But I know that it will always hurt and sometimes my heart feels like it hurts physically, like an elephant is smashing it and it is going to burst.
I look at my children and my heart hurts for them. I want to protect them from all of the heartache that life is going to bring. I know that the only way is to lead them to a loving Heavenly Father. I want them to know Him.
It is only natural that I would feel the way I do, but it is just so senseless and unnecessary. Sometimes I want to feel angry, but I don't have the energy. And usually it is only sadness underneath anyway.
It is called free agency and sometimes it is painful to watch. But I had a thought or more a feeling at the temple today. My Savior feels just as much sadness over what is happening. He doesn't expect me to ignore my sorrow. He is there feeling it with me. He will be here to comfort me even when He knows I will be ok someday.
But right now it hurts. It hurts to know that everything I have given didn't make any difference. It hurts to know that he doesn't want me or our family, that he can walk away without a word, without even fighting for us. My heart can't understand. I will never understand.
I know that I am doing the best that I can while running on empty. The Lord gives me just enough to smile and laugh and show my kids that we will be ok. Just enough to make it through the day until they are in bed.
And then I have to go to my Heavenly Father and thank Him and beg Him for more.
I know that He loves me because He had someone plant all of these beautiful flowers at the temple. Mixed with the orange blossoms that fill the air, for a moment it was heaven.
we did things a little backwards, we ate frozen yogurt before dinner.
then we had a picnic at the temple.
cute.
this is what two naughty squirrels look like in time out.
and this is heaven right.
We will skip the part where they threw fits and disobeyed and made me want to yell.
They are in bed now so they are all sweet little angels.
