Moving back to Arizona was the hardest thing I have ever done. I know I said moving to Reno was, but I came to love it there and I did not move back to my old life in Arizona. I came here knowing nothing in life would ever be the same.
It is all still just like coming out of a fog. How did this happen and how did I possibly manage to get here. I am blessed to feel clarity in my decisions, but that doesn't make them any less painful.
It is not easy to look forward alone. And to try and unravel a life that you spent trying to weave together with someone else is painful. Just changing my address made me sad.
I feel my spirit, my mind, and even my body trying to grieve. Because you do grieve, I have lost someone I love and our family is torn apart. I feel the loss of all the years that were lost and all the years we should have had together. I feel the terrible burden of failure, there is so much heartache and disappointment in what I cannot give my children. It seems like in divorce the demands of life don't allow you to grieve. People don't allow you to grieve. Some people think, well you chose this, I'm sure it will be fine now move on. I think, can they really be that insensitive to heartache? Have they ever lost someone they really loved? Have they ever watched their children cry? I know it is something you just can't understand unless you've been there. But it makes me extra grateful for those who do understand, the people he sets in my path that make me feel not so alone. I truly feel one of the most important things in this life is genuine kindness. I know I am so grateful to know people who are kind.
I am trying to come out of a funk, but life is overwhelming sometimes. I am ok if I am sad for as long as I feel sad. I don't go around sulking, four children do not allow you to do that. I have to make them smile and feel loved to try and counter act all the patience that I do not have and all the huge changes in their life right now. It is interesting to see how differently each one of them are dealing with their emotions. I know there is no way around it we have to go through it and feel our feelings and deal with them. I feel like my job is to help them do that and to teach them the purpose of our trials is to bring us to our Savior. There is nothing I can do to take their pain away, I would do it, only the Savior can truly understand. And He is the only one who can truly comfort your heart and give peace. It is heart wrenching to see your children hurt and not be able to take it away. That's when I am really grateful to know that our Father in Heaven loves us, He won't leave us alone, and He will give my children what I can't. And that He will prompt me to know what I can do to help them.
It gives me only a tiny glimpse of how our Father in Heaven and our Savior must feel when we suffer. And how much they truly love us. And how desperately they must want to comfort us and for us to come home to them. I love this line in a song that says that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home, my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
I feel lucky that I have the knowledge of the gospel to be able to teach my children and myself exactly what to do and where to turn to have my spirit filled with comfort and peace instead of wandering through this life searching for something to fill the whole that only our Savior can fill.
