E.R.

My poor little Avary.

We were at a play date at a friends house and Avary tripped in the playroom and hit her head on their little table.

She came running out the door with blood pouring down her face. I don't know how I got her to the kitchen without getting it on their carpet, but that was a plus.

I took her to the E.R. and we waited 6 1/2 hours to get stitches. She had to get 3 on the inside because it was pretty deep, then they used adhesive because the edges had been smashed in so they weren't very straight and then they butterflied it. The whole time I'm thinking does this guy even know what he is doing, why can't they have an expert to stitch up faces, she's just a little girl, he probably doesn't know what he is doing, he's probably never stitched a face before, IT'S GOING TO SCAR !!, is he supposed to be that rough with it, I should have gone somewhere else. I guess you could say I was a little protective and I am still worried about it scaring her perfect little face. Mom's don't see those things, but I am afraid she will. She is still waiting for her scars from the last stitches to "get better".

She was very bored and wanted to go home unless they were going to give her a Popsicle. She kept doing zombie eyes hoping I would leave because she knows I don't like it. They gave her a type of verced to make her super drowsy (hoping she would fall asleep, she didn't)and so she wouldn't remember them digging in her forehead. Which she handled better than I would have. They had to cover her face too. She never even cried.

She started to see things but couldn't make her tongue work and would try and grab them. When she could talk she asked me "how do cars sit?"

The dr. kept calling me mom and it was making her mad she said "why does he keep calling you mom? I said he's just silly. She says His name is not Silly and you are not his mom"

She sang twinkle star at the top of her lungs, kept humming weird sounds and then laughing and when they gave her a popsicle she would open her mouth and look at the popsicle but couldn't figure out how to get it in her mouth. Let's just say she was very out of it.

I was glad that I was only there for stitches, although I wanted to cry because it is on her face. But, an ambulance had brought a little boy in and it flooded me with horrible memories. More feelings I would say because I push those images and memories from my mind as much as possible, but sometimes the feelings are overwhelming. I think of all that my children have been through and I feel so sad and wish that I could have done it for them. Although I am the one that remembers and had to watch my children suffer and not know if they would live. It is such an awful feeling that doesn't ever seem to go away. What a priceless blessing to have knowledge of the plan of salvation.

On a lighter note:

School is out!
And so far it is a good thing!
Well, if you can let go of the fact that the house will NEVER be clean.

The Hunger Games & Catching Fire

The first night I started reading The Hunger Games I had bad dreams. But I kept reading and couldn't stop. I went right in to the next book and finished in a day.

Well, I only read at night, but this was one that I kept trying to read during the day. Which does not work with a two yr. old by the way.

I wish I had waited until the third one was out because now I have to wait.

This is a must read. I loved it.

A Brother.

Last night when I went to bed I found this on my pillow.

I wish that I had
a brother who will
play with me
to bad because
I do not have
one.
By: Kaden

Oh, if I could give my little boy a brother I would.
He is always so sad about it and has been asking for one for years.

I tried to explain to him that there is no guarantee it would be a boy and they would be so far apart in age they wouldn't get to play together the way he thinks.

It doesn't help that I have wanted a baby for a year now and will never have one.
It made me so sad.

But I also thought it was cute.
And his spelling is not too bad for a kindergartener.

So, today I took him to play with his rough and tumble cousins. My sister's boyfriend was there and let the kids beat him up with foam swords. Then he caught bugs and played in the mud. We came home and watched star wars. Then he told me I was beautiful and his favorite mom. And when I tucked him in he said he was tired and went right to sleep.

Why is it when you look at your child's sleeping face you feel like your heart could burst with love for them. It is such an overwhelming feeling and It gives me purpose and strength to keep going. I want them to have a safe home where they feel and know they are loved everyday. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever be enough and then there are those small moments when they let you know that at least today it was. I am so grateful for those moments when looking at my children completely overshadows all the pain of our circumstances. There is nothing that I will ever let jeopardize being with my children for eternity.

Run away Fish

So, sometimes parts of life suck. And it makes me want to run away. With my kids of course, well, sometimes alone. But don't worry I love my little chicks too much to be gone long. And I think they would miss me. I am going to tell myself that anyway.

So, we might run away somewhere. I don't know where and we are broke, but for some reason it feels like things would be better if we left.

I am under way too much stress and losing my patients way too often. And no money = no babysitters. I have a thing about them anyways. I know I should feel bad for the babysitter with all my naughty kids, but I don't trust ANYONE and I am always scared they will be mean and my kids will feel sad or get hurt or something. And I just feel guilty for leaving them with anyone other than their dad and even sometimes him, but he has not been around anyway.

But, I had my nephew, who is 18 watch the kids for and hour while me and my sis went to eat. He watched hers too, she has 2. He was way responsible and did an awesome job. And he can drive so I think I might see if I can get him to run errands for me too. He is going to get sick of me this summer.

It helped to just be able to eat my dinner. Yeah that's all. It sounds lame but it was just what I needed.

In other news:

One of our 3 fish died.
This fish, I can't remember her name, has been dying for months. It was losing it's color and would swim on it's side. I secretly do not want the fish, but I can't flush live fish. That's murder.

I am glad it finally moved on. The kids haven't noticed yet. Watch they are going to fight over who's fish it was. Because no one wants a dead fish.

These Is My Words

I loved this book. I stayed up way too late every night reading it. I wondered why I liked it so much. It might have something to do with the way the coupled loved each other. How much Captain Elliot loved his family. There are two after this one, but Bookman's didn't have them so I will have to read something else in between. I don't like doing that.

My big Nose.

My nose has had the worst kind of assault.

Hailey came home from school yesterday, took off her shoes and put her feet up.

I almost lost consciousness.

Apparently she wanted to wear the same nylon socks two days in a row in the scorching heat.

If you know me at all you will know that I have super sonic smelling abilities. It's a curse really. When I am overwhelmed with really bad smells I start to panic and it's only a matter of time before I get angry. Fresh air and pleasant smells are a necessity. When it comes to stink I have that fight or flee reflex. I want to yell and get out as quick as humanly possible.

The shoes or my first born? One of them had to be thrown out. She is lucky the smell washed off in the shower. As for the shoes they have a new home in the black barrel out front.

The Book Thief.

I liked this book, although it was sad and I cried. I was already sad so, anything sad makes me cry lately. Even though it was sad I did enjoy this book.

Weekends.

So Jeepers wasn't that bad. there weren't very many people there, so that always helps. The kids had a lot of fun. Why they think it is fun to spin in circles on ten different rides I will never understand. There was even a moment I got dizzy and had to sit down trying to wave at them on the carousel.

I left early to go and watch my niece in her school musical. It was good. I wish I could sing without causing others harm. That in it's self could be a talent.



Saturday we went swimming. Well, let me rephrase that. I layed on my chair in the sun with my big hat getting splashed and watched all of the kids swim. The water was 72 degrees and that is a little too cold for me.

Ric said it wasn't that bad, but he was snappy, hugging himself for a good five minutes before he got used to the water.

The same amount of time it took the kids to remember how to swim, especially in the shock of cold water.

After all of the kids were clean and smelling good, one of my favorite things, I went to dinner with my sister and mom for mother's day. We ate steak and crab legs. Let me just say YUM! It was even better because my sis cracked all my crab for me, all I had to do was dip in the yummy butter sauce and enjoy. And yes, I had to joke about her being a crab dealer. smile.

Today

Oh My, today is one of those days.

My house is a MESS! The kids have dumped out toys everywhere. Toys on the floor of every room in the house. Now they are playing tea party with water. Sounds fun, right. Sounds like everything is going to be wet in 10 min. flat.

I didn't do the little girls hair today. Let me remind you that is never good. It makes me look like a bad mother. At least they are dressed, their clothes match. Avary is even wearing her sunday shoes. And hazel is wearing tennis shoes that are too small for her. Why they like to cram their feet in and insist with a rather angry voice that they still fit is beyond me.

I am all about comfort. If my pants are too tight I wear bigger ones. If my feet hurt I take my shoes off. Kind of like now, I am still in my pajamas. I should be cleaning and going to the store, but I just can't bring myself to do it today. I forced myself to go and get milk yesterday.

It is dollar day at Jeepers and my sister wants us to take all of the kids. I hate that place. The kids run crazy so they are sweaty and smelly, Someone is always stuck in the tubes, some one is always lost, someone always winds up getting motion sickness because they can't make them self get off the spinning rides. I need four eyes there and a bucket of sanitizer. When we leave I feel like we are taking a whole city of germs.

I am going purely out of guilt. I don't want my kids to be left out of all the FUN? And they haven't gone anywhere like that in a very long time.

But believe me, It is going to take all of my energy and probably my last piece of patience.

Eleven Years.

Eleven Years came and went. This picture makes me sad. What hopes and dreams I had.

If a person could die of a broken heart, I would. There is only one thing on this earth that would compel a person to go on, to get back up every time the world crashes down upon you.

Love. To truly love.

And sometimes that is not enough.

I can't bear to think of the future, what is going to happen and the pain that I cannot protect my children from. Heartache that feels like it will never end.

Something that could be gone in an instant with the smallest gesture, but the priceless gift, love.

I see my children's tears and the heartache continues forever. But when I see their faces and their smiles love overshadows so much. I know that my purpose here is them.

At the end of each day I have no idea how I am going to make it through tomorrow. Right now I have nothing left. I gave more than I had to lose, and now I am left trying to make up the difference.

I don't know how I will get up. I only know why.

Love.

2nd Place Ribbon

I took the kids to Arts and Academic night at school tonight. I thought I was going to lose one of the little ones in the book fair. It was so crowded.

Last year Hailey won 1st place and this year she won 2nd place in the water colors painting contest.

I am so proud of her! She did a great job.

I thought the 1st place was crummy, just my personal opinion.

I love her little owl even if the title is a little long
Swirly Gylfi Owl on a Cherry Tree Branch.

Ballerinas

Something that I used to love to do was draw.
Now, I am not very good, but I enjoy it.

Late at night when the kids were in bed and my heart wouldn't let me sleep I would turn on my playlist and draw ballerinas. I like ballerinas.

The only time I can do this is when I should be sleeping. Because something I do not have is time. And I stay up all night if I even start.
So, now I have been reading like crazy. Another thing I love to do.

I am still up till midnight at least, reading, but my neck and back aren't as tied up on knots. Just my shoulder.

These are from 2009.
Some of them just make me laugh.

My scanner is broken so they are horrible pictures and kind of hard to see.