I have been in a funk lately. By funk I mean sad and disappointed, depressed.
Things have not exactly been how they should be and some things have to change.
I am always amazed at how quickly you can lose your sense of safety, your emotional and spiritual strength. It happens slowly actually, a little at a time. But when you look back you think how did this happen? Even when you know the answer to how it is still confusing.
I learned awhile ago the best defense for me against depression is scripture study and prayer. Ha, generic huh. Trying to pour in the light and knowledge during the storm to get me to the next day. And trying to not always feel so guilty. I feel guilty because I am not always the mother I know that I should be able to be. I feel inadequate in all other areas of life, I can accept that I am never going to be as great as the next gal who is great at everything. I am in a bind if you ask me to name my talents. My guilt though comes from all that I want to give and be for my children, the kind of life and home that I want them to have. And I fall so short of what they deserve. Because of all the other garbage that goes on I am so emotionally, spiritually and physically depleted.
So something has to change. And first I need to gain back all the strength that I had worked so so hard to achieve and in 5 short but long months I seem to have lost. Any one who has dug them self out of a dark pit knows how hard it is especially when you are not able to change the circumstances around you to help.
And when the one thing I know to do to let a little light seep in through the dark clouds seems so impossible, seems so right, but so wrong all at the same time. What to do about that...I'll let you know when I figure it out.
What seems to come to mind is get back to the basics and to get myself above the storm, go higher, look higher. Right? And patience. The answers will come. I always want to make it better today, I want it to stop hurting today. This quote seems appropriate.
"If for awhile the
harder you try
the harder it gets
take heart.
So it has been with
the best people
who ever lived."
Jeffery R. Holland.
I am certainly not one of the "best people who ever lived" Ha the thought makes me laugh. So I can't really expect it to be easy then huh.
