Friday Letters

I still miss the parks in Reno, see the temple up there.

Dear Children, I wish I could protect you from every sadness and hurt in your lives. I don't ever want to be the cause of your pain it crushes my heart. Dear Hazel, you have a bruise right in the middle of your forehead. You walked right into a metal pole and it knocked you down. You said "it was right in front of my face and i didn't even see it". Poor thing. Dear Sis, thanks for helping me clean so I didn't feel so stressed about going to the broadcast. Dear Dad, thanks for watching my kids so I could go to the broadcast and out to eat, you even fed them dinner or should we say directed them on how to make their own. They were only a little naughty, good thing I said you couldn't spank them. smile. Dear Relief Society Broadcast, I didn't want to go, but I'm so glad I did. The last speaker was just what I needed to hear and it went right to my spirit. Elder Uchtdorf is one of my favorite speakers. Forget-me-not flowers have a whole new meaning. I need to get me some now. What a meaningful reminder of how much the Lord loves us. Since moving to Az. I have had three strangers/new aquaintences tell me that the Lord has not forgotten me, so I loved this talk. Dear Melatonin, it was late, past bed time, I thought it would be fine...It wasn't. After two hours of nonsense and my goal of never yelling went down the tubes I handed you out like candy(not really, only one, at the correct dose). I'm not sure we could live without you right now. I'm sure the kids wouldn't be sleeping without you that is for sure. If only you had the same affect on me. Dear Scorpion, you make me feel very unsafe. Dear Nephew E, you did awesome singing a solo in your school choir. I'm glad some one got some pipes. Dear Avary, you made me laugh when you asked me to read a note from your teacher that said "thanks for doing extra work" you said "oh, I thought it said I'm glad you don't have diarrhea" and then walked away. Dear Pintrest, you sucker you. That's just what you do. You suck people in with your beautiful pictures and you can never get out. Dear Parent Teacher Conference, I feel lucky that my children got teachers this year who seem to care about not only their learning but their feelings and happiness too. They seem like loving people. I love teachers like that. I'm crossing my fingers the speech teacher will be that way too. Dear Hailey, we started our classes this week. My parenting through divorce and your split peas. You said you loved it and want to go back, mine made me feel sad but thankful for knowledge and guidance. Dear Self, I need to remember to be patient with myself so I can be patient with others. Patience with myself isn't as easy as it sounds.

Scorpion!

(look at it just waiting to attack me)

you heard me right, scorpion! A baby scorpion, the orangy tan ones, the more poisonous ones! I found it in MY bathroom, upstairs! I almost stepped on it getting out of the shower! I did kill it with Hazels shoe(don't tell her)all by myself and flushed it down the toilet mostly because I knew I would never live it down if I went and got my mom in a towel at 11pm. I will never feel the same about my bathroom again! And it is very unnerving to know that it was prowling about so late at night. And that my bed is against the wall. And that there is stuff all over the ground it can hide under. And how the heck did it get in there in the first place. My bathroom is upstairs in the middle of the house with no windows. Scary right. The big down side to having fruit trees in the yard, and in my own opinion, irrigation in a neighborhood full of fruit trees. I don't like them!!!!!!!!

Plus remember when my little Avary got stung on her finger when she was a baby and I had to take her to the hospital because she was vomiting and screaming and thrashing around and her eyeballs were doing crazy things. You probably didn't know that cause I probably never told you. It was scary. Did you know they have an anti venom? It's made from horses and there are only side effects if you are allergic to horses. I bet you didn't know that.

I might have a disorder or something. I freak out a little inside when I see bugs inside. I really really don't like bugs. It's not funny either. I still remember when my brother put a moth on me in the cabin at the ranch. First I screamed then I cried...I was a teenager...Yeah. I still duck and run at the ward camp out every year, there is a ginormous moth thats whole purpose in life is to attack me. My sis says it is a new one each year, but I think it is the same one. I think it all stems from living in Houston, Texas when I was little. There were huge flying cockroaches there, enough said. I will give my self credit on my cricket problem though, I have come a looong way in that phobia.

feeling

Moving back to Arizona was the hardest thing I have ever done. I know I said moving to Reno was, but I came to love it there and I did not move back to my old life in Arizona. I came here knowing nothing in life would ever be the same.

It is all still just like coming out of a fog. How did this happen and how did I possibly manage to get here. I am blessed to feel clarity in my decisions, but that doesn't make them any less painful.

It is not easy to look forward alone. And to try and unravel a life that you spent trying to weave together with someone else is painful. Just changing my address made me sad.

I feel my spirit, my mind, and even my body trying to grieve. Because you do grieve, I have lost someone I love and our family is torn apart. I feel the loss of all the years that were lost and all the years we should have had together. I feel the terrible burden of failure, there is so much heartache and disappointment in what I cannot give my children. It seems like in divorce the demands of life don't allow you to grieve. People don't allow you to grieve. Some people think, well you chose this, I'm sure it will be fine now move on. I think, can they really be that insensitive to heartache? Have they ever lost someone they really loved? Have they ever watched their children cry? I know it is something you just can't understand unless you've been there. But it makes me extra grateful for those who do understand, the people he sets in my path that make me feel not so alone. I truly feel one of the most important things in this life is genuine kindness. I know I am so grateful to know people who are kind.

I am trying to come out of a funk, but life is overwhelming sometimes. I am ok if I am sad for as long as I feel sad. I don't go around sulking, four children do not allow you to do that. I have to make them smile and feel loved to try and counter act all the patience that I do not have and all the huge changes in their life right now. It is interesting to see how differently each one of them are dealing with their emotions. I know there is no way around it we have to go through it and feel our feelings and deal with them. I feel like my job is to help them do that and to teach them the purpose of our trials is to bring us to our Savior. There is nothing I can do to take their pain away, I would do it, only the Savior can truly understand. And He is the only one who can truly comfort your heart and give peace. It is heart wrenching to see your children hurt and not be able to take it away. That's when I am really grateful to know that our Father in Heaven loves us, He won't leave us alone, and He will give my children what I can't. And that He will prompt me to know what I can do to help them.

It gives me only a tiny glimpse of how our Father in Heaven and our Savior must feel when we suffer. And how much they truly love us. And how desperately they must want to comfort us and for us to come home to them. I love this line in a song that says that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home, my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

I feel lucky that I have the knowledge of the gospel to be able to teach my children and myself exactly what to do and where to turn to have my spirit filled with comfort and peace instead of wandering through this life searching for something to fill the whole that only our Savior can fill.

Friday Letters

Can you tell it was hot and he was literally rolling around in the mud.

Dear Children, It's been a long busy week. Each one of you took your turn being crazy and silly and made me laugh. Especially the little girls, you went nuts, but all we could do is sit around and laugh at your silliness. And today is a half day at school. Heaven help us. Dear Bad Day, you were a whopper. Steam cleaning TWO seats in the car during the hottest part of the day because of TWO anonymous children wetting their pants right there on the seat. I had been in the car for hours running errands and had allowed bathroom stops. After running over my toes with the Vac thing (OUCH) and feeling confident there would be no traces of pee anywhere I decided to mop the house. That's a sweaty job too, so why not. I would not suggest letting 6 kids eat snow cones from school before running errands. Dear Church, sometimes you just take it out of me, but I want to say I came home with a little more than just a headache. And if I didn't then at least my kids did. Dear Kade, after you took 10 deep breaths and turned bright red you slowly came back to a human color and gave a nice little talk in primary. You lost a tooth and acquired a goose egg on your forehead. Then later this week you earned your Bobcat in scouts. After (picking your seat) and dropping the pin and forgetting what you learned, I still was a proud momma. You really don't like to be the center of attention, you got that from me I would rather be hidden in the crowd. So, I don't know how much of a comfort it was being up there together. Dear Life, you are just too busy and I can't keep up. A lot of things are being left by the wayside. Most of them will be there when I can take a deep breath and if not then I will try and pretend they weren't important. Dear Hazel, you have been prevacid free for one week now. Lets all hope this lasts. Dear Marilyn, I am so thankful for you. I am sure I must frustrate you sometimes, but you are dear to my heart and an angel here on earth to so many. Dear Self, most of the time I dread tomorrow, but tomorrow is a chance to do and be better than today. It would be a whole lot better if I could sleep.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, we have been reading books about feelings lately. It has helped you all put words to your feelings about different situations. I love that there are books for children cause sometimes I just don't know what to say. Dear 9/11, every year I think of all those who have lost loved ones. And I think of my Brother and his family and am grateful that he was protected that day. I love you Brother. I am grateful for all the sacrifices made by so many for our freedom. I am lucky to have an 8yr old who is constantly bringing up the subject of freedom, he insists that kids aren't free. Dear Miners, It was fun to get to see you. My kids will not accept that your kids are not their cousins. After all they have known each other their whole lives. And it feels like we have been friends forever. Dear Over Cast, thank heavens for you and the rain. I could look out the window and pretend there was a chill in the air. Dear Laundry, wow, you follow me where ever I go. Dear Cockroach, walking into a dark room and turning on the light completely unaware only to find you there, huge, with your antennae things waiting to attack me if I made one. wrong. move. pretty much gave me a heart attack. I ran and got my little sis. She said no way. So I am not ashamed to say I ran to my parents room. My Dad was asleep, but my life saving mom was awake, riding her bike of all things. She said "oh honestly" but she came and killed the evil thing and saved my life. I really needed to get to the laundry room. Did I mention it was midnight. I am really glad I live upstairs cause they can't live up there you know. You know that annoying person standing on a chair screaming, yeah, that's me. Dear Friends, It's hard for me to feel like I deserve such good friends. You are a blessing in my life. Dear Sleep, I dream of you when I am lying there awake. And when my body is breaking down. Can I put an order in for eight full hours? Five? I'll take even four uninterrupted hours. Please. I might even take it with a bad dream. Maybe. Cause the next day feels like one anyway. Dear Marilyn, I love that when I come to see you the spirit is always in the room. I love you for that. Dear Self, I feel like a mess and making myself face my feelings has been really hard. There is no time to sit and cry all day. But I feel like I have made progress, just a little, this week. I am so aware of so many ways the Lord blesses me every day. I am grateful.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, I love that every day when I am standing out in the heat sweating my guts out waiting for you, as soon as you see me you run to me and give me a big hug in front of all the other kids. Worth every drop of sweat. Dear Protruding Discs, there's nothing like waking up to a debilitating pain in your neck and head, needing to pee for like four hours and not being able to get up. (yes, I held it)And trying to make the kids take care of me while locked in our rooms until 4pm. My sweet little babes did their best. It took lots of motrin, excedrin, hot packs on my face, cold packs on my neck and laying in bed in agony all day before I could even sit up. Not knowing when or where you are going to strike is very unnerving to me. Dear Kidney Stones, really bad week for you to check in. Seriously. Dear B&D, thanks for having us over on Labor Day, for not kicking us out when the kids got a little crazy, for feeding us, spending your time on some of my problems, treating us to a nice swim, being so kind and loving to my children, and secretly filling my gas tank(which was empty)apparently you know nothing about that. But I do. I'm sure we wore you out, but I love you for still loving me. How do you repay that? Dear Avary, you were so brave at the dentist during a root canal and crowns for your broken tooth even though you were very scared. You were zonked out and sad and in pain all day. I wanted to cry for you, it breaks my heart to see you hurting. You said "sometimes I drink fast and sometimes I drink slow" and then cried because you were so concerned about it. I can't wait until you are happy again. Dear Kade, I realized that you really do love me unconditionally when I was singing to you at bedtime and you said "mom, you have a beautiful singing voice and anyone who says you don't is just mean" Haha. I hope you never take off your love goggles for me. You were also very brave at the dentist, especially since you have a stuffy nose. And you lost a tooth this week, maybe tonight the tooth fairy will remember to come. Dear Toilet, sometimes the handle sticks. Mix that with little kids can equal disaster. Disaster means it overflowed. I almost gave up on life right then and there it was such a hard day. But now we know the new flooring is watertight. Dear Family Resource center, who even knew you existed? I found all sorts of little bits of knowledge on how to help my kids through this tough time. Dear Briana, I am thinking of you and your family today on your birthday. I love you. Dear Sleep, I really need you. Dear Self, some days or weeks are really hard, like this one. I feel like stress is making my body self destruct and I am so sad. But when I am saying my prayers, through my pleas, I recognize and feel how truly blessed I am. And I am so grateful.

Friday Letters

this is what I am thinking about when I am dying of heat exhaustion, i miss this.



Dear Children, do you really need to wake up at 6am every day? I think it makes you cranky by early afternoon. Dear Az. Heat, you make everyone cranky. I really have had enough of this heat. I can't wait for the cooler days to come, maybe by Christmas. Dear Barrows, oh how I've missed you. Dear 3yr Old, you are officially a monkey that is attached to me. I should put you in sports because you are quick and sly and I can never get past you. Dear Orchestra, I was relieved when we decided to let you go. Especially since there were only two times Hailey practiced and no times without complaining the whole time. The down side, she could have been really good at it if she wanted to. Dear Sleep, I need you. Why won't my brain turn off until 3 or 4 in the morning. I envy those who can close their eyes and be out in minutes. Dear Briana, you have now made your way into 3 of my dreams lately. I noticed you have made your way into others dreams also. Maybe because your birthday is coming up. And my little Avary was talking about you this week. I think of you all the time and wish you were still living on this earth. Dear Music, you can always go straight to my heart. It's amazing how music can express exactly what you feel sometimes. Dear Sis, thanks for helping me and watching one or more of my children at random times for all the weird appointments we've had. Dear Teen Mom, I think every teenager should be made to watch you. Having kids is no walk in the park. Dear Camera, I miss you. Life is not the same using a phone camera. It's ok in sunlight, but not so great any other time. Dear Self, I have such a long road ahead of me, it's hard not to be depressed and overwhelmed. I am having faith that someday I won't wake up with heartache.