Fishy

Last week we went to the new Aquarium at Az Mills. I thought the adult prices were ridiculous. $18.00!!! Kids are $10.50!! Someone payed for me and now I have to pay them back. It was pretty cool though.



The kids got to pet starfish and some other stuff that I have no clue what it was. Nice to carry that fishy smell around with you after they stuck their arms in the water.


There were lots of different colored seahorses, the jellyfish were cool, an octopus, shark, stingray. All right it was cool. But I will never be ok with the $18.00.

We had 3 adults and 8 kids and it was a little hard to keep track of them all in the dark.

We also went to Toy Story 3 with the 8 cousins. I thought it would be a nightmare with Hazel, but she was actually pretty good. The movie was good too, all of the kids liked it.

And of course we went swimming.

Today at church a lady in the bathroom started talking to me when I was washing my hands and she was...not washing her hands. And then she sat by me in class and didn't talk to me. I thought it was weird, it's weird right?

Lucky

I am so blessed to have these ladies right here. And my Dad, not pictured. They let me be sad and depressed when things are too much to bear and they still hang out with me. They understand all too well the heartache I am feeling and so they let me feel it. We always end up laughing, when an hour before I was sure I was going to die.

I can never go too long without seeing them I have to get my fix and remember that someone loves me. They even know all the horrible things about me. Haha

My Dad has been a good friend and support. Long ago he would not have wanted to hear the sad things going on in my life, but it all started when he kept sneeking his way into our girls night out and so he was subject to our conversations. He must like it or miss his boys an awful lot because he always comes with us. Sometimes I am afraid he will be embarrassed when we laugh too loud, unless it's at one of his jokes.
One time, It was conference on a Sunday and I had a very sad and hurtful experience at my house, there were people there so I left and came crying to be with my sister. My Mom and Dad came and sat down and listened to me talk and cry, they talked with me and comforted me for hours. The TV was right there and they never once tried to turn it on or make me feel like I was bothering them. They missed that whole session! Don't worry they read it later. At that moment what I needed more than anything was to feel like someone loved me and up until that moment I never knew how much they loved me until they missed conference. When I went home and read it I gained so much from the talks, but it meant everything to me that they let me be important to them at that moment, that my emotional state came first. Our relationship changed from then on. I kept showing up for blessings and wouldn't leave until he gave me one. I started sharing with him my trials when there were no sports playing and he listened and so I kept coming and I kept talking and they kept listening.
My Parents have been the best examples in my life. I am forever grateful that they have always done their best to live the gospel.

True story. Me and my sister sometimes say "remember when mom and dad missed conference".

I might start telling stories about them because I don't think any of them read my blog!!
They think I tell them everything already so why read it too.
Well, they are wrong!!
Sometimes I decide I already wrote it so why tell it again.

Sometimes

Sometimes life sucks, you with me?

This summer has not been going exactly how I had planned it out in my head. I envisioned time set aside for reading, library trips, homework, crafts, chores, swim parties, play dates, camping, movies, fun, laughing, and a schedule.

We have had some of these things, but certainly not a schedule. And I was not planning on feeling so utterly depressed.

It is so hard to get up and smile and do all of the things you do for four children, which includes socializing with other people. It is so hard to get up and get us all to church alone. To never have anyone to depend on or help.
I am so tired of being hurt and disappointed. And so so much more. I sit and fill out divorce papers and I just feel like I am going to die of a broken heart. I really am surprised that I don't die from it. I know I've said this before, but it is feelings and emotions that can't be described. If I were to try it would be walking around with an open wound right into my heart, or being buried alive, or drowning. All the while you have to go on acting normal and you feel like this every second and you feel like everyone can tell but are acting like they can't. It's unbearable. It's so hard not to believe that I have no worth because the person I have given everything to doesn't think I do. When I think of my children's pain I feel like I am being crushed because I can't take it away. Some days it is just so hard to get out of bed because I can't see an end to the heartache.

Don't get me wrong I wasn't raised to sit and do nothing. I am doing everything I can to find peace when I feel like I am not able. And I certainly do not feel strong enough to do what I have to do. I know the only comfort is in the Lord and that is where I go. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the Lord finds worth in me and I have to remind myself of the special moments I have had, the healing moments and the answers that He sends in His own time. I can see how I have grown over the last couple of years and I know it takes adversity to grow, but sometimes it feels like too much. I guess that's the point right, for it to be too much to do without the Savior. Well, I have been in that desperate state forever. I guess it's better to constantly be crying and pleading for help than to be moving away from the spirit.

I am so tired of crying. I want there to me more joy and happiness. I want to believe that someday I will not feel this pain anymore. I know that others feel some of these things for different reasons maybe and there are so many things that I would not trade. But this is so hard for me right now.

Every night I go through all of the things I am going to do better tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and all I can do is try to survive until I can go crawl into my bed. But tomorrow is a new day, right. I am reminding myself of this now because my kids won't stay in their beds at the moment. They feel it necessary to sneek into each others room and then tattle. Don't you just love tattling. All kids come with it built in. Teasing too. They are lucky they look so dang cute and innocent when they are sleeping that stirs those overwhelming feelings of love for them. I am sure that is a gift from God.

Kids are funny. Right?

I woke up to find this note from Hailey. Which just reminded me that I forgot to call the specialist AGAIN!

There are so many things on my mind right now, actually there are too many feelings right now that there is no room in my mind to remember anything. Makes sense right?


This is what Hazel likes to do with every spare moment she has, get into something, pour something out, write on something with PEN.

Our First Broken Bone

So, Hailey was running through the living room and smashed her toes into Kaden's heel. To which he said "Hey, watch where you are going"!

Hailey cried and limped and cried some more. I told her it can hurt really bad when you stub your toe, "remember when you guys wouldn't move out of the way and I stubbed my toe on the ottoman and it ripped part of my toenail off and I made you all go to your room? It hurt for a long time. You will be ok."

She is 9 so things can be a bit dramatic sometimes. I watched her when she didn't know to see if she would forget to limp. She didn't. I told her we were going swimming, she couldn't resist, she swam with one foot. And then it swelled and bruised a little. So, later that night I took her to get it x-rayed.

It is broken right at the base, not on the growth plate but too close. So now we have to see a specialist. For a TOE.

They teased her and said that's what happens when you kick your brother.

She said "I told you so"!

They taped it and gave her a cool shoe to wear for 6 weeks. haha yeah right.

Holy COW

So, I have decided to lose a little weight.

But, I don't diet.

But, none of my fat clothes fit anymore so that is a problem.

And I finally put a battery in my scale, right before I had a heart attack.

And I had one of those horrible moments when you catch a glimpse of your behind in the mirror and you do a double take and you think holy COW! When did that happen!

And none of my clothes fit. Did I mention that?

So, I would like to lose 20 lbs. That is how much I have gained since I moved to this house. Yes, after I had Hazel.

Now I am not too hard on myself about it, after all, the last 2yrs at least have been hell. I am constantly having kidney stones, which by the way you can not move without pain when they move.

And I have what I like to call a monster shoulder. I went in for a surgery and when I came home my shoulder was swollen and causing pain and the most intense headaches. I tried everything to fix it, even had an mri. All they said is yes a certain part of your trap muscle is swollen and we don't know why. The more I use it the worse it is, the more stressed I get the worse it is. If I hold Hazel too long or carry a bag that is too heavy, even yoga makes it swell. It really is ridiculous. It has been over a year now. It is very inconvenient and I can't do a lot of the things that I enjoy. Especially when there is no one there to help with the kids if I get a huge headache. So, when I have tried to exercise I don't get very far.

If anyone might have a suggestion on how this might be remedied I am all ears, or more appropriately all shoulder. It is well known around the family that Camille has a monster shoulder. Don't touch it, don't try to rub it just pray that it will go away.

Back to the subject of me getting fatter. I am going to change that.

Up late

This is where you will find Hailey any given night at any hour of the night.

It was a problem during the school year when she tried to drag her sleepy self out of bed. The lack of sleep makes her grumpy and emotional.

But the girl loves to read.

You can find her mama right down the hall doing the same thing.

Today

So, yeah, that is marker.

Two yr old awake at 4am, I had gone to bed at 12:30am.

I have A huge headache, what else is new lately.

It wasn't an entirely bad day, I had cafe Rio for lunch, super yummy.

And my Mom showed up at my house with a gift for me. A big magnetic white board that I have been wanting forever. smile.

Some of the kids are being extra naughty today and I don't want to make dinner and I AM TIRED. Did I mention that?

Cute

Oh My HAzel.

This little girl is as cute as a button, stubborn as a mule, as loud as a train, and as cuddly as a kitten. I cannot live without my little Hazelnut.

Oh, and she is an expert milk taster, she can spot the fake stuff just by looking at it.