Friday Letters

Dear Children, the first part of your week you did so well, the end was just heartache. I'm so sorry. Dear Moving, we did it, with lots of help. But somehow it's never ending because now I have to unpack. And we tend to move every year. Hopefully that won't be happening unless it's to a way nicer place for the same price. Dear Dad, thank you so much for supporting me and helping me move and fix up the house and working like crazy for me and for calling to check up on me. I love You! Dear B, thank you too for sacrificing your day off to help me, it means a lot to me. You have such a good heart. Dear Neighbor, we didn't exactly meet in the best way. Me shuffling out of my bedroom in my jammies barely being able to stand up, my kids looking homeless. Thank you for bringing us dinner and offering to watch my kids ten minutes after meeting us. I am a little too protective for that but it was so thoughtful to offer. Dear Miners, you are the best friends a gal could have. Bringing us dinner, watching my kids, saving me when my battery died, this was no small task. Hopefully you won't regret suggesting I move down the street from you. Dear Back, I should have known you would be thrown out during the move. I hate being that helpless, not being able to force yourself to stand up straight is very irritating. Dear Bath Tub, I have been taking a hot bath every night I am in Mesa and enjoying every minute of it after ice showers. Dear Brother, it was great to see you and your kids, they grow so fast. You should visit more often. Dear Long Lost Cousins, it was fun to see you and talk with you. But I must say it isn't fair that none of you ever seem to age! Dear Peggy, I loved visiting with you. You are proof that people can truly love each other in this world. You are in my prayers. Dear Kade, you are now my 9yr old boy! You had a great birthday and a great party. I love you! Happy Birthday Little Man! Dear SunSplash, spending the day there was actually really fun. Dear Week, now that you are over we are headed back to our little roach shack, cold showers and no internet. We will see what surprises are awaiting us when we get home. Dear Ric, it's been four long months since you've seen the kids, they were so happy to be with you. Every single one of us cried ourselves to sleep when you left. Standing in the rain with our daughter crying as we watched you drive away is one of the worst feelings and memories ever. Dear Self, living in the depths of sorrow is not where I want to be and I refuse to raise my children that way. I have spent so much time hoping and wishing that something would change and our family could be together, that there would be a change of heart a desire to be with us. It is a waste of time because you can't make some one want something they don't want. I will make a happy life for us even if I do have to do it alone.

We lived

No pictures because I have no idea where the cord to the camera is.

Yes, we lived through our first night in the roach shack.

When we got there we found some dead roaches, and one ginormous, I'm talking HUGE roach in the toilet. I freaked out a little bit. My heart rate was probably in the 200's so outwardly I was controlling myself, but inward I was having a heart attack. But I did not cry which was a miracle. Not even the kids would flush it and no one would pee. Luckily Papa put a new toilet in for us, already planned, the kids were still scared to use it.

My Friend came and got the kids so we could work, she's a saint. We were dirty and dripping sweat trying to get this thing livable. I found a roach in the washer too, yuck.

By 5:30 the kids all wanted me to take them to the parade and play and fireworks for the 24th of July. I didn't want to go. at. all. My back was hurting and I looked like I rolled out of a dumpster. But, Papa said go so we went.

I have nothing to say about the parade. We sat on the curb to watch. Kade bought us some cold water to share. Then we walked to the field to find a spot to watch the play. I ran into two people I knew, who knew. We finally found our friends and went to sit with them since I didn't come prepared, I didn't even have my purse. Kade spent the last of his money on a huge piece of apple pie and ice cream and ate the whole thing. While walking through the field we all stepped in dog diarrhea, not just dog poop, it was dog diarrhea. Avary didn't have shoes on, Hailey got it all over her socks, mine actually, I made her throw them away. We have to ask for wipes. I am usually very prepared, but all I had was my phone and keys. So through the whole play it smelled like dog poo. And my back just kept getting worse. The fireworks were pretty good, but Kade and Hazel always have a melt down after fireworks, so I wasn't looking forward to that.

It was all I could do to walk to the car, I couldn't carry Hazel and she tripped and hit her face on the sidewalk and the melt downs were on. We had to go to the store to get at least some milk and cereal, we didn't have anything. It was 11:30 by this time, pushing a cart with crying kids and a hurt back. Not fun.

We get to the house and I am scared to go in in the dark. I try to turn the lights on but they are turned off by the string so I am trying to reach the string and scared of roaches flying at me and can't even stand up straight by this time. Me climbing on the table to turn the light on wincing in pain must have been quite a sight. Any one who has had a back injury can appreciate how hard this is.

Hailey had to bring everything in and put it away while I tried to shower the kids because we all smell like dog poo remember. The girls are screaming through the whole shower because guess what? I didn't get the gas turned on because it was a weekend. Gas= hot water. It was horrible. And showering in ice water with a hurt back is not recommended. And you have to stay in the water because if you get out and then try to go back some how it is ten times colder. And shaving your legs is a lost cause. I hate cold water, I got that from my dad.

I got to bed around 2:30am after getting up at 5:00am that morning. I left two lights on and Hazel slept in my bed and refused to sleep by the wall. But we slept and didn't die of bugs so it was a success.

Until the next morning.

Faith

Source: proclamationpictures.blogspot.com via Camille on Pinterest

Source: crushculdesac.tumblr.com via Camille on Pinterest

Friday Letters

I am really going to miss this, and I know my girls will to.

Dear Children, you have been going a little nuts with all of the changes around here. Are you ready for our first night in the roach shack? Dear Moving, you are so exhausting. I have really learned to hate moving. I pack and pack some more and it never seems to be done. Dear Cockroaches, you exist just to make my life miserable. After making a fool of myself while moving stuff in the shack I go to church the next morning sit down in class and there is a dead roach right in front of me. The next two hours were torture. Then the next night a live roach runs across the kitchen. I got  Nephew out of bed to kill it and ran to my room. Dear Prayer, I know the Lord hears me. When I feel so alone I pray and ask to not be so alone and the next couple of days I get calls, I think just to remind me that I am not all alone. Dear Gma Sutton, I still feel like you are my Grandma, you are the only Grandma I've had for so long. I hope you know that I am thinking of you every day and you are in my prayers. Heal quickly! Dear Babysitting, if that is what you would call it. I go to the nicest lady's house to help keep an eye out for my niece, but I had a teenage sidekick and my kids and the nice lady who let us swim in her awesome pool and fed us pizza and cookies and popcorn. Um sign me up anytime for that. Dear B&L, thanks for dinner and playing with my kids. Dear A, it was fun talking to you, even if we did give up most of our sleep for it. Dear Spray Paint, I don't know why I get furniture from goodwill and think, oh a fresh coat of pain and that will look great! I do not have time to paint furniture and it is really really hot outside. I ended up with a nice result on one piece, but then it got dark and there was no way I was going to do it again the next day. I painted the chair in the dark and while I was at it I had painted myself black. My feet were stuck to my flips. I had to scrub paint off for like an hour. And the chair looks kind of crappy. Dear Marilyn, I am sad to be moving and not be able to come to you for advice. You have helped me so much, you are so patient with me, you make me a better person. Thank You so much, I love you! I hope you only get happy emails from me. Dear Sister, we have spent so much time together and you have been so supportive of me. And our girls are such good friends. It makes it hard to leave. Dear To Do List, you are never ending and it seems like all the important things never seem to get done. Dear Self, I can do hard things AND I am not alone even when it feels like I am.

Birchbox

 I like Birchbox. It comes once a month for ten bucks.

 It's like getting a present. Oh, wait that's because it really is a present. And it's always a surprise.

You never know what's gonna be in there, all kinds of different samples. And I like that you can cancel any time, like when you don't have ten dollars. Ha. This is my last one. 

Home Sweet.....

 This is going to be our new home, isn't she a beaut!

 8oo sq feet of.......

 No bathtub

Hmm......It's our adobe roach shack. And the only thing I could afford.

I worked like crazy to get most of our stuff ready to load and be moved. I am covered in more bruises than I can count from head to toe. We loaded up, it rained all night and we left early morning. When I took the kids in the shack they said it smelled like pee, which it did, and said they were scared to sleep there....So am I.

I soaked the floor in vinegar to try and get rid of the smell. And then some of the men in the ward showed up to help us unload, I didn't call them either. They fixed the sink and sprayed the poison that I brought, I went into debt to buy it, I told them to bathe the house in it.

Hazel got car sick on the way up and was feeling sick the whole day, she made me hold her literally the entire day while trying to move in and fix things, my arm is still killing me. It made things a little tricky for me. So it was really nice when one of the families brought us pizza for lunch. These people were so nice.

I warned them that I have an irrational fear of roaches and that I react before I can think. It's the fight or flight thing and in the case of me and a roach...the roach would win. I scream and run, I apologized in advance in case we saw any. 

While there are people walking through the house in the middle of the day putting stuff down I saw 4 roaches running around, crawling under the bags. I freaked. It was so embarrassing and it made me wish there were not people from church there, they must think I am crazy. It was a miracle I didn't cry. My Dad wouldn't tell me how many he saw out side.

I am seriously so scared. This is one of my biggest fears ever. roaches. I am scared they are going to attack me or get in my bed, crawl on me.

My Dad, me and a family friend B spent the whole day trying to at least plug some of the openings in the house to get it to be live-able. We were completely soaked with sweat and the boys were smart and brought an extra shirt because they looked like they had jumped in a pool. No Air conditioning. It was so hot and miserable. But I was so grateful for them, that they would do that for me. It wasn't just moving it was really gross dirty moving in.

We are supposed to sleep there next week and there is still so much to do.

Believe me it is a shack. But you just wait and see, I am going to turn this place into a home. I can't promise there won't be heart attacks and lots of tears, but it will be a home. One that I thank the Lord for every day!

Funnyness

Hazel eating half a piece of a war head gum.

This made me laugh so hard, she is so hilarious.

Her different faces crack me up.

She has many. Smile.

Friday Letters

                       I always look like this at the fireworks with a headache trying not to puke.


Dear Children, we have spent so many hours driving int he car the last couple of weeks and you have all been so good. I can't wait until we can settle down. Dear Ranch, I soaked you up. The sounds, the smells, the beauty. The kids loved running free and rolling in the dirt and being surrounded by doggies. It was so peaceful there, especially when sitting listening to the breeze through the trees and the sky full of clouds. I love the Ranch. Dear Niece M, you are the most awesome niece that ever lived. You are so thoughtful and so helpful it was so much less stressful with you there, my kids love you and they can tell you love them. And your sensory skills saved us from never ending screaming. I am sorry you spent so much time car sick and puking, at least the ride home was better. Dear Dad, for years you have been telling everyone how to cure motion sickness. You finally bought a 9v battery to prove yourself to experiment on niece M. Who knew touching a 9v battery to your tongue cures motion sickness. My life may be changed forever. Dear Heber Fireworks, as always I had a huge headache and was nauseous. But thanks to M helping with the kids and my Mom rubbing my neck forever I felt better and it ended up being the best trip so far, I wasn't as worried about losing my kids. If you don't count the major sensory meltdown on the way back to the ranch and the puking from car sickness after driving on the wrong dirt roads in the pitch black night. It was nice to sit and relax with the kids and watch the fireworks. Dear Sister, thank you for taking my kids so I can pack, you know how I hate it and put it off as long as possible. Dear Bug House, you will soon be own home and you smell even after cleaning for hours. Dear Brittany, you are the best kind of friend. You came with me to the bug house and helped me clean for hours, dripping sweat. And you are pregnant! And you cleaned the fridge after I found a roach in it and cleaned the toilet for me and didn't even mock me when I screamed and ran away gagging from every dead roach I saw and then you even got them and threw them away for me. Who does that? Only a real friend does things like that. I love you! Dear Hailey, it was so great to spend time with you driving to Thatcher. We had such a good talk. You are growing so fast and I am so proud of who you are becoming. You told me not to call the house the bug house anymore because it creeps you out, you wanted to call it the adobe house because it it an adobe shack. Fair enough, I will always be thinking bug house though. Dear Self, I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards and I am surprised at how much my heart can still hurt when caught off guard and how many tears I still cry. But It makes me so grateful to know my Father in Heaven and to know that He knows me.

Ranch

Everyone follows Papa everywhere.

 So Beautiful. Even though half the trees out there burned in the fire years ago.

 This view is burned in my mind from childhood.

 My girl is still strong

Everyone loves Papa. Especially me.

The Ranch

 This road is filled with so many memories. I remember being so excited once we hit the dirt road. My dad would let us get out and ride on the bumper. Crazy!

Avary was obviously in heaven with all of the animals. I think they said there was something like 14 dogs. They were all well behaved. And left my girl covered in dog hair.

 She carried this little guy everywhere.

 Yes, those are what you think they are llamas.

Adorable puppy.

Horses and cows. This was only the first 30 minutes.

You will be seeing more of the Ranch.

Funny Little Man

A conversation I had with Kade.

K- I love that you made me eggs and toast for dinner.
M- Cause I am the best mom ever.
K- Yeah you are I really love you, there are so many things I love about you mom.
M- Oh yeah! Like what?
K- I love that you love us and take care of us and you make good food and I know that you love Dad  and that you take me to church even when I don't want to go because you know that I will really end        up loving it and you want me to go on a mission and so many more things mom.
M- I wonder where you will go on your mission, it will be exciting, I think you are going to speak a different language.
K- I don't want to be away from you for two years mom, I will miss you.
M- I will miss you more, but it will be so exciting because there are people there waiting for you.
K- I hope it's not China.
M- Why?
K- Well, I don't think I will like Sushi. I don't think I will like speaking Chinese. And the worst part is they don't have pizza, I can't live without some hot fresh pizza. But the good thing is maybe I could get a whole lot of Panda Express!
M- I don't think they have Panda Express there.
K- What!...What if they want me to go on two missions?! Maybe I can do another mission in Arizona. Or Maybe Kansas then I could just visit Grandma and Grandpa unless they are dead, will they be dead?
M- I don't think so, they aren't that old.
K- Don't you die when your hair turns white?
M-Ha, no. Some people have white hair half of their life.
K-I think Grandpa Flake is going to live like 50 more years, I'm sure.
M- Well, he thinks so, I hope so.
K- Mom, we aren't afraid of the same things, like if an alien came that was green and had eight arms and like five eyes that doesn't scare me. It would probably scare you. And like war scares you and I am going to be in wars when I am older. I might die there.
M-You are not going to die in war Kade!
K- It's hard for boys to be nice because they have a certain math system and it's really easy to get past it and mine is only this big and so I just get mad.
K- Can I have ice cream?

Driving

                                         still pretty even through a dirty window

I've been having to drive to Thatcher a lot lately. I went up to get Hazel on a wait list for preschool and while I was there looked at a house for rent.
On the way home I was praying asking the Lord to help me to know what was best for us and to guide me to know where to live. I already had an apartment set up to move into at the end of July, but it would have been nice to have a back yard.
I get home and find a letter from the landlord saying he changed his mind and he doesn't want five people in a two bedroom....This is where I have a heart attack. This is not what I meant in my prayer.
I called him and he said he let a single mom with kids live there and they damaged the apartment so he's not going to let anyone else move in with that many kids. I was upset because he already told me when I could move in and asked him to call all of my past landlords or take a bigger deposit, he just said he knew it was very unfair of him but he didn't want to risk it.
So, I call on the house. Same thing they don't want four kids and me in a two bedroom. Even though that house was big.
I called people in my ward who have family there, had my mom contact my distant aunt, talked to my friend who lives there and prayed and fasted, got a blessing and tried to just have faith. But that is all I dreamed about in my sleep.
The one thing I was confident about is that we are supposed to move there and I felt like I was already jumping off a cliff, I couldn't understand what in the world the Lord was wanting me to learn, I thought I already was having huge amounts of faith and testing. Yeah you could say I was overly stressed out.
Luckily I have an awesome friend who found a little old run down house off the highway. I drove back up with my kids and went to check it out. It is....small...and really old. 800 sq feet, no bathtub, a window unit, no dishwasher, tiny scary bathroom, the washer and dryer and in the back yard..yeah, not on the back porch, there is no back porch they are just in the back yard and it only has hot water hooked up to it. There was a goose in the backyard too. Yep I said a goose. Oh, and the best part it had just been bug bombed!
It has scorpions and roaches. The landlords were honest when I asked them 500 questions about the size , how many, what did they look like, he had seen five to seven dead ones that morning.
If you know even the tiniest bit about me you would know how much I am afraid of bugs, especially scorpions and... roaches.
I took the bug house, gave them a deposit before I left.
We drove by and I said "look kids that is where we are going to live" them "where"? me "right there" them "the one without a roof"? me "yep aren't you excited"! them "......." Avary says "mom what were you thinking"?
This is what happens when you are desperate you abandon all of your morals about bugs and agree to live in terror. But, beggars can't be choosers.
You better believe every prayer we say is thanking the Lord we have somewhere to live and I mean it.
I've had bad dreams about roaches every night.
And the adventures begin.....

Friday Letters

Dear Children, you are good kids. Dear Friday, I was up for two hours before I realized it was Friday. Dear Dr. Visit, I took all four of you for a well check at the same time, luckily we have been with Dr. L since Hailey was 1yr old and she knows us well. Poor Hailey got two shots. I love that she took time to talk to my kids about choosing good friends. Dear Cami, I wish you were my personal adviser on how to raise my kids. You have helped us so much. Dear 4th of July, you were good. It was nice to wake up to rain. Looking forward to getting to celebrate you twice. Dear Backyard Roast, the kids kept roasting me marshmallows. A couple is plenty and the kids kept saying but I made this one just for you. They are kind of like donuts, one a year is good. It was 100 and something out and Aunt Ranell made a fire and Hazel is wearing super hot jammies and I got eaten by mosquitoes. I feel pretty confident we were the only ones in Mesa roasting marshmallows. Dear Thatcher, I took the kids and they were great even spending six hours in the car. It helped they got to play with their friends and go swimming while we were there. Hopefully they still love it as much when we move into the bug house.  Dear Sleep, every time I lay down I feel like I can't breath and am up half the night sounding like I am fake coughing. The Dr. gave me five days of Prednisone, but I am afraid to take it. I would like to sleep for a week straight, nothing new. Dear Computer, I would like to know why I can't get the text to be black? I want it to be black. Dear Life, you are always full of surprises. And you are never boring. Dear Self, I am doing the best I can even though some days that feels like not nearly enough. Facing your fears isn't as rewarding as every one says.

Little Man

This is how Kade dressed when it is 110* out and humid. He has a shirt under there too. And don't forget the gun in his pocket. Should I be worried my 8yr old is wearing a baseball cap, a hoodie and a gun all night? Ha. I wonder what his plans were? Boys.

4th of July 2012

We are celebrating again this weekend, so I didn't make too many plans for the 4th.
This is how it went.

Kade had an appointment
The kids went swimming and had a bbq with the family
I looked in the mirror and decided to take myself to the Dr.
Went to the grocery store
We went to another bbq at our neighbors house
Returned a different neighbors dog that got out, they weren't home, by lowering it over their fence
Tripped over a pole that was sticking out of the ground
Hazel got bit by ants and screamed and made me hold her the rest of the night
I got eaten by mosquitoes
Sat in the parking lot and got to watch all of the fireworks the neighbor (B) set off with all the kids
Lit 120 sparklers
Had to carry Avary home on my back because she literally could not walk or bend her knees while dragging a screaming Hazel along
Gave all the kids two scoops of ice cream
Bathed all the kids and got them to bed
Spend the late night returning emails and trying to make a budget magically work
Wish I could sleep for a weeek

Source: flickr.com via Camille on Pinterest