You know those times in your life when the trials that you are faced with seem so heavy that they are crushing you and your heart can stand no more it is completely broken and you are just devastated beyond words? And you wonder sometimes if the Lord has abandoned you? Or really, that you know He is there, but why will He not step in and take over and save you from the unbearable pain both physical and emotional? In the midst of feeling completely abandoned and alone buried in your pain you think, Oh honestly just get it together,where is your faith! The relief comes after the trial of your faith! You already know this. You are turning to the Lord because there is no where else to go. And you just keep going because there is nothing else to do, you can't stop loving and giving and hoping even though sometimes that seems to make your heart crumble even more later. It is so difficult sometimes to carry the burdens when you know there are heavier ones coming in the future and you are just not sure how you will make it through. But somehow you always do, the Lord doesn't take it away it seems more that you are scraping by by the skin of your teeth, and you know that the Lord carried you for a moment. And in those times when that tiny ray of light reaches you in those desperate moments you are so grateful to Him and you realize He knows what He is doing even if you don't. He came and healed a tiny piece of your heart so that you can survive if it is broken again because again you already know it's going to get harder for awhile. Harder maybe forever just for different reasons. Because sometimes it is so hard to let go of the thing that is causing you so much pain. And it makes it worse because it is not wrong to hold on to it forever nor is it wrong to let go of it. I hate these kinds of decisions! But they do force you to cling to the Savior because He seems to be the only one who can tell you which way to go and of course it is never on the time line that you wish it was. My biggest hope is that I am able to come out of each trial stronger than before with a deeper unwavering testimony of my Savior and stronger relationship with my Father in Heaven. And if there is one thing I want to succeed in it is teaching my children to know their Heavenly Father to know that He loves them and knows them and to always turn to Him. So that when they feel they are alone in their pain and sorrow they will know that He is there crying with them. For them to know that everything good comes from Him. So often lately this primary song keeps coming to my mind. "If with all your heart ye truly seek me ye shall ever surely find me thus saith our God."
So often lately, too often. Almost every day sometimes, when my heart is down and out and I just can't bear it any longer it always seems to take me back to that. Am I seeking my Father in Heaven? Not just expecting Him to be there, but am I seeking Him and His will? In church they read a story by C.S. Lewis that went on to tell about how you let the Lord in to do some repairs and then He decides to remodel. You thought He was going to knock down a few walls, but you can't understand what He is doing because it's painful. You might feel a little upset. He's not just remodeling, but adding a second floor or a second wing and then a tower. He's building a castle fit for a king because He expects to come and live there Himself. I've been trying to remember that. Hopefully someday I'll be who He knows I can be and I will get to enjoy my castle.
