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Sometimes this is really hard to remember.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, you had a great Christmas with lots of whooping and screaming. And then a lot of Mom telling you to pick up all of your toys before I take them. We are limited on space you know. Dear Ric, we enjoyed our time with you and all the awesome gifts. You actually got me a gift for Christmas and it was definitely a huge surprise, Thank you. I hope this can be the start to a new friendship, who knew you could actually communicate with me, it's not so bad is it? The kids miss you already. Dear Christmas, it was nice to be together as a family and see how happy the kids were. Dear Santa, you were very good to us this year, we are all enjoying our toys. Dear Kade, It was a little scary to me to when a 13yr old boy came in our yard and tried to choke you, threw you on the ground and tried to break your new toy. I am glad you hit him in the head and kicked him in the leg, but I know it scared you. Luckily your cousins were there. Don't worry we found him and gave him a good scare to call the cops if he ever comes on our street again and told him how stupid it is to hurt a little kid right next to a fire station. Now maybe you will understand why I won't let you play in the front yard. And then you smashed your finger in the car door, rough week. Dear Massage, so glad I have a secret friend who arranged for me to have a massage, especially when my neck has been causing so much pain. So here's a random note to the anonymous, even though I think I know who you are and I love you, Thank You it was truly the best massage I've ever had. I could actually turn my neck for the rest of the day. That was so unselfish of you to do that for me. Dear Church, I like you don't get me wrong. But I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed going home after only one hour. I do see that wouldn't benefit us all enough on a weekly basis though. Dear Hair, I have enjoyed NOT blow drying my hair all week, except Monday (don't say I never did anything for you Ric)It can be scary to see I know, but I keep it put up in a ponybob to contain the craziness. If you have never seen it in it's natural state, which most of you have not, then you can't appreciate what I do for you if you have to be seen with me. Someday I will get a trim because I like it long and I will have it dyed a vary dark rich brown color. I've always wished I had black hair you know, like my family. Dear Dentist, changing my appointment for my crown from 8:20am to 12:00pm a day early was awesome. Dear Self, I am trying to remember I am not alone even though it feels that way. I am in a really difficult time of my life and it feels impossible to see that things will work out. I need to remember that the Lord loves me and will show me the way. Why is that so easy to forget?

Nephews are Cool

My Nephew Layton is pretty awesome and talented.
He has made some really pretty jewelry.
He made this necklace for me. It's small and pretty.
I love it.

Friday Letters

Dear Shopping, with kids. You suck. If the kids are grumpy I basically get nothing done. And they were grumpy and disobedient and I had to leave the store without buying anything and go straight home. And that is pretty maddening with the zoo that every store is these days. Dear Family Pictures, you were a disaster. It was cold and rainy and the kids wouldn't smile and kept complaining the whole time. Not one of us together turned out and only one of the kids was half decent. Dear Awkward, or shall we say embarrassing. When my VT saw me in the hall and asked me how I was and all of a sudden I couldn't say a word or I would have started bawling. I started crying anyway in the hall..at church, my poor VT I love her. It was just plain embarrassing, not my finest moment. Dear Awkward #2, after the kids fall asleep going out to my car to run to the store and having Santa knock on my window (aka my home teacher) asking where I was going. Having to tell the fully decked out Santa the kids are asleep. I wonder if he will come back? Awkward #3, sitting in church after everyone telling Hazel how pretty her dress is and me wondering why there is a button on the front. Maybe because there isn't? She put it on backwards, luckily it had a little jacket. I don't think I should let them dress themselves anymore this is becoming a problem. Dear Hailey, you did awesome in your dance/singing recital. I know how much you LOVE to sing and dance around and it showed. I think this class suits you. Dear Brandi, I love hanging out with you, you always make me smile watching you be a mama. You make me think of a busy little bee.smile. Dear Rock Climbing Wall, you are my new dream. After seeing the kids spend forever climbing you and never getting bored, I want one in my house. The best was when kids were taking pictures with Santa and in the back ground you see Hazel scaling the wall. So funny. Dear Schools Out, for two weeks. Yay! I have no clue what I am going to do with the kids all day, but I will enjoy not having to go anywhere if I don't want to. Dear 4yr Old, with just a few clicks of the mouse you managed to successfully erase my playlist on itunes. Merry Christmas to me. Dear Ric, the kids are super excited to have you here with them for Christmas. Dear Self, I think I am going to stop feeling guilty about being so sad and just be what I am right now.

Gingerbread Houses

After sitting there for weeks I finally let the kids to their gingerbread houses. They probably have tummy aches, they could't resist eating the candy.

Hazel did have her house all decorated, but before the other kids finished she had already eaten them all off. ha.

It doesn't even feel like Christmas to me. Christmas and Divorce don't mix very well.
I have this overwhelming desire to just crawl into my bed...forever.
The kids don't want to spend their time upstairs in our room with me all day, and I don't want to be around anyone or go anywhere or even come out of my room. That doesn't mix so well either, especially when you live in a house full of people. People who aren't going through a divorce at the moment. I say how I feel often, but I don't show anyone how I feel inside.

I'm sad. And it feels so alone. And I want to cry whenever I feel like it, but that doesn't mix well with kids and people either. I don't have an appetite, but the kids do, and the kitchen is downstairs. I'm thinking that feels too far away and why are you even hungry? But kids are always starving...for something specific. I think I have passed from the depressed eating my emotions to depressed sick to my stomach can't eat anything emotions. The kids force me to keep going. But I don't want to.

I know I am going in the right direction and I am forever grateful to have parents who welcomed us in especially when they already had a full house. That is where I should not say "but" I wish so badly that I could provide our own home for my kids and still be at home with them. I want to take them to school and pick them up and already be home when they need me. That is the one thing that my mind and heart cannot accept. I want to be home with my children and have my own home. I can't provide that and it kills me. I don't feel like I am me, or the mom that is me, when I am not in my own home. And even the thought of that happening is years away. Sometimes I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I will go work on my gratitude list.

another truth.

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Merry Christmas

This is as close to a card as it will get this year. Maybe every year.

This has been a difficult year for all of us. But I am forever grateful for these four beautiful little spirits that for some reason Heavenly Father decided to let me have. They are more important to me than anything in this world. Love them.

Friday Letters

my pretty girl

Dear Children, I'm sorry I'm not so festive this year. Christmas just kind of snuck up on me. Dear Temple Lights, you are so crowded. But I love to walk around and see all the beautiful lights, this year I think the purple trees were my favorite. Taking six kids makes it kind of tricky though. Dear Temple Performance, Hailey sang in a choir for Jenee Prince, Jenee has such an amazing voice I love it. I did notice that my kid was the only one that looked ADHD up there, she couldn't hold still if her life depended on it. During the tonight you are mine song, I don't know the real title, Kade tackled me with a big hug and said he loved me. As soon as that song was over he stuck grass down his shirt pretending ants were getting him and wrestling his cousin. The video should be interesting or awful which ever. Dear Christmas Tree, I finally decorated you. It was depressing I just can't seem to feel festive this year. Dear Winter Sing, I was dreading you, but you turned out to be great. The kids were so cute singing all of the Christmas songs. It ran late because an older woman collapsed having a heart attack or something and an ambulance came and got her. That was a weird start to the Christmas program. Makes you grateful for health. Dear Dentist, I've kept you busy this week trying to get my teeth in good shape. Now I'm trying to recover. I hate root canals. Dear Sis, thanks for babysitting so early in the morning, the girls had fun playing at your house. Dear Life, I just want to hit the pause button and take a break for a minute. Too bad there is no such thing. Dear Self, sometimes I feel really alone and it seems like the people who are past this part of life don't remember how hard this part of my life is right now. Feeling so alone makes me wish I could just be alone, away from everyone. In a way it is a good reminder that the Lord is the only one who can truly know my heart and the only one who can truly comfort me.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, I took you all to the store to see what you want to ask Santa for. I had to keep reminding you not to show me EVERYTHING just what you want for Christmas. I was exhausted by the time we left. Our cart consisted of a can of black olives and Tim Tams, who knew olives could be used as a bribe. Dear Piano Recital, the kids did great, but could four kids need to pee more than they did during that one hour. I was irritated after the second time and mad at the fourth time. Luckily there was music to distract me. Dear Rain, just what I was needing a cold, rainy, overcast day. Too bad the kids were so naughty all day. Dear Awkward, sitting in church and 6yr old Avary says "hey, my dress is inside out" and then we both giggled cause neither one of us, or anyone else had noticed. A visit to the bathroom fixed that. Oh, also showing up to church and meeting up with my lil sis to sub a class together wearing the same outfit. Dress, sweater, boots...yeah the kids were like "you're twins"! Aren't we so cute dressing alike in our 30's. Oh, excuse me she still has a month 1/2 till the big 30, then it will be cute. Dear Hailey, you are singing in a small choir at the Temple lights tomorrow night at 7:00pm. I am excited to listen to how beautiful it's going to sound. Dear Cooold, I have been freezing. I broke out my new heating blanket and use my space heater(which both attract children) and I still don't want to get out of bed. I must be an Arizonan. I have had to acclimatize too many times this year. Dear Hazel, I have discovered that if I put you under my heating blanket when I tell you to get on your own pillow you do instead of crying and tightening you death grip around my neck. This could be a fluke, but I hope not. Dear Orthotics, I am impressed with the huge difference you made in how Kade walks and runs, who knew. Dear Dentist, you are the best I've been to and I'm not too fond of dental work. You are so nice. Dear Pediatric Dermatologist, I will highly recommend you to anyone. I was very satisfied with our visit, you lived up to your reputation. I am really hitting the jackpot with Dr.'s lately. Dear Kade, poor little dude. You are usually anxious and on the verge of freaking out when we go to Dr's, I am so proud of how you handled it. By the end you were facing the wall wanting to leave. Three women dermatologist who are very thorough in their job surrounding you counting all of your moles and birthmarks can be intimidating. You have to be put under(which freaks mamma out) to have two moles removed and biopsied. You said to make sure you don't have an orange Fanta soda before you go under or it won't work because Fanta charges you up. Unfortunately you need many more Dr's and tests, I wish I could do it for you, I would. Dear Random Info, if you put on a prescription cream twice a day and cover in a band aid that the Dr. gave you for ringworm for two months it will not get rid of the coin type of eczema that needs a completely different kind of prescription and apparently a different kind of Dr. And you probably shouldn't continue doing it when you don't even think it's ringworm. Just so you know. Dear Friday, one of the few days this month with nothing scheduled. I hope nothing pops up. Dear Self, stress sucks find a cure for it.

I find this to be true.

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Friday Letters

Baking pumpkin bread with Hazel.

Dear Children, it was very satisfying for you to spend time with Dad. There were nights of crying your selves to sleep and breaking your mamma's heart, but it passed and you are all happy for Dad to come for Christmas. Dear Ric, thank you for the heating blanket. It's even better than my last one. Dear Nephew Zeke, Happy Birthday! I love how nice you are to little kids. Dear Piano, you have been getting a lot of use this week, trying to prepare for the recital this weekend and cover up all that procrastination. Dear Weather, loving your chilliness, I actually get to wear a sweater. Dear Hailey, you are singing in a choir during temple lights on the 10th. When I heard all of the angelic voices singing I had to hold back tears. It is going to be so beautiful. Dear Self, I keep reminding myself that things will get better. I believe they will get better.

11

My first born Baby is ELEVEN! She is growing up way too fast. That is my shirt and she has bigger feet that me. Slow down please.

Letting the wish balloons go.


Watching them until they are absolutely out of sight.


Harry Potter theme party. The snitches are full of nerds. Fitting right.


The dry ice was the hit of the party I think.


My happy girl. This frosting took so much dye to get it this color I was afraid it would stain everyones teeth. ha


This made me laugh so hard.

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Friday Letters

Dear Children, you are all on a roller coaster of emotions that you cannot get off of. Mixtures of such deep sadness of missing dad and such happiness at being with your dad. I am happy you are getting to spend this weekend with him. Dear Dr. Mckay, you are so patient and kind when I bring all four of my children with me and try to entertain them while you cast two of their feet for orthotics. You didn't blink an eye when one asks twenty questions and wants to touch everything and another is scooting around the room singing songs. And you still remember our last conversations and ask me about how my life is going. Where did you come from? Dear Avary, you went on a field trip to the dairy and got to pick a milk flavor and an ice cream. You were so concerned about missing me because I couldn't go you cried and didn't want to go to school. And you didn't like the bus, I thought all kids liked the bus. I think you had fun anyway, I'm not entirely sure. Dear Ric, I am glad you are here to spend time with the kids. Thank you for the book. Dear Thanksgiving, you were good, but strange. I took a nap instead of cleaning. wierd. I laughed and cried. And while basting the turkey the juices shot out hitting me right in the eye. I could have won funniest hime videos with that scene. Luckily there was no else there to see it. Dear Self, I tell the kids it's ok to cry all the time, so I'm trying to tell myself that too. I hate crying, but sometimes you can't help it. I hate heartache. I am glad that the Lord never says didn't you cry about this yesterday.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, It's been a busy week I can't wait for things to slow down. I think you all feel the same way. I threw out a whole bunch of threats of all kinds of things I was going to do with your toys after I tripped over them three times and then stepped on a lego when putting you to bed. I didn't follow through with any of my empty threats, Mother of the Year right here. Dear Split Peas, we were sad to have you end. Hailey and I both learned a lot, I hope I can find more programs like you. I will probably see you again with Kade. Dear Nephew, it was nice to get a little time to hang out even if it was in the ER. Not everyone is so upbeat in that setting, you make me laugh. Dear Sleep, who needs sleep? I DO. I am running on three hours of sleep, that means I don't know what I am going to have come out of my mouth. Or weather I will end up laughing or crying. Dear Hailey, Happy Birthday baby girl! I cannot believe you are eleven, you are growing up way too fast. Your party today was a hit if you measure by the mess that was left over. You were also good Citizen for the month for Gratitude, so proud of you.Love You. Dear Ric, the kids are so excited to see you next week, they can't wait. Dear Self, I decided it was ok to cry this week when I felt like I was drowning, but all it really did was give me a bigger headache and make my face hurt. I hope I got to all the important things.

32

So, this is what 32 looks like on my camera phone. I don't look too excited about getting older.


I slept in, kind of, and woke up because it was quiet. My Mom had taken the kids to the store to shop for me and fed them lunch. I came downstairs to this. That is a bouquet of flowers made to look like a cake, it even had candles and a box of chocolates from Ric. More flowers and yes the kids got me a donut. Ha.


I had my little goofballs, Kade thinks he is so funny making rabbit teeth in every picture. My family and all the little kids sang to me many versions of happy birthday. Those little cousins think they are hilarious.


I ended up with all of this! Wow.


Hailey picked this out, just what I needed, this MAY help me. Ha.


These are from my parents and sista's to work off all of that chocolate the kids got me.


And this is in case that doesn't work I can go buy a new pair of jeans.smile.


Ric got me a new camera to replace the one I dropped three times. Hallelujah! Now Hailey can have hers back. The inlaws got me this Kindle. This came in the mail and surprised me I had a silly reaction cause I really liked it. I think I made everyone in the room as excited as me or maybe just annoyed.


Then...you thought the day was over? My parents and sissys took me out to eat and then to get a manicure and pedicure, or you could call it heaven, which ever. The people gave me a 10% discount for my birthday and asked if I was turning 21. hahaha I said yes cause that is good customer service if you ask me. When we were leaving they said happy 21 now you can drink! My Sis goes "what! she's 32!" Oh well, I was 21 for an hour.

I admit I was really depressed the day before, but I had a great day. Thank you to everyone who thought of me. And thank you for all the gifts, I've never had so many gifts. I hit the jackpot!

Avary's Birthday

The Birthday Girl. My 6 yr old!


Her Puppy-Kitty-Horsey Party


She wanted a cake and cupcakes.


Animal ears. Not that they need any help to act like wild animals.


We collected all of our animals to play with.


Avary letting go of her Birthday Wish balloons. It was so windy they were gone in a split second and disappeared.

Friday Letters

Dear Children, you still have fluid in your ears and apparently some sand too, how am I supposed to flush that out? And now poor Kade has a sinus infection. I am still thankful for medicine. Dear Fall Round Up, that is just what you did, rounded up the chilly air. The schools once a year fundraiser. It was fun, but would have been funner if I had more money so the kids could do the bounce houses and petting farm. It would have been $5 for each kid on top of buying tickets to play the lame games. Luckily we know how to have fun anyway. Dear Barrow's Pizza, like always you are just what a tired momma needs. You are always yumm. Dear Church Craft Day, you had a free picture plaque of the temple for anyone to make. That's my kind of thing. And you found me a babysitter. Score! Dear Sister In laws, I appreciate you driving all the way out for my kids birthday parties, it means a lot to them and me. It makes me feel like you haven't disowned me. Dear Roof leak, it rains so little here I didn't realize how bad you were until I came home to the carpet soaked. What a lovely smell. Dear Lil Sis, when you woke up from your surgery the nurses told me you were crying and asking for me, awww that made me feel loved that you wanted me there. When I came in you told me that you thought they were lying and not giving you any pain killers and you wanted to go home. Sorry for your pain. I'm glad I get to help you while you heal, for the record I would spoil you so much more if there were not so many kids running around here. Dear Hazel, you finally got your ears pierced. There was excitement then crying and cranky and then happy and pretty. You have wanted them so long I'm glad you were finally able to do it. Dear Friday, I am so glad there is no school today. I am going to do what I can to get the kids to let me stay in bed as long as possible then we have a weeks worth of cleaning to catch up on. fun. Plus today is 11/11/11 that is good luck and 3 wishes right. Dear Self, today is the last day of being 31. I have mixed emotions on my birthday I hate getting older and am not where I imagined I would be at 32 and that is depressing, but I do feel like I am on the right road to who I am supposed to be.

Sparkly ears

Hazel has wanted her ears pierced for a long time, but I have waited because it would be in a store and she is kind of.....loud when she cries. Avary told her she would hold her hand and it would be ok. When we got there she didn't want anyone to hold her hand she said she never cries. hahahaha yeah.


After the first ear she cried and cried and wanted me to hold her. She was upset for a good hour.


Once she realized they didn't hurt anymore she was happy and proud of herself.


I laughed when I saw them trying to be like their big sis. They are so funny.

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Definitely what is holding me together.

State Fair

My Sister's friend Byron invited us to go with them and his family to the state fair. I did not want to go, in my mind it was going alone to a dirty crowded place alone with four kids. And I am bound to lose one of them. And I feel like a burden tagging along. They talked me into it. I am glad I went.



The kids love when Byron comes around, he plays like a kid and loves to spoil them.







Fried Chocolate covered Bacon

Foot long hot dog.

Avary was so sick with ear infections, but wanted to go anyway. I pushed her in the stroller until...she found animals.

She loves animals.

As you can see.

They groomed them all including the llama.

Having us come along with his family added five people plus my sisters three plus his big family. He takes them every year. Right off I told the kids not to ask for anything, then his sister told me that if I come to the fair with them I just have to not have a conscience for the evening and let him spoil them and let the kids have fun that's what they do. He spoiled everyone the whole time, it makes him happy. His family was so welcoming and immediately stepped in and helped with the kids as if they were their own. It wasn't stressful at all because they were all keeping an eye on them and doing things with them, going on rides with them and never made me feel like a burden or intrusive or annoying since my kid had to pee probably 15 times. It was nice to be around such nice people. The kids kept saying it was the best night EVER. Thanks Byron and thanks Neighbors we had fun.