my little boy

Kaden came and told me that he is going to miss me when he goes on the father sons camp out this weekend. He said that he will be thinking of his sisters and his family.

He said that it will give us some girl time, it will be good for us because he knows that he is the hardest one to take care of after all. Yes, he says after all. He says it's because he tries to sneek food to bed with him.

But he wants me to know that he will be missing me.

That makes a mother smile.

Of course I laugh and hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I will miss him because he is my favorite boy, ever.

And that makes him smile.

He is supposed to be sleeping but instead he builds a fort. He wants me to come look at it because it is missing just one thing, he says. His family, it needs his family in it.

I tuck him in, again, and sing him a song. Always the same one. And he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

Oh how I love him. I want him to be my little boy forever.

Running on empty

You know it has been so hard lately, so I go and pray and read my scriptures and fast and go to the temple. I strive to keep my covenants and I have faith and I know that the Lord will take care of me and my children. He gives me peace in my heart when I feel like it is too much to bear.

But I know that it will always hurt and sometimes my heart feels like it hurts physically, like an elephant is smashing it and it is going to burst.

I look at my children and my heart hurts for them. I want to protect them from all of the heartache that life is going to bring. I know that the only way is to lead them to a loving Heavenly Father. I want them to know Him.

It is only natural that I would feel the way I do, but it is just so senseless and unnecessary. Sometimes I want to feel angry, but I don't have the energy. And usually it is only sadness underneath anyway.

It is called free agency and sometimes it is painful to watch. But I had a thought or more a feeling at the temple today. My Savior feels just as much sadness over what is happening. He doesn't expect me to ignore my sorrow. He is there feeling it with me. He will be here to comfort me even when He knows I will be ok someday.

But right now it hurts. It hurts to know that everything I have given didn't make any difference. It hurts to know that he doesn't want me or our family, that he can walk away without a word, without even fighting for us. My heart can't understand. I will never understand.

I know that I am doing the best that I can while running on empty. The Lord gives me just enough to smile and laugh and show my kids that we will be ok. Just enough to make it through the day until they are in bed.

And then I have to go to my Heavenly Father and thank Him and beg Him for more.

I know that He loves me because He had someone plant all of these beautiful flowers at the temple. Mixed with the orange blossoms that fill the air, for a moment it was heaven.




we did things a little backwards, we ate frozen yogurt before dinner.


then we had a picnic at the temple.


cute.


this is what two naughty squirrels look like in time out.


and this is heaven right.

We will skip the part where they threw fits and disobeyed and made me want to yell.

They are in bed now so they are all sweet little angels.

FYI

FYI

Something I don't like - when my husband doesn't stop by, won't answer my calls and acts like we don't exist when I have had a toothache all day that is causing a huge headache. It makes the day feel a million hours long. And it makes my children feel unimportant. I am going to try and not think about how it makes me feel. After this little outburst, of course. It is getting old, quite frankly. It is a daily occurrence lately and it is hard to be patient.

On a happier note, I came into the kitchen and found this. Could there be a better sight from a two year old?



Don't get too excited, after she had her fill of the swivel sweeper she proceeded to go through the play room dumping out all of the toys. Just to even things out in the universe.

Spring Break part 2

Day #4

It's all a bit fuzzy by now, but I believe we went to peter piper pizza. The kids went crazy! They were clawing their way up my arm to get to the tokens. We had to force them to eat their pizza. So, I would say they had fun.

Day #5

I piled the kids in the car and headed to Tuscon. I know some very lovely people there. Really, sometimes I wonder if I made them up. It gives me hope for the world to know that there can be families and marriages that function the way our Father in Heaven wants them to. To know that a husband can really truly love his wife and children. And want to come home to them. For a minute it makes me sad and want to cry because I am feeling sorry for myself, but it's only a minute and then I just feel an even stronger desire to make sure I am doing what the Lord asks of me so that I too will have that someday.

The kids had so much fun and didn't want to leave, it was hard to make them because they looked so happy. Hailey asked if we could move there. They loved the animals, the playground, the trampoline and of course the company. The kids were perfect in the car the way there and the way home. I thought it was too good to be true, but when I got home I put them in their beds and put their jammies on and they were out.


It may be blurry but i love the expression on his face, it's called happy.


Avary ran ahead and when we caught up this is what i found, so sweet.



How would you like to wake up to this view? It helped that the weather was perfect with a cool breeze.



I went and said a prayer of thanks for the love that this family has shown me. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this family. They are so lucky to have each other. On Sunday I fasted for them that the desire of their heart will be granted. It's the only thanks they will accept, I think.

Fact about me - I have my breath taken away every time I look at the beauty of the world around me. I notice everything and I find it so beautiful it is hard for me to comprehend. I could spend my life soaking up nature. The yellow flowers on the side of the road made me want to cry. I feel the spirit when I look around me at what has been created for us. I couldn't stop telling my kids to LOOK. Look how much Heavenly Father loves us that he would make such beautiful things for us to look at. I told them probably twenty times, but I think they love it too. Every time we see a green field we say how fun it would be to run barefoot through it. Living in the midwest was like nature overload for me and I have always missed the beauty of it. (I have my Dad to thank for this, he has always loved it and brought it to our attention, especially trees, big trees).

DAY 3

I woke up this morning to those two little arms around my neck. I am glad she loves me.

I went to look for someone to pinch, after I put on a green shirt of course.

Hailey got a little pinch right on her tooshie. I went after Kade, but he was prepared. He was wearing green underwear just for the occasion.

I armed my kids with green clothing and went to a play date. Afterwards we went to chick-fila and then to the dollar store. Kade got a squirt gun, Hailey got a fuzzy picture with markers, Avary got stickers and Hazel got lips which she wiped all over her face.

Picked up a friend for Hailey and headed home. The kids had home made pizza, green shakes and a water fight in the backyard. I let them stay up late and watch spongebob.

I love that every night when I say it's time for bed Avary says in a panicked voice, "we have to have scriptures and prayers!"

Kade was walking to his room at a snails pace because every time he took a step there was a crinkling sound. I looked at him and smiled and asked what he had hidden in his jammie pants. Smiling he said he didn't know, as we stared each other down. I won and told him to hand it over. It was a package of ramen! haha He said he was hungry.

You don't need your hearing or sight tested if you have children. smile.





We are growing a jungle of weeds in the backyard.

Spring Break

(mini gummy bears everywhere)

Spring Break Day #1

The 2yr old has been waking up all night long to get in my bed. She sleeps for a little bit but then by 5:30am she is wide awake wrapping her little arms around my neck trying to strangle me with her hugs in my sleep. There are usually two kids in my bed each morning.

I am not a morning person, so I grumpily tell them it's not time to get up and to go back to sleep. It fails every time.

This time I didn't get up. I laid in my bed and listened to the kids sneak around getting into things. I knew they were making messes. I threatened that they better get everything picked up before I came out. It failed.

OH, THE MESS!

I didn't have it in me to do anything. So we went to Barrow's with the cousins and ate pizza. Then we spent the day at the park and got slushies. I don't even remember what we ate for dinner.

Bath, bed, everyone tucked in. I was stood up, felt sad, disappointed. Watched the Marriage Ref on hulu (funny made me laugh). Stayed up way too late.

Day #2

Same 2yr old woke me up all night. Two kids in my bed, up way too early. Let the kids play around the house. Got everyone ready, it is time consuming to do 3 girls hair.

Ate lunch at my mom's house with my sister. Couldn't really eat, no appetite.

My sister babysat while I went to the temple (bless her heart). I know she was tired.
Went with a heavy heart and I had to pee the whole time. So I guess I had a heavy bladder too. Gross.

Came home with a sad heart.

My sister warned me that the kids were dirty and she gave them earthworms. But not to worry they all died. The kids picked a bunch of grandmas flowers for me with lots of bugs.

Dinner, baths, bed. . .

And now is when I ignore the messy house and sink full of dishes. I will probably stay up way too late because I am not ready for another day.

It is so hard to push yourself and put on a happy face when there is so much heartache inside. I don't want my children to feel that. They ask questions that I can't answer and that makes my heart hurt more. They are the one's that I cry for.

Tomorrow I am going to try my hardest to not be a big sad puddle of tears. I am going to soak up every little smile and giggle. After all it is going to be St. Patrick's Day!

Special Friend

So, I know I have been sad lately, but I got a little pick me up the other night when I read a friends blog, I can even call her family, for now. (she said I could forever, but she might get tired of me and change her mind, we will see).

I was reminded of all those wonderful things we know but somehow don't feel when we are heartbroken. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and He wants me to be happy. I know that He wants me to have a forever family even more than I do. He knows what's in store for me and what I need. And He will always keep His promises. He promised me that if I keep my covenants I will have an eternal family and I will have all of the blessings that come with that. I want that so badly in this life and that is what I have been fighting for all these years. But it is such a comfort to know that no matter what happens here I will have that in the end. It is called the plan of happiness so that has to be true.

My heart was comforted when I needed it so much and I have been able to go back to that feeling all week and be comforted again. I have faith in my Savior and that is exactly what I am going to let Him be, My Savior. He will bless me in the ways He knows I need. Even though my heart doesn't always understand. He is still in the demolition stage of my castle.

Thank you special friend for coming to visit me, you made me feel loved.

Toothache

My filling fell out and my tooth is killing me.
I need a root canal.

Dental insurance?
Not at the moment.

Money?
None.

I don't think I will be getting much sleep tonight.

At least it takes my mind off of my broken heart.
Why is it broken?
For the same old reason it is always broken.
Maybe I should get a clue and just let go.
Stop thinking that if I wait long enough there will be a different outcome.

Feeling so sad.
I am forced to face things that I can't understand.
My heart cannot even comprehend them.

I have to make decisions that I don't want to make.
Decisions that no one understands.
To my knees is the only place of comfort.
My only guidance.

I see people who have done what I am living.
They seem ok, sometimes happy.
I can't see how it will ever feel ok.
How it will ever stop hurting.

I wish I could go to bed for awhile.
Wake up when it's all over.

Instead I took the girls to a playdate.
When I really didn't want to socialize.

Cried my sad song to my sister,
who politely and lovingly ate the cookies I make for her every time she comes over, while she listened.

Babysat my nephews.
Did a song and dance to make the kids smile.
When they threw a pillow at me I turned it into a prop.
They had no choice but to join in.

Went to meet the kids cousins for pizza.
Smiled and laughed with my sisters.

Came home to bathe the kids.
Bed time routine..........
Alone.

Laundry.

Delay going to bed
Because tomorrow is another day.

I guess my throbbing tooth is a blessing.
Because it keeps my mind off of all of this.

Sounds pathetic?
Sometimes.
Yes, I know.

My break. . . kind of.

I waited for 3 years for this. I went somewhere with my sisters WITHOUT any children. Where did we go? Only to the happiest place on earth.
This is at our hotel our first morning. Look how happy we are. smile.



This photo makes me laugh. My hair got in my mouth, I didn't care that I was falling I just didn't want my hair in my mouth. gross. Ranell looks as if nothing is happening. Apparently Joanna is the only one on the ride.



Ranell looks like she is coming to get you.



We decided to go on the screamin california 2 times in a row. Bad idea for Ranell, she almost threw up on the back of my head. She was sick for awhile. Poor thing. And that boy sitting next to her almost walked right into a fence when he got off.



I love to look at flowers, they make me happy. They are beautiful everywhere you go in the park and you can smell them. sigh.



You have never fully experienced a roller coaster unless you are sitting next to Joanna. She screams and screams then laughs uncontrollably. It is so contagious you end up laughing until tears are streaming down your face. Fun.



Space Mountain. Need I say more.



Splash Mountain. I don't like getting wet when fully clothed. It's just wrong.



Space Mountain again at midnight. We are so exhausted we can't even keep our eyes open.



This is what 3 days of Dramamine, no sleep, and very little fluids looks like. Somehow being dropped and shaken silly is fun. So much for a relaxing time away we kind of tortured ourselves.



It was raining when we got to our hotel at one in the morning, we got soaked. It was raining when we left. But it was sunny and beautiful when we needed it to be.
I came home with 2 bruises and a swollen face. I laughed until I cried multiple times. It was so fun. I am so glad I have sisters who I am comfortable to just be myself around. Weather we are teasing or laughing or crying. I love you crazy ladies!!

Is it nap time yet?

It is a cold, overcast, rainy day.
I am so tired.
I am fighting the urge to go climb into my bed and turn my heating blanket on and take a loong nap.
So tempting, but what would I do with the children?

Update.

Update on my Chocolate Cheerios.

I am always surprised at the serving size on the side of the box (you know how you read the box over and over while you are eating).

So, I decided to actually measure how much cereal I actually pour into my bowl. Judging by the amount of weight I would like to lose it was no surprise.

The recommended serving size is 3/4 cup. With 1/2 cup of milk.

This made me laugh!! Seriously? I think I would faint by 9am. Although I don't eat it for breakfast, I eat it for dinner.

So, how much do I eat? 3x that much. So instead of 240 calories I get 720 calories. Yikes!!

I guess that is why it is so good and why I go to bed with a full stomach.

Will this change my eating habits? I will probably try cutting it in half, but I will still be eating the ever so yummy Chocolate Cheerios.

I heart

I heart Chocolate Cheerios. I have been eating this for dinner.