2011 was maybe the hardest year yet. There are so many to choose from. smile.
I am feeling pretty confident that 2012 will be better than last year, right up to the last day of it. But this is the year I am supposed to go through a divorce so I hear that's pretty bad, it has been so far anyway.
I have a lot of new really big decisions to make and we all know how much I looove making big decisions. Decisions that mean changes for my kids, those are the worst. I worry so much and am always scared of making the wrong decision and making things harder for them. I hate it, I HATE it I tell you!! I don't have any idea how people live without prayer and trust that the Lord will answer you. I know He will and I still stress out because I am always worried I will make a mistake. Later I can see how the Lord guides me and loves me. It's just the getting to later part that is hard.
My first goal is to work on having a brighter outlook on the year 2012. That way all of my goal making will reflect a brighter outlook, right?
I feel like I am starting from the bottom. From the bottom of everything, my heart, my relationships, it hurts when relationships change or when you find out who really cares when you are at the bottom with heartache. I have to start small with things like seeing the future without sadness. And you know what, I don't care what other people think I should be feeling, I am sad right now and I have a right to be. I have a right to be quiet or to be alone without being criticized for it. And that's all I have to say about that mystery subject.
I don't understand and never will even begin to understand why these last couple of years had to happen. All I know is that I need to get back what I have lost in the process and come out of it a better person who chooses to let it draw me closer to the Savior. A very special person reminds me often to "Stay in today because that is the only way to have the spirit with you". I admit I struggle with that, not looking into the future and being terrified of how in the world I am going to be and accomplish and provide all that is required of me, for my children. One more thing to go on my list after I conquer the first step to my list. Actually that has been on the list for a long time.
The most important thing I have learned this year and continue to learn forever is to follow the spirit. Even when you are so lost you don't remember which way is up and you think you cannot go a step further. Follow the spirit and Pray. Cry if you have to, I started and never stopped. The Lord is always waiting to take you back.
So...Bring it on....I think.
