It doesn't even feel like Christmas to me. Christmas and Divorce don't mix very well.
I have this overwhelming desire to just crawl into my bed...forever.
The kids don't want to spend their time upstairs in our room with me all day, and I don't want to be around anyone or go anywhere or even come out of my room. That doesn't mix so well either, especially when you live in a house full of people. People who aren't going through a divorce at the moment. I say how I feel often, but I don't show anyone how I feel inside.

I'm sad. And it feels so alone. And I want to cry whenever I feel like it, but that doesn't mix well with kids and people either. I don't have an appetite, but the kids do, and the kitchen is downstairs. I'm thinking that feels too far away and why are you even hungry? But kids are always starving...for something specific. I think I have passed from the depressed eating my emotions to depressed sick to my stomach can't eat anything emotions. The kids force me to keep going. But I don't want to.

I know I am going in the right direction and I am forever grateful to have parents who welcomed us in especially when they already had a full house. That is where I should not say "but" I wish so badly that I could provide our own home for my kids and still be at home with them. I want to take them to school and pick them up and already be home when they need me. That is the one thing that my mind and heart cannot accept. I want to be home with my children and have my own home. I can't provide that and it kills me. I don't feel like I am me, or the mom that is me, when I am not in my own home. And even the thought of that happening is years away. Sometimes I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I will go work on my gratitude list.