I Love the Temple Grounds right now. They smell so good and are so beautiful. I could walk around in circles for hours staring at and smelling the flowers. It just feels better there.
I can feel a sadness but a peace. This time of year reminds me of my wedding, April 7th will be 13 years. The flowers were so pretty that day, the trees were full of blossoms. There was also a mix of sadness but peace that day too, trying to feel happy because we wanted so badly to be happy and loved, but people we loved weren't happy and that brought disappointment and unhappiness to the memories of our wedding day. Even though those things are forgiven the memories still hold the same sadness. The feeling of not being enough of being a disappointment.
13 years later I walk these grounds and I feel such a loss. I can feel and see how things should have been. I feel the pain of all the years I've given and lost. I can see what we should be doing right now, where we should be together. I can see the future we should have had and it's so hard to let go. Even though the things I imagine are not reality, they aren't even real, we never had that life, it's the fact that after all we've been through we should have that life now and we don't. The fact that we will never have that life together. 13 years later I still love my husband and it is that feeling again, of not being enough, of being a disappointment.
It's impossible to really even express. They haven't made words yet to describe the heartache of divorce. Trying to heal sometimes seems so far out of reach and ridiculous to imagine. I do believe the Lord heals our hearts with time to a certain degree. It will never be something that doesn't carry an amount of pain with it, it should, it's the loss of a whole family and a relationship that should have been eternal and I do believe it may get better but it will never not hurt.
I am working so hard to help us get to a good place, but anyone who has been here knows that there are days that feel impossible that we will ever come out on the other side of this.
This place...This Temple, will always be the one in my heart.
