Friday Letters

Take a wild guess who is right up in front of the fire the whole night.

Dear Children, I hope you all sleep through the night and in your own beds. Dear Girls, having our girls night while the boys were camping for the Father & Son's turned out ok for you after the 40min, of crying and yelling because Daddy left. My blinding headache joined us. Taking you out to eat and giving you ice cream and a movie did the trick...this time. Dear L, I can't really categorize you as my VT because you are really my friend. Thank you for lunch and the hours we spent talking. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through, but I am so grateful that Heavenly Father placed you in my life because you can truly understand and that means so much. Dear B&D, it was fun to hang out as a family with you, I love how you always put up with us. I talk about my feelings often, but don't usually show the emotion, sorry for my outburst of tears and thanks for being my friends. Dear Ric, I am glad we got to spend time with you. Taking you to the airport and watching you walk away was about all I could take until I went to get the kids and looked at their faces and realized that was my limit. They cried all the way home. Dear Home Teacher, we got the best. When I tell the kids you are here they run with smiles on their faces so excited and repeatedly ask when you are coming back. You play with them and teach them and they know you care about them. I am so so grateful. They call you Brother Happy Face. Dear Headache, I have carried you around for two weeks now, every day. I wake up and you are there, I go to sleep and you are there. You even hurt in my dreams, literally. I never feel rested and my face and eyes are puffy and swollen looking (if you are me and know the difference)and I am so fatigued all the time. I've tried everything and would probably try anything you put in front of me. GO AWAY! Dear Hailey, you sat up in your bed, on the top bunk, and vomited all over your blankets and down the wall. You have done this since you were 6months old, I thought you would out grow it. At least you rarely ever get sick and you only threw up once. Dear Gag List, in the last 2 weeks there has been so much vomit I don't know if I will ever eat again-mexican food, milk, spaghetti, taquitos, anything red. Dear Kade, I took you to your first split peas class against your will. You ended up loving it, well the playing part. You said you don't know why you have to go because me and dad don't even fight. That actually made me feel really good because that means that all of my efforts to protect you from that have been worth it or maybe you just don't remember. Either way. The teacher said you wouldn't talk about it. Dear Avary, you got your second good citizen award, I think you are only supposed to get one, this time for showing so much Wonder, the first step to knowledge. And you won the presidential award for Physical Education. You get a t-shirt. You are still so humble and innocent. When I ask you why you won you say "I don't know, but I get a t-shirt and a donut" and then giggle. You are just being you. Dear Self, I'm not really sure how I made it this far through the week. I don't like starting my week having to watch my husband walk away for the last time as my husband. I can do hard things, right? Even with a blinding headache, there just might be more tears.

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Friday Letters

Dear Children, I have had to crack down a little to remind you that I am the parent and you are the children, it is very hard for me. You will thank me later...maybe. Dear Deodorant, I have to say that one of the things that really frustrate me and actually make me yell "WHY???" is when I drop my deodorant on the floor when the lid is off. Think about it. Dear Bike Ride, four miles with Ric and six kids was...fun. I enjoyed it, except the part when Kade and Avary totally wiped out, that made me really sad. Dear Dentist, give me the gas please. After an appointment mix up and a rush to finish my dental work before losing my insurance I spent almost two hours in the chair. And had no control over the bottom half of my face for the next four hours, it felt like it was missing. Until the numbness wore off that is, then there was pain and a killer headache. But for the first time maybe ever I do not have a cavity in my mouth. Putting it off came back to bite me. Dear Miracle, after my dental work I took all four kids to their Dentist, the same day. None of them had a cavity! This is a first and a miracle I tell you. I guess the trick is to start slacking and tell the kids to brush their teeth, but not really check because that is how the last 6 months have gone and now there's no cavities? Dear Kade, I think you have survived the flu after a very long night of throwing up every 15 min. You finally fell asleep around 7am. The problem is Hazel decided to join the barf party at 6:30am. Dear Flu, I am glad I got you first so I would be able to take care of the little chicks. It breaks my heart to see them sick. 3 down 2 to go. Lets hope I survive. Dear Headaches, really you make life unbearable when I go to sleep and wake up with you for days. I really do say prayers of thanks for every day that I do not suffer from a blinding headache. Dear Hazel, I think you may be the only 4 yr old to walk up to their mom and say "mom, I am a jelly-aholic". I'm going to have to keep an extra eye on you. Dear Ric, you are here to take Kade to the father&son campout. I am glad you came, it means the world to him. Dear Self, I have been pushed to the limits in many areas lately. Seriously, I am still on "I can do hard things".

I love my son...

I was having this nightmare and then I realized....I was awake.

Kade went to bed with a tummyache. Which meant he went to bed with instructions on where the bathroom is and last resort here's a bag.

I heard him cough...
I go in and he is sitting up in bed with the bag sitting next to him, he hasn't thrown up...yet. He is just staring at me. I say "get up quick". Staring at me. "Get the bag it's right next to you, grab it, get up" Staring at me. running over to him yelling now "GET THE BAG RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!! GET UP!!!" And then he threw up pretty much everything he has ever eaten in his whole 8 years...all over his bed...and blankets...dripping onto the floor...all over toys. Now I am the one staring, in disbelief. I still have a pounding headache from, well from yesterday. The smell hits me as I look at chunks of barf and I break out in a sweat and honestly try not to cry. And then I...yelled. Yes, remember mother of the year? I yelled WHY????????? WHY???????

My life is not all sunshine and roses, but I take it the best I can without dwelling on "why me" as much as possible, but I was cursing the universe. WHY is there no waterproof cover on his mattress? WHY?????? What happened to it, where did it go? I have enough experience to know they all must have one. Where is it? WHY?????? WHY does he have so many blankets??? WHY can't he chew his food??? WHY do I even feed them? WHY ME? WHY NOW? It really was a very bad time, I was on my last emotional straw before this happened.

I tried to wash his mattress off in the tub. Yeah whatever. Then one by one I rinsed out all the chunks of food off of all of his blankets and his non waterproof cover, the boy doesn't chew. Still cursing the universe put him back to bed. Carried all the soaking wet stuff downstairs to the laundry room to the washer. Then scrubbed the barf smell off of me. But we all know the smell never goes away, it's burned into my memory. Lingering in the air, probably soaking into my hair.

He didn't stay in bed, he threw up all night and took baths. And I got another night of no sleep.

You know what gets me? Every night there are at least two kids waking up getting in my bed. Through all of this, all the puking and...yelling...gagging, the girls slept soundly through it two feet away. Somebody pray that it is a strange coincidence that one week ago I was throwing up. And somebody pray that it stops here and doesn't run through the whole crew. That can happen when four kids are sharing a room, right?

(...)= me taking a deep breath while reliving it. Oh, wait, It's still going on.

This Place

I Love the Temple Grounds right now. They smell so good and are so beautiful. I could walk around in circles for hours staring at and smelling the flowers. It just feels better there.

I can feel a sadness but a peace. This time of year reminds me of my wedding, April 7th will be 13 years. The flowers were so pretty that day, the trees were full of blossoms. There was also a mix of sadness but peace that day too, trying to feel happy because we wanted so badly to be happy and loved, but people we loved weren't happy and that brought disappointment and unhappiness to the memories of our wedding day. Even though those things are forgiven the memories still hold the same sadness. The feeling of not being enough of being a disappointment.



13 years later I walk these grounds and I feel such a loss. I can feel and see how things should have been. I feel the pain of all the years I've given and lost. I can see what we should be doing right now, where we should be together. I can see the future we should have had and it's so hard to let go. Even though the things I imagine are not reality, they aren't even real, we never had that life, it's the fact that after all we've been through we should have that life now and we don't. The fact that we will never have that life together. 13 years later I still love my husband and it is that feeling again, of not being enough, of being a disappointment.

It's impossible to really even express. They haven't made words yet to describe the heartache of divorce. Trying to heal sometimes seems so far out of reach and ridiculous to imagine. I do believe the Lord heals our hearts with time to a certain degree. It will never be something that doesn't carry an amount of pain with it, it should, it's the loss of a whole family and a relationship that should have been eternal and I do believe it may get better but it will never not hurt.
I am working so hard to help us get to a good place, but anyone who has been here knows that there are days that feel impossible that we will ever come out on the other side of this.

This place...This Temple, will always be the one in my heart.

1st Place

Avary came home from Field Day at school and was so excited to show me her medal. I asked her what she got it for and she says "I don't really know, but i have always wanted a medal, my wish came true". I asked if everyone got one and she said No. After noticing the 1st Place on it I asked twenty questions which produced this- Avary won the 50 yard dash(ribbon) and got a sticker for each event she won, she won the most events and had the most stickers so she won 1st place over the whole Kindergarten!

I am so proud of her! I must admit I'm not super surprised because she is strong and coordinated and begs me to take her to the gymnastics all the time after taking her to the open gym. And because she can beat everyone at pullups on the bar. She told me "Mom I could have hoolahooped all day long"! Ha

sick

When I was in bed throwing up every time I moved, I hate throwing up, and my kidneys felt broken Avary told me she said a prayer for me. She kept saying "ohhh poor Mommy"

Kaden kept asking if I needed anything.

Hailey snuck out at the first opportunity.

And Hazel didn't seem to notice, she just wanted me to get up and be her slave and she told me so in a very demanding way called yelling and throwing a fit.

But, little Avary came in after lunch and sat with me telling me about her bike ride and what everyone was doing and how she was thinking of me the whole time. Then she said she brought me something, "but it might be smooshed and mooshed". And she pulled out too little flowers and put them next to my bed so I could look at them while I was sick and they would make me feel better. She said she has never seen one quite exactly this color of orange and that's why she picked that one.

Sometimes kids are the sweetest little angels.

Friday Letters

fishing

Dear Children, you have enjoyed spending time with Dad this week even though it was not nearly enough for you, but I am not used to going anywhere with out you. Dear Kade, you caught your first fish! You were so excited I could barely understand you. I'm sure I will hear about it for many moons to come. Dear Temple, I love how I can go sit and feel the spirit and find comfort if even for a moment. And the flowers right now are so beautiful, add the fresh smell of blooming flowers it's almost heaven. Dear Four Hour Parenting Class, which ended in me getting a big headache. You seemed way to long with not enough information, I liked the 8 week course better. Although I did like the discussion about how your thoughts can completely change your feelings. Maybe it was worthwhile just for that. The $50.00 sure wasn't. Dear Hair, I LOVE it! Think dark, dark brown. Dear Flu, I lost a whole day because of you. So so so sick, it hurt to be alive. Still recovering, I wish I was still recovering in bed. I do believe I can confidently say I will never eat Mexican food again. Dear Ric, I'm glad you happened to be here the day I was sick. Who knows what kind of trouble the kids would have gotten into. Dear Awesome, driving with the windows down inhaling the orange blossoms, my favorite. Dear Brother, Happy Birthday! I love You. Dear List, long list of the things I was going to get done while Ric was here. You pretty much got crumpled up and thrown in the garbage. Dear Spring Break, you went way too fast. I wish we had spring weather during summer vacation. Dear Self, I cried way too much this week I am not ashamed to admit that. I wish I could convince my mind that everything will be ok and it will all fall into place when it is supposed to. Part of me knows that.

Pop Pop Fizz Fizz...

Does this look refreshing? Not many can handle it. My Dad says it will either make you throw up or make you feel better.

I feel sick to my stomach most of the time and so Alka Seltzer is often found next to my bed. Have I mentioned I am stressed?

Winning

That's right, winning in a blurr with the competition no were in sight. He won because he didn't win and didn't lose, but didn't care much after the first hour. The only reason we stayed to the very end was because Kade wanted the treats afterwards. Yeah, donuts.


The Tank exactly how Kade wanted it.


Winning after a really long day.

Squirrely

I've always called my kids "Little Squirrels"


My idea of what a squirrel looks like....


Thier...


Idea...


Scarey...try having this face stare at you in a dark auditorium.


And the Beautiful M with her groupies. She did a fantastic job in Westwoods Willy Wonka.

Friday Letters

the little bird made it through the night so Kade could go to school believing in miracles and then died. Grandpa buried it in the corner of the garden, or so he says.

Dear Children, you have all been at your emotional limit this week. I wish more than anything I could mend your broken hearts. Dear Pinewood Derby, I had no idea you were so long. Kade was right in the middle with wins. He had a hard time even paying attention after the first hour. Dear Basket Ball Games, a double header, do they say that in basketball? We went straight from the Derby to the two hour game/s. I was so tired. Kade got in a really good shot and everyone cheered for him. Dear Niece M, so glad you were hanging around the house and talked me into leaving the girls with you while I took Kade to his games. It was a very different experience to sit and watch the game and I'm 100% sure the girls had more fun with you. Dear Shooting Star, you were the brightest, longest shooting star I ever remember seeing. Some how I feel like it was meant for me. Dear Baby Bird, after getting blown out of your nest Kade sat and cried for a good 30 minutes because he couldn't stand to think of you suffering. Grandma came to the rescue and put it in a little box and gave it water. I came downstairs and found Kade praying over the little bird, he said he just couldn't take it, why did the bird have to fall out and suffer. He cried for so long. Hailey of course took two looks and went and bawled in her room. Dear West Woods Willy Wonka, my niece M was awesome and had all her little squirrely cousins as groupies. The whole show was really good, go see it. Still playing Friday and Saturday at 7pm. M is the assistant to the reporter. And my kids are squirrels. As you can imagine they play the part well. Dear Awesome, going in for a shot and and having the Dr. make the girl up front refund my copay, just because. Dear Hazel, you fell off the top bunk while trying to jump onto your bed and landed on all the toys you never cleaned up. How you fall when your bed is a foot away from the bunk bed I have no idea. I thought you broke your foot, but you didn't. You are still limping around though. Dear Awkward, sitting for 20 min. waiting for the x-ray orders to be faxed over only to realize they are sitting on the front seat of the car. I was really smart that day. Dear Moment, the kind that make everything you do worth it. When you child comes and tells you how much they love you and that they thanked Heavenly Father for letting you be there mom because you stand up and try to protect them when they don't have the strength to stand up for them self. The kind of moment you sit there and cry because you have been blessed with such great kids. The kind of moment that overshadows all the days that they have drove you crazy. Dear Self, most of the time I wish I could take my kids and run away. Standing up for what's right even if you stand alone isn't easy, but it is what I will always do no matter what I lose.

Source: weheartit.com via Camille on Pinterest

Friday Letters

the kids wait all night to see the dancing cats

Dear Monday, you were a very hard day for me. I was on the verge of tears all day and finally had myself a very long cry after the kids were asleep. Life can just suck sometimes. Dear Organ Stop Pizza, my kids love to go and listen/watch the music. And got to see family on top of it. Dear Ben, Extra thanks to Uncle Ben for letting my kids attack you(seriously)and you being so nice to them and making them feel loved. It was good to see you, it makes me miss you guys. Dear Dad, Thank you for spending your Saturday helping Kade with his pine wood derby car. He loved spending time with you. Dear Scouts, I was so happy when I found out you were cancelled because of the up coming pine wood berby. Woohoo. I love it when stuff is cancelled. Can you tell I'm too stressed out. Dear Practice, I admit I also am a little glad about the last basket ball practice for awhile, especially when they made me get up and run down the court trying to block Kade. Hailey was laughing her head off. Dear Awesome, a free car wash from my mamma. The inside was getting scary. Dear Weekend, you are too busy to think about right now. Maybe in about 20 years I can take a vacation. Dear Self, I know I am always falling behind on something, but I am trying to be ok with the fact that I will probably never catch up.

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