Cookie Alarms

Kaden is so funny. When I went to tuck him in he says " mom I went in the kitchen and I was going to get a cookie and I thought maybe you put them in the fridge so I looked in there and saw my bag of pretzels I put in there and that made me laugh HAHAHAHAHAHA! They weren't there so I decided to get a drink and I filled my cup all the way to the top so it spilled and then I saw that crinkley stuff you know that silver shiny crinkly stuff that you put over the cookies and use for an alarm so you will know who gets into them so I didn't get a cookie. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh you know what my favorite song is? Guess, it starts with a K. Guess HAHAHA Guess!(me thinking you must have gotten into something and not being able to think of a song that starts with a K I say I have no idea you will have to tell me) I can't tell you I don't know what it is HAHAHAHA! We could sing the ABC song but I think that one is just really slow.( Oh yeah I better go check the sugar) Sing me a song I've never heard (me totally drawing a blank we end up singing the ABC's and he races me to the end) As I walk out of the room HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm glad he went to bed happy. And now we all know that tin foil makes a great cookie alarm.

Who Am I ?

I feel like my castle has been stripped to the studs maybe even to the very foundation. Which when faced with this is a comfort to know that it can not be taken from me, it is mine and it is in the very depths of my heart.

I have been thinking of my life, who and what I am outwardly and inwardly. These two do not look as much alike as i wish they were for so many reasons. I want to change that. I have been searching my heart and my mind, I have lost so much of who I am trying to be what others wanted me to be. I want to become who the Lord thinks I am. When you have sources in your life always telling you or showing you that you don't matter or that you will never be enough it is so hard to think of yourself as the Lord does. I have a long way to go, but I have started by asking myself "who am i"? And "who do i want to be"?

Don't panic, this isn't the first time I have asked these questions. But sometimes things happen in life that change who you are. Sometimes parts of yourself get buried in sadness, disappointment, sorrow, depression the list can go on. You thought I was going to say snickers, twix, ice cream and fat didn't you. Anyway, I thought I might try and dig myself out a little at a time and find out who it is that I am. Who am I when I stand alone? Am I who I want to be? Not even close.

I am a mother, I have been a wife, I am a sister, a daughter, a friend.

simple thoughts that are boring to most everyone but me

In my scripture study I have been studying Lehi's dream. You can go into great depths about it, but it has touched me in a very simple way also. Holding to the iron rod on the path to the tree of life there are places where you are surrounded by mists of darkness. I can relate to this at the moment. I feel like I was walking with someone and then You feel blinded and you can't see and you can hear those people pointing and mocking and it does feel as if they hate you. You keep walking, but you don't know where you are going because now you are walking alone. sometimes it makes you feel lost, so full of sorrow and devastation. For a moment you can forget what you are holding on to because you can feel it swirling around you it's so dark you can't see. And then you remember that you never let go of that iron rod. You may feel alone, but you are not lost. It can be so hard because you want to go and find the one who let go. But all you can do is tighten your grip and keep walking until you can see again.
For me the pointing and mocking is more like indifference from people that I didn't necessarily have much of a relationship with, but it hurts all the same. It is so hurtful when someone can look at the surface and make assumptions about your life or about who they think you are. They say hurtful things and do hurtful things and they don't seem to care about your pain or the fact that they are adding to it. They don't seem to care about what is right or true and don't try to tell them because they don't want to know. They are going to believe what they want to.
This has been my experience. It's so strange how people that you knew didn't really like you to begin with can cause so much heartache when they make it clear that they still don't like you. I guess I thought they might have some compassion for me and my pain as a human being. I'm sure this seems silly to you, but this has changed me, it has changed who I am.
If I have ever made anyone feel this way I am very sorry. You have to judge right from wrong for your life and family. But I have realized it is nearly impossible to judge someone elses life or situation, you can never know what is truly beneath the surface of what you see, people don't usually share the humiliating details or their deepest heartaches of how they have been hurt. I can guarantee that no ones life is as simple as what you see. And you never know how much more sadness you can cause by being unkind or gossiping or by just not caring when you see someone who is hurting. Sometimes it's so hard to see past your own pain.
How does this have anything to do with Lehi's dream? You are wondering I'm sure. But when I asked myself what are my mists of darkness full of right now and how can I withstand them and make it through them this was a part of them. What?! Just a part?! You didn't think I was going to spill all the details that would actually make any of my ramblings make any sense did you. Don't be silly!

Sweet Little voice

Today me and the kids knelt down for prayer together. Little Hazel, who is 20mo., ran over knelt down folded her arms, which she has always done, but this time she just started to say the prayer using all the same tones that we always do. It was so cute we all clapped for her, after amen. But it was also just what I needed, a sweet little voice praying to her Father in Heaven to remind me of what my purpose in this life is, to be a mother, to teach them and love them and show them how to make it back to their Heavenly Father. It's good to know someone is paying attention!