Friday Letters

Dear Husband, this was our last week together yet, you weren't there. I am really sad. Dear Kaden, my sweet birthday boy. I can't believe you are eight! You are my favorite boy in the whole world and I love you so much. Dear Moving, you really took it out of me. Packing and unpacking and then packing again moving furniture and boxes on trucks off trucks down stairs and up stairs and unpacking again. I am lucky I was not alone. Dear Reno, as we drove away from our home my heart broke and I cried. I can't really describe that kind of sad. I am grateful for the wonderful things there and the wonderful friends I made. Dear Road Trip, if that is what you would call 14 and 1/2 hours in the car with 6 kids and a hurt back. We were so blessed that the kids were so good. Dramamine is priceless. Those last four hours it was either laugh or cry and the kids are so hilarious if you listen to their conversations that we laughed for hours. Dear Sister, forever grateful for you being with me through the hardest time of my life. Dear Family, your love and hugs and welcome mean so much to me. Your helping me unpack and move my stuff and feeding my kids and making sure my little boy had a happy birthday just because you love me makes me cry. And that too, thanks for putting up with all my tears at the drop of a hat or maybe we should say box or chair.ha Dear Self, everyone says things will get better and I am trying to believe them. I made it through the first step, a million more to go.

Friday Letters

Dear Husband, this week you cut off the end of your pinky. And your wedding ring was cut in half. I'm sorry that happened to you, ouch. Dear Packing, you are just so draining and never ending, especially with six crazy kids running around. Dear Lake Tahoe, once again, I still LOVE you. The kids went crawdad hunting and caught a huge toad! And Luke caught a fish with his hands. Then Luke got a piece of rock in his eye and freaked out, lost his mind, screamed bloody murder as if he was being attacked by sharks. Of course Ranell had taken the little girls to the potty so I had to run across the beach drag him out of the water and restrain him while digging at his eye. Everyone around was a little panicked until...we realized he just had something in his eye. But now I demand to be the favorite aunt for saving his life at the beach. I laugh at the thought of me running with my big hat on. Ha. I wanted to cry though when we drove away, I really love it, maybe my favorite place. Dear Ranell, I love you for all you are doing for me, for helping me to remember who I am and loving me through all of this. Dear Just Dance 2, when all the kids play it is so funny I can't help laughing, it is so funny. I love it when you are all silly. Dear Music, sometimes you are the only thing to bring comfort when it feels it's impossible. Dear Reno Friends, thank you so much for being my friends, I know with out a doubt the Lord put you in my life just when I needed you so I wouldn't be alone. Forever thankful for those who follow promptings in my behalf. Dear Reno, only 3 days left here. I have loved it here so much and wish I could stay. I will always remember the moments of peace I found in the small beauties of your nature. The cool breeze on my face, the sound of the wind in the trees, your always beautiful skies, your flowers and blossoms, the snow silently painting everything white, and the sound of your crazy wind, and your rivers and lakes. Dear Young Women, I am sad at the thought of having to say goodbye on Sunday. I have felt the strength and worth of your spirits and know that you are special girls. Love you. Dear Self, I have no idea how I am going to get through this. I can't imagine or remember what it was like to not have my heart ache. But I know I am going to a place where I am loved. With a prayer in my mind and heart nearly every moment of the day for strength to do what I have to do. Just make it through the first step.

moving

The kids and I are moving back to Arizona the last week of July.
I have not wanted to say it out loud because then it seems too real and I don't want to face reality right now.
My heart is broken, my spirit is broken. It is hard for me to make sense of anything anymore.
I thought is was the hardest thing to move here, to leave my family, my support. And it was. I almost couldn't do it. The risk was too high. But I came to love Reno and the people here. I was blessed to be surrounded by truly kind and amazing people. And now I am faced with having to leave not only this place that I love, but a part of my family. And that has been the most painful of all. It is just something you can't describe, it's something you can't imagine until you are there and feeling it. The indescribable heartache and sadness. The feelings of failure and not being enough. The terrifying thought of the future without my family being whole. Remembering that last year I promised myself that I would never be in this situation again. But, here I am. And somehow it hurts even more. This is the hardest thing I might ever do and it feels like I am going to die of heartache, but somehow I am still breathing. All I can do is think of my Savior, the only one who can truly understand my heart.
Once again I feel like I am walking off a cliff into the darkness. But, I know the Lord won't leave me alone and he will never leave my children alone. I can only have faith that I am doing what is right for us even when most people will not understand or care. You will never know how much uncaring remarks can hurt or how truly difficult this is for us. You don't know what you can't see, our wounds are invisible. But they are real all the same. I am lucky to have people who do love me and support me and they mean so much to me. I believe one of the most important things to ever be is to be kind.

My Boy

Look at what I caught Kade writing. LOVE MOM.
Yeah, that's my little boy.
My heart needs him.

Sisters

Oh, what would we do without sisters. I hope that my little girls grow up to be sisters like I have. Sisters are friends for life. They are so cute it makes me want to cry.

Little Critters

I thought this was so funny.

I find these guys everywhere.

Apparently someone likes their privacy.

Friday Letters

Dear Husband, thanks for taking the kids to the park so I could get a break. Dear Wadsworths, thank you again, for giving me the priceless opportunity to learn from you in the Temple. It will aways be a favorite memory for me. Dear Ranell, I'm still glad you are here, it means so much to me. I love You. Dear Lake Tahoe, yes, again. I can't get enough of your beauty and the happiness you bring the kids. It's ridiculous really how much I love you. Dear Reno, I love that I can take the kids to the park in the middle of the day in July and feel a cool breeze and look up the hill and see the Temple. And watch the butterflies and the little bunny rabbits hop around the big green field with flowers growing. And hear the wind in the trees and a smell that reminds me of the Ranch. No Joke, it's like heaven sometimes. Dear Packing, I still hate you. Who would have guessed? It might go a little faster if I wasn't breaking down every other box. Which is one of many reasons sisters are good to have around. Dear Back, really? Could you have picked a worse time to go out? I even made a visit to a dr. in a panic because you really picked a rotten time to give out on me. Oh, and guess what is good for you, rest...no such thing. Dear Activity Days, attending our last one made me feel sad and made things seem even more real. Hailey was especially sad to leave all her new friends, which made me even sadder. Dear Free Brownie Dessert, I never get anything for free! I almost felt like I might have a change in luck and Joanna wasn't even there, it was crazy. Dear Self, this might possibly be the hardest time in life. Hang on to the Lord who will never leave you and will always know the truth.

Friday Letters

(wagon ride with the Wadsworths)

Dear Husband, thanks for watching the kids so Ranell and I could go somewhere with out six children. Dear Detour, I enjoyed your beautiful mountainous trees and lakes and dirt roads for about the first hour maybe two. But with six hungry, cranky kids in the car with their swim suits on and bad directions and no phone reception it wasn't fun anymore. So I instinctively drove to Lake Tahoe and we were saved. Dear Wadsworths, thank you for inviting us to your farm for the 4th of July. You have a wonderful and kind family and the kids loved every minute of running free. And there was even some entertainment when Ric went down the zip line only to find there is no way to break when heading for a field of dried fox tails. Even Hailey tried to laugh it off when she went down backwards and we ended up picking fox tails out of the entire back side of her body. Dear Ranell, I truly don't know what I would do without you here right now. I would say I would be a crying puddle on the floor, but I am half the time anyway. And that is me trying to suck it up for your sake. Heavenly Father knew I needed you. Dear Emry, Happy Birthday! You made it to TWO! Dear Lake Tahoe, after a difficult week laying on your shores watching the kids play is so healing for a moment. Even if I did threaten to make the kids walk home in the car when they wouldn't stop tattling and yelling. It didn't work. Dear Self, I know you think you are going to die of heartache...still. But maybe you won't.

Yes, I find this fascinating.

I didn't know that this...


Would turn into this...


One of the many reasons I love this place.

My Boy

Want to know what my sweet little boy did?

He snuck out to the front yard early one morning and picked some roses for me, washed them to make sure there were no bugs, put them in water and brought them to me in bed.

And then yesterday he told me, mom you're the best mom I don't know what I would do without you.

Oh, my sweet, sweet boy. Oh, how I love you!

Friday Letters

Cutest thing

Dear Husband, thank you for the notes. Dear Sis, You are Here, Hallelujah! I'm sorry you got motion sickness on the plane and threw up. But somehow you were still happy and even attended a baby shower and mutual with me and spent most of the day at the park. Dear Nephews, my boys, you've grown and I missed you. It was the cutest thing to watch you all take turns hugging everyone with giant smiles on your faces. Dear bookstore, ha it is an adventure taking six kids in with you and all they want to leave with is a toy. Dear Neighborhood Parks, you are a life saver and energy user, and are also beautiful. What a combination. Dear Life, there are moments when the weight of reality hits me and it feels like I am being crushed beneath you. But then there are quiet reminders that the Lord loves me and I am able to catch my breath. Dear Family, Thank you for being so understanding and supportive of me. And for always loving us. Dear Self, remember that you are so lucky and so blessed in so many ways. Even though it is not in all the ways you want.