet water.! I had to use every towel in my house to contain the flood. As I laid the swimming towels out Kade let out a squeal "We are going swimming"!! Do they pay attention to anything? I guess I must give them the same look when they want me to take them swimming. That could be true. I explained to Avary if you try and flush the toilet 500 times and then stuff toilet paper in it it will over flow, it is not a toy. All she said was "I didn't know that". What has my life come to when my floor in all reality was cleaner after the overflow.
Anyway poor Hazel didn't eat for 4 days and lost a pound. I was so worried, it took this little nut 16 months to hit 20lbs and now she only weighs 19lbs. She is finally feeling better. Then last night Hailey kept on getting out of bed and turning her radio on and sneaking books for an hour. Naturally when she came out and said her tummy hurt I did not believe her and said I wasn't falling for it. She showed me around 11pm when she leaned over the side of her bed to throw up because she didn't want to get her new blanked dirty. Another night of no sleep. Not that I get any sleep anyway, since I can't seem to put my book down. Where's my nanny!!

Excuses!

My little Kaden is so funny. For some reason he is totally against going to preschool. Everyday he has a new excuse for why he cannot go. Today he really got into it. On Monday he was coughing and said that his teacher said he couldn't come with a cough, which she never said, so as soon as I agreed he never coughed again. So I made him go the next day anyway. And of course he is sick again today with, well let me get this straight, a sore throat, a tummy ache or was it his head or was it a broken leg oh yeah it's just sooo boring can't I pick him up early. And we can't forget the car might get stuck in the garage again, and if we walk Avary might get poked by a cactus. As he watched his excuses go down in flames he teared up and said he just will miss me so much he just can't stand it. What am I to say to that! That was a good one!

Poor Kaden

My poor little Kaden. He has been mumbling the last couple of days and then whining when I can't understand him. This has been frustating so I end up telling him to go to his room if he can't talk like a big boy, oopen your mouth and enunciate(that spelling looks wrong to me, but everything looks wrong at this point)! Like I said, this has been going on for days so finally at the last fit I said" What is Wrong with You"! So he says "my ear hurts". Well why did he not tell me this days ago! I felt so bad I told him he didn't have to talk at all anymore. Apparently that meant he could cry instead. His jaw was swollen so he couldn't open his mouth hardly at all, hence the mumbling. We tested and he can't hear anything out of his right ear. I am just going to go ahead and blame all of the ignoring that has been going on on the fact that he is deaf in one ear. Why not, I'm just going to go ahead and throw in all of the fits and misbehaving too. The poor little guy has been suffering in silence all this time, well except when he was throwing fits and misbehaving, but definitely when he was ignoring. He cried all night and couldn't sleep even with medicine. I took him to the Dr. this morning and she said he has a very severe ear infection. She kept on saying how bad it was and that it looked really gross and how it's got to hurt really bad. Just to add to my guilt I'm sure. He didn't want to talk much because he had been crying so much, but when she was leaving he stopped her and said that he thinks there are gold fish swimming in his tummy. What is she supposed to do about that?
We went to eat lunch with Grandpa and the second he saw him Kaden said that he was all better and he jumped up to run, he stopped and said, well maybe not all the way better. But he has been happier. So, I figure the next time one of my kids throws a fit or starts to cry I should either ask them if their ears hurt. That might confuse them enough to stop them in their tracks. Or the good old fashioned What is wrong with you. If I get a bunch of mumbling then I will know what to do. Oh yeah, Avary cried the whole way home 30+ min! because she wanted a big carrot! She must know that I carry big carrots in my bag at all times and she was highly offended that I wouldn't share.

Ramlings of the sleep deprived!

Just so you know, I am not pregnant and have zero plans on becoming pregnant EVER, I am just getting fat. You may not have noticed the ten pounds, or maybe you have, I certainly have and my wardrobe certainly has. It all started with one bag of bite-size snickers, because those are better, right? Just one bite and that's all you need. That's all I needed to want more, but then the bag was gone so I had to move on to twix. But it's ok because they were bite size. Yes, I said were. Now I'm on to snickers again, except for that brief week of symphony bar after Christmas. OK, it was more than one, but Ric ate half. And the kids always seem to find my stash so I never really know how much I actually ate. All I can really remember is the frustration when I find the empty bag and little wrappers all over the house. Did they really think they could get away with it? I have eyes in the back of my head.

Don't panic I have every intention of losing the weight. I have hit my personal maximum weight allowed without being pregnant or having had a baby in the last year. Sadly I gained this weight after Hazel turned one. I just want to make sure that it's out of my system so I don't feel deprived when I stop buying them. And you need to know that I have been putting spinach in almost everything I eat just to try and counter act the chocolate binge. That changes everything now that you know that doesn't it.

Did I mention that I have been up till 2:00 in the morning and getting up at 7:00am for the last three days. And I'm not just sleeping we are putting one of the kids back in their bed after almost being pushed out of mine. So, everything is kind of hazy and the light seems brighter than normal. Ahh, you say, here is the source of all this rambling! Well, what else can I do I'm too tired to clean and all the chocolate is making me lazy! And I must be ready at a moments notice when my little barking seal(Hazel has croup) calls for her willing servant, well sometimes not so willing. But today it is the perfect excuse for why I can do nothing else other than sit and stare and sometimes ramble on.

Why do I choose to ramble on my blog, you wonder? Well, because the children don't seem to be that interested in anything I have to say. But, I bet they like me better because I'm not making them do any chores and I just want to order pizza. And Of Course you can play video games today because you are so quiet and you are less likely to notice that I am doing absolutely nothing. I must have fooled Avary she must think I am doing something important because she wants me to get off the computer so she can play on it. She gets a blank stare, so now she is confused, maybe I'm not doing something important. So now she doesn't care and went to play with her toys. I should try that more often.

Oh, there is my Que, my little seal wants some milk. Milk is her favorite thing these days and she prefers it in a bottle. I can hear the SHOCK in your thoughts! A fifteen month old with a bottle! Just her milk she drinks her water from a sippy!
I know, what have I become? She still has a binky too!

Avary must have seen the look on my face and now she is convinced that it must be important so now she is back. onb,,,,,,,,,,nnnnn ,nnnnnnnvvvvvvvmmmmm,gggcyo;utrjsssssssss'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''sssssssssss
Do you see what can happen in the two seconds it takes to hand a little seal her bottle. I'm a little scared to turn around and see what has been going on two feet away from me.

Ric's been growing his hair out.

I Love this picture of Hailey-doesn't she look so sweet and innocent.

Christmas 2008

It's getting more and more difficult to get a picture of them all looking in the same direction smiling. And smiling their natural smiles and not their fake cheesy ones.