The kids and I are moving back to Arizona the last week of July.
I have not wanted to say it out loud because then it seems too real and I don't want to face reality right now.
My heart is broken, my spirit is broken. It is hard for me to make sense of anything anymore.
I thought is was the hardest thing to move here, to leave my family, my support. And it was. I almost couldn't do it. The risk was too high. But I came to love Reno and the people here. I was blessed to be surrounded by truly kind and amazing people. And now I am faced with having to leave not only this place that I love, but a part of my family. And that has been the most painful of all. It is just something you can't describe, it's something you can't imagine until you are there and feeling it. The indescribable heartache and sadness. The feelings of failure and not being enough. The terrifying thought of the future without my family being whole. Remembering that last year I promised myself that I would never be in this situation again. But, here I am. And somehow it hurts even more. This is the hardest thing I might ever do and it feels like I am going to die of heartache, but somehow I am still breathing. All I can do is think of my Savior, the only one who can truly understand my heart.
Once again I feel like I am walking off a cliff into the darkness. But, I know the Lord won't leave me alone and he will never leave my children alone. I can only have faith that I am doing what is right for us even when most people will not understand or care. You will never know how much uncaring remarks can hurt or how truly difficult this is for us. You don't know what you can't see, our wounds are invisible. But they are real all the same. I am lucky to have people who do love me and support me and they mean so much to me. I believe one of the most important things to ever be is to be kind.
