Free At Last

After the x-rays and the Dr. told Avary she was going to be set free she went a little crazy with giggles. She walked around on her wobbly legs smiling and laughing.
She told the Dr. "my mind is going crazy right now". Ha
He told her "now if you don't make your bed every day then your mom gets to put this boot back on, and your mom gets to pick one extra chore for you every day and if you don't do it she gets to put the other one back on" Ha now that is a consequence I hadn't thought of. He looked at her and then me and said "I have a feeling you should probably hang on to these".

Once we got in the car she just laughed and screamed and giggled the whole way home saying "this is the best day ever"! She walked back and forth all over the house. By bedtime her ankles and heels were really hurting, I think she over did it a little. But you should have heard her when she climbed into bed, she was laughing her head off with excitement to go to sleep with free legs, she's never been so excited to go to bed. I bet Hazel was probably a little relived too after sleeping next to her.

Our next hurdle, she's not allowed to go with bare feet. Shoes with extra padding in the heels for the next 6 months. Oh Boy.

Heels...Heal...

Today we are going to get x-rays taken of Avary's heels to see if they are healed.
That has always felt funny to say "if you want your heels to heal then...." so I started saying "get better" instead. Or "if you want these things off".
I was told that your heels are one of the hardest bones to break in your body. Only my kid.
Pray that they are healed so Avary can feel happy again. She has been so tough the whole time, a little too tough if you ask me. It might be a miracle if they can heal even when you cut her activity in half. When she gets these off she is going to feel like she can fly.

A Flower

Kade picked one of Grandmas flowers...she doesn't really like the kids to pick her flowers.

But he brought it in and put it in my hair and said he loved me, so...he only got a half hearted warning.

Oh, what would I do with out my sweet boy.

 

Friday Letters

                                                    Layton is somewhere in there

Dear Children, this is your last day of school and your last day at this school. I am sorry for moving you around so much this has been a great school. Dear Dad, I talk to you more now than ever and you listen to me. I love being able to see you everyday. You have been so kind and thoughtful towards me and my children. I treasure our relationship. Thank you for loving me. Dear Bird, out side my window. I don't know what you are thinking trying to be nocturnal, but you have been singing at the top of your lungs ALL night long EVERY night for weeks now. It really has become a problem for me. Dear Sadness, you still manage to creep in on me. I hate crushing feelings. I want to be happy. Dear Back/Knee, I am thinking that my knee and my back going out might have something to do with having to carry Avary down the stairs MANY times a day and to and from church on my back. Hopefully only a week and a half left of these casts. Dear Hottness, I believe it has only just begun. Hazel told me that her flip flops were melted when we took Avary to school. That long gravel drive way can be a killer. Dear Avary, you won so many awards at your kindergarten graduation, it was so cute. I bet you are the only kid to ever be the only one to win the Presidential Physical Fitness Award in two casts! You amaze me. Dear Layton, my second nephew to graduate high school. I am super proud of you. That doesn't make me old does it? Dear Thursday, you were one of the longest days. Four of those hours were spent at the kids school. Dear Hailey, I had to laugh when we drove by a cemetery/graveyard and Hazel asked what it was and I said that's were they bury people who die. And you said "oh...now I get why they are always talking about going to cemetery in church" Ha. ??? Then there was me explaining what seminary is and making sure she understood it is not spent in the grave yard. You said"oh I wondered how you were supposed to graduate". No, lets not graduate to the cemetery just yet. Dear Last Day Of School, I feel like the year just flew by and a part of me is sad. I wonder how long until all the arguing starts. Dear Self, go to bed earlier.

Love These...

 I Love getting these from Kade. I'm glad there are no spaceships or soldiers or aliens or dinosaurs or guns or fires after me. Just me and Kade on a hill with clouds and hearts. Although one of those clouds looks a little iffy.

And this left on my computer from Hailey.

We started reading from the beginning again as a family, I love that Hailey was interested enough to read past us. She said so far her favorite verse is 1 Nephi 1:12 "And it came to pass that as he read, he was filled with the spirit of the Lord." But when I looked inside her book she has most of it all highlighted. Smile.

Little Girls

Avary finally told Hazel that they can't sneak to SunSplash until she gets her casts off.

I have been trying to unpack their backpacks and every time Hazel freaks out. So I waited until they were asleep.

Apparently you need lots of nail polish and sunblock. Along with five pairs of clothes and every swimsuit they own. And Towels can't forget the towels.

The Grass

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Friday Letters

Dear Children, even though you were all stinkers on Mother's Day I am so blessed and feel very lucky to be your mother. You all have the most tender sweet spirits. There isn't anything else in this world I would rather be doing. Dear Family Fun, school night. There were hula dancers and fire dancers and just a little too close to inappropriate dancing for my little kids. But it was fun and interesting and I don't remember the last time I laughed, for real, like I did at Byron and Kaden dancing. Ha! Dear Kaden, you were chosen from the crowd along with a family friend Byron to learn how to dance with hula girls. You have some pretty big social anxiety going on already. If Byron hadn't been chosen you might have died. You did so good and I was so proud of you and of everyone chosen you had the best dancing skills! I still cannot believe that you did that in front of the whole school. You are awesome. Dear Mother's Day, Hazel gave a talk in primary, I had a huge headache all day, my back was out, and the kids argued most of the day. We had cereal for dinner. It's a good thing I already know that my kids love me. And they did give me little homemade art and poems and cards, the best kind of gift. Plus, a thoughtful neighbor left a dozen roses each, on the table for me and my sisters while we were at church knowing we probably would not be pampered. Thank you Mr. BL for remembering us. Dear Dance Recital, Hailey as usual did awesome. Avary and even my shy little Hazel knew all the words and dance moves,  it was the cutest thing ever. I loved it! Dear Hailey, you Rocked at the talent show! My girl can Shimmy all right! Dear Avary, you were about to cry when the Dr. said you have to keep your casts on for two more weeks and that you have to take only babysteps when walking and rest with your feet up more. You figured out pretty quickly how to try make me break the rules, when I asked you to get in the car and you didn't want to go you said "you said to only take babysteps" and then you walked to the car inching along, literally, it took you ten minutes to get from the door to the car. But, you didn't break me down, I actually thought it was funny, so ha. I do feel so bad for you though it is so hot and uncomfortable for you. Dear School, there is only 4 1/2 days of school left. Aaaahhhh where has the year gone? My kids are growing up too fast! Dear A, it was nice meeting up with you and chatting, we will have to do it again sometime. I might have happier things to talk about. Dear Mom&Dad, I am glad you decided to come home. And I am glad that you had such a good time. Hopefully you will be able to stand us for a little longer now. smile. Dear Lori, you have been such a good friend to me, I am so grateful for you. I believe I prayed you to me to help me through such a difficult year. You are so patient when I talk your ears off. Dear Meeting, being reminded of all the years of desperate heartache, of being broken and lost, but then at the same time reminded of my Saviors love and guidance and finding strength in who I am. It was a sad but nice reminder. Dear Self, remembering that the Lord does have a plan for me and that I can do hard things because they bring me closer to Him.

Do Good Anyway

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The Talent Show

So there was a talent show for school.

Hailey was supposed to be in a group of girls doing some made up cheer. Well, the leader of the group was mad at Hailey or something and took her name off on the day of auditions.
Yeah! Dumb girls!

I see Hailey when I take Avary to school so she tells me about it and asks if she can do her own and can I bring some music for her to the school in 2 hours so she can do a dance. I did not want to go track down the music and do all of this in two hours and stay for auditions after school with all the kids. Both little girls had ear infections and Avary had just gotten her casts.

But... I admit the Mamma Bear in me came out when I heard what they did and I was going to make sure that hers was way better than theirs! Yes, I know, very mature. Hailey is not like that at all and just defended them " maybe they were just having a bad day". Bad day my butt! When Hailey is in the wrong I put her in her place, I'm not wearing goggles. But don't mess with my girl when she is being nice to you!

 I did not share these thoughts with Hailey because of course we don't teach stuff like that, I just told her that she didn't need anyone else to do it with her because she is talented and it would be great. And then I called my neighbor, her dance teacher for help. Ha! And my Sister to do her hair. And my niece to do her makeup. I provided the outfit, a dress my grandma made me when I was little it has my name embroidered in it, and I helped her practice after I put the other kids to bed. She didn't need much because she loves to dance.

The other girls cheer was silly and they didn't even remember all the words. I was glad she didn't do it.

Hailey's was awesome! Eat that Humble Pie! My girl can Shimmy!

A Mom

My mom is the best mom in 
the world. My first reason is 
that she helps me when I am 
hurt. My second reason is when people
are being mean to me, she sees
them. My last reason is she will
always love me. This is why I think
my mom is the best.
Kade

Kade couldn't wait to give me his gift for Mother's Day, so he gave it to me early.
Sometimes being a Mom, a single Mom especially, is really really hard. It is so exhausting and someday's I fear that I will not be enough. As your kids get older and make mistakes or as you watch them hurt and it is out of your control it is so hard to feel like you've done things the right way.

But there is always ALWAYS a moment that happens, a word said, a look, a hug, a kiss, a smile, something every day that reminds me how lucky I am to have four beautiful children. And more than that they love me and they tell me and show me and thank me and that makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

Or I get this from Kaden, it means the world to me. There has been so much going on behind this blog, so much in our life that I leave out because it involves others. I have prayed so many prayers that I will know how to help my kids in their different needs. Kade is so loving, he often tells me he thanks Heavenly Father for letting me be his mom. In reality I am the lucky one to have him. Now, how to get him to be as loving towards his sister's?

These children are my purpose in life. I was sent here to be a Mother and that is all I have ever wanted to be in life.

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Friday Letters

Dear Children, I must love you a lot because I am going to "muffins for mom's" at 7:30am and then "family fun night" to watch a movie outside at your school on the same day. And we all know you have no intention of actually watching the movie. And I remember the "spring Sing" all too well. Dear Piano Recital, it still baffles me that my kids can get up there and play their songs with hardly any practicing. Kade almost didn't make it he turned bright red and looked like he wasn't breathing, but he started over and made it through just fine. Hailey got up there and played hers well too, she likes the attention a bit more than Kade. Ha. Dear Little Girls, after the last couple of weeks I wasn't taking any more chances so I took you both in for an eye exam. You both passed. Then you packed your backpacks and had your swimsuits on under your clothes. Hazel finally spilled the beans that you were planning on sneaking out after I went to bed, you were going to Sunsplash...with a flashlight. Smile. Dear Briana, it has been a year. I can only imagine how hard it has been for your family. I miss you. Your family are always in my prayers. Dear May 8th, you were one of the hardest, saddest days of my life. I literally came home and crawled in my bed. No one let me stay there, but still. Dear Avary, you are a little pistol lately! What happened to my sweet tempered babycakes? Dear Kade, we had our last class this week. You loved them. Dear Rainstorm, sometimes that is the best, a windy, rainy, cloudy, dark, thundering kind of day. And of course we can always use the moisture here. I made the kids come in when the pecans started flying off the trees in the wind, that could hurt. Dear Face, we have never gotten along very well, but I have learned to accept what God gave me. But did I really need a zit right in the middle of my forehead? I'm in my 30's for crying out loud! Dear Sis, thank you for watching my little girls and spending lunch with me on a very hard day, it meant a lot. Dear Hazel, there are some who have never had the opportunity to experience how loud you can be. Let's put it this way, Avary literally fell asleep with her fingers plugging her ears. Dear Mother's Day, I just hope my kids can all get along for one day, I'm not going to hold my breath. Dear Self, I just keep getting up, I think that counts right now.

Rain

 I'm not sure what this looks like to you. And, yes, I know how blessed we are that my parents have such a huge backyard and garden. This is maybe one fifth of it. But that's not even the point.

The sky is actually NOT blue. It was stormy and even a little thunder, my favorite. The trees were blowing all over the place. Almost a normal Reno wind. ha. the garbage cans did get blown over. Hailey is still afraid of thunder even in a lighted room full of people. I love it.

I let the kids jump on the trampoline for a bit in the rain until the nuts started flying. Ha, that could mean anything around here! The  pecans were falling pretty hard in the wind and those things can hurt, you would know if you have ever lived here and had someone throw one at you.

Plus it was breaking Avary's little heart not to be able to go out and join in, which means mine was sad for her too.

plan A

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Some News

So... since my kids can't help themselves from telling everyone anyway I guess I have some news?

We will be moving towards the end of July. To Thatcher, Az. Yes, the Gila Valley.

If you were to tell me 6 months ago I would be moving to Thatcher I would have laughed at you and I don't laugh as much as I used to.

It's a long story, but to try and make it short...
In December of last year I knew that it was time to think about moving into our own home, I had so many things happen and a lot of promptings that I needed to be able to control our environment for my children, for our family so that we could be our family again. My children were not ok and this was killing me, breaking every part of my heart, on top of everything else, that I could not make them ok. So I started praying and praying and praying and thinking and thinking and looking and looking. It has been a long process. One day my friend calls me and tells me I should move to Thatcher, I think I laughed, but she had a valid point. Lower cost of living, cheaper college, starting over. I was very resistant. But then as I'm asking the Lord to please show me where he wants me to raise my children, to help me so that I will know where He wants me to go? I wasn't open to anywhere. And then I received some advice that I needed to be open to any and all options if I really am asking for guidance. This was very true.
So, I took my kids for Easter, they all loved it. Me? I loved visiting, but I couldn't deny this was the first place that didn't cause anxiety in any of the kids. So...I took awhile and looked into every aspect I could think of, spent a lot of time thinking, a lot of time trying to overcome my big fears so that I could even feel if it was right. And then I fasted and took my time before I asked the question. The Lord heard me and answered me. So I then asked for a blessing so I could try and want to. I can't even remember what it said, but I do remember my Dad and our neighbor sitting with me for an hour talking it all over with me and leaving feeling like it was obviously the best thing for us.
Next I drove up there to find a place to live, but before I left I asked the Lord to make my heart feel a peace and calm, to help me to want to be there. Again, the Lord heard me and answered me. As I passed the temple I had this peace come over me and I just felt so different about that valley. I felt comfortable the whole time I was there and my mind feels so much better about it. I don't know how it will all fall into to place or how I will physically move us there or be able to afford it, or how I will get all the things we need because we left everything in Reno, but I just feel like it will work out. I feel like the Lord knew I wouldn't hear that so He prompted my friend and she listened.

Now don't misunderstand. I am forever grateful for my parents and their willingness and support when I needed a place to go. For all the work and sacrifices that they make for us to live here, they put up with a lot and give up so much space and quiet for us. I love them so much. And I know they will always welcome me back into their home if I need to.

This is about me and my kids and that feeling that we are not Home yet. I hope that we are on our way to home. I have such a hard time letting go of our old life, but I am trying to find the strength for a new start and maybe we will even find a little happiness.

Briana

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It's been a year since Briana passed away. I still think of her often and I will even say I feel her love around me sometimes. I Love and Miss you Briana.


I had an epiphany today while sitting in the oncologist's office. There's so much talk and paraphernalia about finding cures for cancer. There's bitter talk about why Heavenly Father would allow such suffering. I sat there thinking to myself, No. My heart tells me it's not like that at all! ... Think of the communities and families that have come together to love, serve, and mourn with one another.

Our Father in heaven provides opportunities every day for us to keep his commandments, to follow His ultimate example of serving, loving, caring for His spirit children, our spirit brothers and sisters. I get to experience firsthand on a daily basis how beautiful the hearts of mankind really are.

Turn off the news of contentious politics, crime, and adultery for a bit. You'll find a world of compassion. PLEASE ACCEPT MY GRATITUDE to all those who uplift and show me what leading a Christ-like life is really all about. Loads and loads of LOVE!!!

  -Bri, March 2010

This was hanging in the Dr. office when I took Avary. It made me laugh. I might give it a try. I think tight pants would work too. Ha.

Friday Letters

                           We went to the museum... this won't give you nightmares at all.




Dear Children, you are the messiest little critters there ever was, I am sure of it. Dear Miner's, you are such good friends to spend half your day driving around with me looking at apartments and buying me lunch when we both know you had more important things to do, like take finals, I hope you aced them. Dear Flu, I am watching you visit all the people I hang out with and I am praying you decide to spare us. I feel like you have taken all of my friends hostage. Dear Avary, after we met with the Dr. and he gave you a very nice lecture about what you may and may not do if you want to heal quickly you went in the back yard. I don't think that getting in the irrigation was on that list, getting your casts wet and full of grass. Dear Parents, you all of a sudden decided you wanted to take me to dinner, this was a little strange, but I enjoyed spending some time with just you. When does that ever happen. And then you traveled to the other side of the country. Hmm. Dear Hailey, you received Good Citizen at school again, donut time! Dear ipod's, I spent hours trying to get one to turn on and put music on the other only to forget the car adapter, this kind of ticked me off. And then the next day the dead one just randomly turns on the first try. And then no matter what I tried I could not get the mouse to the computer to work. Seriously? Although driving in complete silence wasn't as bad as I thought, except it made me sleepy. Dear Awkward, driving my Dad's OLD truck, turning the corner and having my door fly open. Good thing I was wearing a seat belt. Dear Hailey, you got your glasses and the whole way home you kept saying "look at that, mom did you see that, oh look at that, look at that sign"! I hope you like seeing better and I never have to make you wear them. You were pretty excited to go and read you book. Dear Cami, I am so glad I found you, I have felt a weight lifted and know that you will be able to help my children. I cannot even express what this means to me. Dear Week, you have been so crammed full of things to do and places to be. By Tuesday it felt like I had lived a whole week and it should have been Friday. End of the school year can be crazy. Dear Self, I can do hard things. And maybe soon I will add something else to that, but right now I feel very blessed that I am able to do hard things.

don't mistake my silence

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friends pick us up

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