Friday Letters

Dear Husband, you went out of town for a night this week and sent me a picture of it snowing. Dear Body, I feel like you are breaking down and worn out, this concerns me because you are not that old. Dear Paint, it is amazing what a coat of you can do. Good bye angry peach hello warm soothing neutrals. Well, only in the front room, but still it's like a breath of fresh air. Dear Lil Sis, your tickets are purchased so it is official, you will be coming to visit in exactly 32 days. I smile and chuckle to think of it and make all these plans in my head of what two gals and six kids can do on a budget of $0.00. I'm excited already. Dear Ric, when trying to discipline our 10 yr old in a yelly angry tone your shoe fell off one foot. You tried to cover by continuing to walk with one bare foot and tripping on your shoe. I would say you were unsuccessful in your purpose seeing how me and Hailey couldn't stop laughing. I am still laughing.

MmMm

Have you ever tried this?

Toasted Whole wheat bread with fresh avocado and honey drizzled on top.

Sounds weird, but it is actually super yummy. I've been eating it almost every day for lunch.

I would try to NOT drop it face down on the kitchen floor while walking to the table like I did. That can kind of ruin the whole experience.

Funky

I have been in a funk lately. By funk I mean sad and disappointed, depressed.

Things have not exactly been how they should be and some things have to change.
I am always amazed at how quickly you can lose your sense of safety, your emotional and spiritual strength. It happens slowly actually, a little at a time. But when you look back you think how did this happen? Even when you know the answer to how it is still confusing.

I learned awhile ago the best defense for me against depression is scripture study and prayer. Ha, generic huh. Trying to pour in the light and knowledge during the storm to get me to the next day. And trying to not always feel so guilty. I feel guilty because I am not always the mother I know that I should be able to be. I feel inadequate in all other areas of life, I can accept that I am never going to be as great as the next gal who is great at everything. I am in a bind if you ask me to name my talents. My guilt though comes from all that I want to give and be for my children, the kind of life and home that I want them to have. And I fall so short of what they deserve. Because of all the other garbage that goes on I am so emotionally, spiritually and physically depleted.

So something has to change. And first I need to gain back all the strength that I had worked so so hard to achieve and in 5 short but long months I seem to have lost. Any one who has dug them self out of a dark pit knows how hard it is especially when you are not able to change the circumstances around you to help.

And when the one thing I know to do to let a little light seep in through the dark clouds seems so impossible, seems so right, but so wrong all at the same time. What to do about that...I'll let you know when I figure it out.

What seems to come to mind is get back to the basics and to get myself above the storm, go higher, look higher. Right? And patience. The answers will come. I always want to make it better today, I want it to stop hurting today. This quote seems appropriate.

"If for awhile the
harder you try
the harder it gets
take heart.
So it has been with
the best people
who ever lived."

Jeffery R. Holland.

I am certainly not one of the "best people who ever lived" Ha the thought makes me laugh. So I can't really expect it to be easy then huh.

Friday Letters

(apparently I am silly)

Dear Husband, you spent a lot of time making a slideshow for the temple devotional, I heard it was great. Dear E, I hope you had a great birthday, wish we could have been there. Dear Dinner Out, with the Mr.'s co workers and the temple presidency. Claim Jumper was yummy, but I felt a little out of place with such wonderful people and mature couples. Ha. Everyone was so nice. Dear Friend, thanks for babysitting at the last minute and so willingly too. You know I am cautious or paranoid maybe. Dear Activity Day, I am glad the girls were kind of mellowed on my day to teach especially since I had to go to mutual a couple of hours later the same day. Dear Ice cream Man, very clever parking right out side of the kids school. Now I am just annoyed by you, move on. Dear Life, for some reason I am feeling the weight of the world. Dear May, I had no idea you could be this cold. Dear Brother, I am so happy for you. I wish I could hold your sweet little girl. Can't wait to hear her name. Dear Ric, you need a haircut.

For My Friend...

I'm thinking of my beautiful friend Briana. Her memorial service is in Simi Valley today and I am here in Reno. The pains of being poor.
My heart is there, I wish the rest of me could be.
I did attend an open house in her honor at her home in Roseville on Wednesday. It hit me when I walked in and saw her family, and then hugs caused me to be fighting tears for the next hour. I seemed to be the only one who could not control my watery eyes. It was packed with those who loved her and it was a happy atmosphere, just as she would have wanted it I'm sure.

Her family are the kindest people. I wanted to cry when I looked at them, for their heartache and for the months and years ahead of them without Briana. Looking at her children and thinking of my own and the pain that only the Lord can calm. Yet I watched as her husband Eric and her mother Teri happily accommodated every single person there. They were so attentive and caring to everyone. They are always so welcoming and kind. And I was wondering what they must be going through, they had to be completely exhausted by the end of the night. How they are strong enough to step outside of their own pain and serve everyone else is amazing to me.

But at the same time, of course, these are the people she loved and chose because she was the same way. I've never met a person who did not love her. She left a happy stamp on the heart of everyone she knew.

I'm not really a believer of glorifying people just because they died, trying to make them better than they were. I think you should love them and think of them the same living or not. In this case every good thing you could hear about Briana is true. She really was one of the very best people I will ever know.
I've know her since the third grade and I cannot think of even one time that we ever argued. She was so happy and energetic and always so positive and passionate about life. She was so kind and always sticking up for what was right. She had a way of making you feel loved and important. She could always remember what was going on in your life. Always helping someone else. Her laugh always made me laugh. When we were younger I remember laughing till we cried was a common thing. She held my hair when I threw up (a true friend ha) and a hundred other memories with her, we never ran out of things to talk about. She was so talented in every way. It seems like she was good at whatever she tried. She always had such a strong spirit. She was such a strong person. I know she was a good wife and every time I talked to her she talked about how much she loved Eric and how good he was to her. And the way she talked about her four kids made you love them too. I saw her son standing alone staring at a picture of her, can't really put words to that emotion. His mother was one of kind. I know she will be his angel. Knowing her she will be an angel to as many people as she possibly can. Ha! After what she accomplished on this earth the thought of what that girl can do on the other side makes me smile. Her example will continue to affect every person she knew here. I loved her unwavering testimony in her Savior. She knew what this life was about and had an amazing amount of faith, it is such a comfort to know where she is, she is home and I will see her again. I know that she will have an eternal family. I love knowing that all the things I love about her she still has, she is the same strong spirit that I was lucky enough to call my friend.

It was a blessing in my life to know her and I will love her forever.

Friday Letters

Dear Husband, you let me sleep in on Mother's Day. Dear Mother's Day, I was awakened by four little voices singing me a mother's primary song with pictures they had drawn for me. The day was filled with lots of hugs and I love you's. The most from my little boy. And a bike. And teaching in church and Avary giving a talk and Hazel the scripture in primary. Dear Kaden, I loooved attending your mother's day party at school with you. You painted me a picture of a butterfly, wrote me a poem, made me a flower, drew a portrait of me (ha), served me pink lemonade with snacks, sang me a song and danced and was silly. I loved it all! You are my favorite boy in the whole world. Dear Mom, I can never thank you enough for all you do and have done throughout my life. I'm lucky and I love you. Dear Elementary Talent Show, you are a thorn in my side. Especially when your 10yr old's partner gets grounded from it for lying to her parents right before auditions. (although I think my child has learned far more from watching her friend lie and be punished than she ever has from her own consequences when lying to me. I like this because it's less work for me.) Dear Old Brother, I have a feeling you had a sweet baby girl join your family and aren't telling anyone. Has she arrived? If she has no one has told me. Dear Briana, my heart feels that you have left this world and I can't keep the tears from my eyes. How grateful I am for our Savior and the knowledge that you will be with your family again. You are so so loved. Dear Stephen & Boulter Family, my heart aches for you. I can't even describe the faith and strength and love that I see in you. Always so welcoming, generous and kind even in your hour of heartache and need. I so wish I could be there with you to celebrate the one you loved so much. Dear Mountain Drive, I love the beauty I see in the world and enjoyed the time alone. Who knew I would ever live near snowcapped mountains in May. ha Dear A, happy birthday, and at disney land no less! Dear Ric, I do believe the fact that you take care of the Lords house brings us blessings.

Friday Letters

Dear Husband, you had to shoot a squirrel this week. Dear Squirrel, your broken back caused a lot of commotion around here. You made my 10yr old cry hysterically because she felt so bad for you. I admit you did look like a sad little thing. Dear Weather, ahhh you were perfect this week, time to make my backyard a retreat so I can enjoy you. Dear Mother's Day, this year I am hoping I can get a day of rest somehow, after church of course. Getting four kids ready and teaching 15yr olds for church is not rest. I am just hoping to skip my Sunday headache, that would be nice. Dear Ants, you are huge and you don't belong here. I have found you in every room of the house, how is that possible. I'm going to find a way to exterminate you and let your friends those ugly pincher bug things know too. Dear May, you did in fact bring flowers. There are daisies and tulips growing all over the yard. Who knew they were hidden under that cold dirt ground. What a happy surprise for me. Dear Temple, you have blessed me. I am lucky to have been placed where I am, Getting to walk through all the rooms in the temple and be taught a deeper meaning was heavenly to me. It will be a highlight of my life. Dear Callings, one perk to working with the Mia Maids is having options for babysitters. Now if I just had options for paying them. Dear House, I quit my goal of unpacking. But now I'm ready to try again...I think. Dear Briana, I love you so much. I know there are so many waiting for your arrival on the other side. You truly are enduring to the end. Dear Ric, you are lucky to work where you do.