Letting Go

When I'm sad this song Let Go by Matt Hammit is pretty much exactly how I feel. It's the prayer always running through my head. I have a problem letting go.

I love all of his songs, but I really love this one too, I experienced this too in a one sided way maybe that's part of why I can't let go.

I really do Believe this.

Source: theamateurwriter.blogspot.com via Camille on Pinterest

Before The Morning

My friend posted this song, I hear it all the time on the radio and I always think, you still have four reasons to sing. Sometimes it's so hard to come out of the heartache and loss and actually feel this.

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

My friend you know how this all ends
And You know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on you've gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Before the morning

Friday Letters

Dear Children, you all took turns crying and throwing fits this week. And one of you folded your arms glared right at me and said "NO" when I said it was time to go home. This was very unlike you, but you stood your ground through my patience until I took a step toward you and then you ran for the car. Ha it made me laugh because you were forcing yourself to be naughty. I only laugh about that stuff when you aren't looking. Dear Hazel, trying to remove your band aid for a bath was like trying to fight off a crazy cat screaming at the top of it's lungs. You went NUTS! And I would like you to explain how your 34 pounds can be strong enough to keep my hands away from your band aided knee. I am always amazed at the screams that can come from your tiny body. For real...it was scary. Dear Dad, thank you for taking Hailey to the stake Daddy/Papa-Daughter night. I heard the dancing was...fun.ha. Dear B&D, thanks for having us over for good old Home Evening and teaching us "Come what may and Love it". I'm working on that. My kids seem to go nuts at your house, thanks for loving us anyway. Dear VT, you are so sweet and I know the Lord knew I would need you around about now, thank you for all you do and for the home made bread your dropped off.(that your husband made? whaaat?) It didn't last long cause it was yummy. Dear Avary, you have officially earned the longest prayer giver award in our family, that is proof of how thoughtful you are. I love it, it makes me laugh cause you always receive a very enthusiastic AMEN from us all. Ha Kade said "wow mom I didn't think I was going to make it I almost gave up" But he loves it when you pray for him. Dear Sleep, trouble again, or still. Being woken up an hour after falling asleep to Hazel's reflux acting up means a whole night of trying to stay awake because she can tell if you are keeping a look out for her even when her eyes are closed. Dear Awkward, when the taco bell drive through guy looks you straight in the eyes and says in a serious way "are those your real eyes or do you wear contacts" I couldn't help laughing and said "these babies are real" and then he sticks out his fist, he wanted props. Dear Kade, you have had an emotional week, and despite being as active as any 8yr old boy can be your incisions are healing anyway. Dear David Glass, I am sorry you had to leave your family and this world and all of us who loved you. You were such a wonderful example to all who knew you, thank you for always loving us and being so concerned with how we are even when you were in so much pain. It meant so much to us. To think of all the lives you have touched and so many that you loved shows what a great man you were. My prayers are with your wonderful wife and your family. Dear Self, some days I know exactly where I am and where I am going and others I feel completely lost. Still working on my first goal for the year.

This Quote struck me.

In the midst of the unsettled condition, the uncertainty that is in the world, if there ever was a time when we should examine ourselves, to find out if we are doing what the Lord would have us do, it is today; if there ever was a time when we should be sure that we are in the pathway of eternal life, it is now. We can't slight these opportunities. God will not be mocked. When he has offered to us a gift, when he has placed within our reach a blessing, when he has invited us to partake of a feast and we ignore it, we may be sure that we shall suffer the distress that will come to those who refuse the blessings of the Lord when they are offered.

Conference Report, Oct. 1930

Friday Letters

Dear Children, some days are so hard for you and I wish I could take it all away. I think it helps when we can do things by our selves sometimes and feel like our own family. Dear B&A, thanks for having us over for dinner, it was fun to visit and dinner was yummy. You are looking very cute with your preggo tummy. Dear Kade, my poor little boy you were so worried and anxious about having surgery to remove two scary moles(and I was even more so about you being put under)nothing really calmed you until they gave you verced(sp)the forgetting drug. The only problem is all you remember is how you felt before you took it which was scared. It all went well and you ended up with one open circle and five stitches to heal, now the problem is getting you to follow Dr.s orders so it can heal properly. This has proved to be impossible. Dear Phoenix Children's Hospital, walking in your halls and being in your rooms with my little boy brought a flood of bad memories. I was sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears with emotion all day. Anyone who has had a very sick child can understand those feeling that never seem to go away. And sitting there alone just like all of the other times. On the other hand I am extremely grateful that you are there when I need you and so thankful we have such good Dr.s. Dear B&D, thank you for watching my girls so that at least one part of my mind was at ease. If you think it's hard to convince a lawyer you should try convincing the lawyers wife, your hourly rates are way too low especially when there are damages to claim. Dear Basketball Practice, you stink. The only place to sit is the floor with three very bored girls. And I do believe you are against Dr.s orders. Dear Parenting, so much of the time I am left having no idea what to do. And I hate that I have to do it alone. Dear Ric, I'm glad you had a good birthday. Dear Self, I pretty much feel like I am drowning most of the time. I know I have to keep doing all of the important things that are supposed to help and then wait on the Lord. Some days the heartache feels so unbearable I am waiting to make it over that hill that I am pretending is there.

Punishment

I admit I find this entertaining. A glimpse inside my 11yr olds head when her punishment is to write an essay because I am tired and and can't think of any thing better.

Stealing (getting into my stuff, I call stealing. because it is.)

you do not take what isn't yours. if you do, it will take away the spirit and love in your home, it will make you sad and your parents will yell and be mad at you, you will have to pay for it too.(money) when you choose to steal, you choose to follow saten, when you need to be following Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, you need to choose the right. if you do not choose the right you will go to the telestral kingdom(Hell) if you sometimes steal, you will go to the Terrestral kingdom, if you never steal, you will go to the celetral kingdom. your family will go to the celesral kingdom if they all choose the right. if they dont, they will be separated from each other.

Arguing

you should not argue cause it leaves you to fight more. you should never start an argument with your mom because she will ground you. Do not argue with your dad or he will ground you from the tv or computer(wich is not working). every time you argue I should take off 2 min. of earned time for kindle or tv or going downstairs to play with my cousins. instead of argueing you should go do what she asks you to when your done you could go to your room when you feel like it and take a pillow and punch it as many times you did not argue it will make you more happy and it will the day mor pleasant, more fun at the end e of the day. and last but not least it will stop you from arguing.

Hmmm....interesting. I don't think she took this very seriously and she has a couple of weird ideas. This leads to some talks about the three degrees of glory and puncuation and spelling, but not comma's cause we both like comma's. These made me laugh.

What consequences do you use for your 11yr old? I'm running out of ideas and can never thing of things on the spot. She doesn't really care either. Now if I had Kade write an essay the whole world would be ending.

Bumps

The school nurse called me and said that Avary had bumped her head at recess and had a goose egg on her forehead. She said she was a little uncomfortable with it because Avary didn't cry or tell the aide, they just happened to notice her huge forehead and when asked what happened she said "what". She thought I should probably come and get her.

She had bumped her head about a month ago in the same spot right on her scar from stitches and didn't remember what happened, but she was fine so I asked to talk to her. I asked how she hit her head and she said on a pole, it hurt really bad but she didn't want to cry because she wanted to be tough. FYI the more it hurts the quieter she gets, she got that from me. I asked her if she wanted to come home and she said she was upset because they made her go to the nurse and she didn't want to miss art. Well, I couldn't see her so I told the nurse she wanted to stay and there was only an hour left of school, she said ok, but if the teacher is uncomfortable looking at her I will call you back. I thought that was a little weird.

When I picked her up they had her head wrapped in an ice pack taped to her head and hair. When I removed it I felt like a winner and am now nominated as the mom of the year! Poor thing, they didn't tell me she had two foreheads and that it was all mushy. I decided to take her to the ER to have it checked out, I know too many people with a permanent bump on their head. The Dr. said he wouldn't lance it because it could introduce infection and it should settle down in her face and bruise the top half of her head. He also told her he thought she was so pretty that her daddy is going to have to scare all the boys away with a shotgun. That's not usually what I would say to a 6yr old. Yeah like I said I know too many people who's bump hangs on for years so pray that my Babycakes forehead goes back to normal so we don't have to cut bangs. She was spacey all afternoon. The pictures don't do it justice.


Now that doesn't look like a normal forehead and it doesn't look like it feels very good.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, emotions have been a little crazy around here with you, someone always seems to be having a breakdown. I understand how you feel. Dear Routine, I guess we meet again, back to school, dance, piano,scouts, activity days, homework and now basketball. I think we are over scheduled. Dear Home, I know there has to be a home waiting for us out there somewhere at an affordable price where we can be our own family again. Driving by our old house was a huge mistake it caused tears in all of my children especially Avary who bawled for at least 30min because she just wants to go home. Dear Hailey, you cut off about 10 inches of hair and look super cute. We'll see what happens when it air dries so we can see what we are dealing with now. Your long hair dried into pretty curly waves. At least we will save on shampoo and conditioner. I hope you are having an awesome time on your field trip today. Dear Awkward, going down to the high school to get my transcripts so hopefully I won't have to take chemistry again only to have them tell me that was so long ago that my records are in the archives in the shed at the back of the school and they will call me when they find them. No Joke. Dear Conference Talks, I love reading you. You can bring so much comfort and important reminders. Dear Self, you can't really put a level on sadness as soon as I think I can't be any more sad a new level appears. I have had way to much loss in the last year. It's hard being alone. It's hard to wait for answers and have your whole life at a crossroads. The Lord really want's me to understand patience.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, your entire vacation from school I have let you run wild, in my opinion, and all it has gotten me is a lot of whining. I think inside you really do prefer a schedule and an early bedtime. Dear 2011, you were a mix of hope and hell. The peace in the storm and also the deepest most hopeless heartache and disappointment. Doing things I felt I was not capable of doing, but somehow I did. I never ever wish to relive you. Not ever. I think I said that last year. Dear New Years Eve, I was awake, but I admit we were all in bed and the kids were asleep, against all their objections. I was in no mood to celebrate anything, actually I stayed in my room all night, but I did let the kids celebrate with everyone else downstairs. Dear 4am Wake-Up Call, having my 4yr old climb in my bed asking for a drink, me giving her one, and her taking a really long drink of water. Starting to fall back asleep only to be wakened by her throwing up all over me. Luckily, yes there is a luckily here, it was water not food. This happens sometimes, she will wake in the middle of the night or early morning and start dry heaving every 15min. for most of the day and then when it all settles down she eats a big dinner and is weak, but ok. She did this with her acid reflux regularly especially if she missed her medicine. But she is off medicine for four months now and it was a shocker let me tell you. Not how I like to be woken up, wait I never like being woken up. Maybe because I can't remember ever sleeping one whole night through. Dear Sweet Friends, you somehow still love me and always seem to call and cheer me up when I really need a friend. Thank you. Dear Cafe Rio, I have wanted a pork salad for months, I finally drove across town and you looked so tasty but after a couple of bites I couldn't eat any more. What a waste. Dear B&D, poor things you listened to me way too much this week. Thank you for being there and for providing a blessing when I needed one. And for offering to let me move in.smile. only real friends do that.ha Dear Temple, oh my sweet Temple, how I have missed your familiar halls and staircase and celestial room with my chair. My chair was waiting for me. And so was the perfect scripture, D&C 6. Followed by a blessing confirming all of my feelings. All of this somehow makes it seem ok that I don't have any answers. Dear Self, things have been really hard lately, so hard. I don't have any answers and just for a moment that's ok. I feel time flying by and I feel the weight of things to come and I feel all of the loss and sadness that come with it. But today I know the Lord loves me.

2012

2011 was maybe the hardest year yet. There are so many to choose from. smile.
I am feeling pretty confident that 2012 will be better than last year, right up to the last day of it. But this is the year I am supposed to go through a divorce so I hear that's pretty bad, it has been so far anyway.

I have a lot of new really big decisions to make and we all know how much I looove making big decisions. Decisions that mean changes for my kids, those are the worst. I worry so much and am always scared of making the wrong decision and making things harder for them. I hate it, I HATE it I tell you!! I don't have any idea how people live without prayer and trust that the Lord will answer you. I know He will and I still stress out because I am always worried I will make a mistake. Later I can see how the Lord guides me and loves me. It's just the getting to later part that is hard.

My first goal is to work on having a brighter outlook on the year 2012. That way all of my goal making will reflect a brighter outlook, right?

I feel like I am starting from the bottom. From the bottom of everything, my heart, my relationships, it hurts when relationships change or when you find out who really cares when you are at the bottom with heartache. I have to start small with things like seeing the future without sadness. And you know what, I don't care what other people think I should be feeling, I am sad right now and I have a right to be. I have a right to be quiet or to be alone without being criticized for it. And that's all I have to say about that mystery subject.

I don't understand and never will even begin to understand why these last couple of years had to happen. All I know is that I need to get back what I have lost in the process and come out of it a better person who chooses to let it draw me closer to the Savior. A very special person reminds me often to "Stay in today because that is the only way to have the spirit with you". I admit I struggle with that, not looking into the future and being terrified of how in the world I am going to be and accomplish and provide all that is required of me, for my children. One more thing to go on my list after I conquer the first step to my list. Actually that has been on the list for a long time.

The most important thing I have learned this year and continue to learn forever is to follow the spirit. Even when you are so lost you don't remember which way is up and you think you cannot go a step further. Follow the spirit and Pray. Cry if you have to, I started and never stopped. The Lord is always waiting to take you back.

So...Bring it on....I think.